Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting

their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in

his son's medicine cabinet, he asked

about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should

take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to

try one , and before we leave in the

morning, I'll put the money

under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found

$110 under the pillow. He called

Grandpa and said, "I told

you each pill was

$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The

hundred is from

Grandma!"

Musta bin REAL Viagra, where can I get them at that price, REAL genuine ones?

Lotsa copy stuff around cheap.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play

date.' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother

replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your

business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

''Because you got an F in sex.'

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing.

So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again - right on his face. He decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your flaming wheelchair there"

The Newfie Painter

Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His

fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in

Gander for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.

She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nud_e. This was the first

time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no

object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to

wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Would be me pleasure ma'am.

Tha Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nud_e, but I has ta leave me socks on

so I has a place to wipe me brushes."

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the dam_n cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hel_l and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Everyone seems to be wondering why muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look; No Christmas, No Jesus, No television, No cheerleaders, No car races, No football, No pork BBQ, No hotdogs, No burgers, Rags for clothes & towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower, More than 1 wife, You can't shave, Your wife ... See Morecan't shave, You can't wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel shit, Your wife is picked by someone else, She smells worse than your donkey, Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better. Shit, it couldn't be any fuc_king worse!! HAPPY ST GEORGES DAY!

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the dam_n cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hel_l and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

If the pill is made of lead......pull trigger, end of story.

(Sorry Patsy).

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the dam_n cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hel_l and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

If the pill is made of lead......pull trigger, end of story.

(Sorry Patsy).

Teach him to let his missus have a <deleted> selfish creature like a cat.

Scientists managed to transplant a single female brain cell into a man's brain. The cell tried to make contact. "Hello".........nothing, an echo. Finally the cell heard a faint voice "Hello, we're down here"........

Regards.

An Aussie ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Ocker."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right"

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

An Aussie ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Ocker."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right"

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

Oldie but....

Good one, Ping.

YOU will keep

Oldie but....

Good one, Ping.

YOU will keep

Ah, bless you!

Pat and Shamus walk into the Pet Shop ( owned by Moss ? )

"Now then to be sure to be sure, we'll take four of them little birds in the window and a cage to keep them in "

" Right you are fellas, are you about to start wid the breedin programme, to be sure, to be sure "

" No we're not young Moss, that would be perverted so it would. We're off to the Oilimpics, so we are "

" Well that's grand, here are da burds and the best of luck to ya both ".

Off the lads go to the top of a nearby cliff.

" Oil go first Shamus, as im the most sporting between us "

" Right you are Pat, do it for Oiland "

Pat reaches in the cage pulls out two birds, attaches them to his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Falls screaming to his death, leaving a bloody smear on the way down.

" Well I never " Says Shamus.

" I'm not trying that. There's a lot more to that Budgie Jumping than meets the eye, to be sure to be sure "

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

Short of reading the previous 37 pages I hope this one hasn't been posted before.

MAKES US GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”

Girls getaway weekend

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -

shopping, casinos, massages, facials etc.

Two days before they are leaving, Mary's husband puts his foot down and

tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three girls get to the hotel only to find Mary

sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long have you been here and how did you talk your husband into

letting you come?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.......yesterday evening I was

Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my

Eyes and said 'Guess who?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit!

He took my hand and lead me into the bedroom. The room was scented with

perfume, had two dozen candles burning and rose petals

scattered..........on the bed he had handcuffs and ropes. He told me tie and cuff him to the

bed,so I did. And then he said, "Now you can do whatever you want"

So here I am

Let's spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary,"

to which Michael replied "That's a very competitive price" and handed over his money.

"Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.

todays inbox

After returning from a holiday abroad with a really nice tan, a black guy I know said to me.

"I don't understand you whites. You've spent hundreds of years oppressing us black people to get yourselves into positions of power and wealth so we can spend hundreds of pounds on holidays where you sit around in the sun doing nothing and only come back happy when you look like us. Let me tell you whitey, you'll never be a black man."

So I stabbed him.

I saw a picture on the internet yesterday which showed a woman carrying crates of beer for a man, the caption was:

"Wife - Because the beer weighs too much."

I couldn't help but think shouldn't it be the other way around?

"Beer - Because the wife weighs too much."

The Boomerang.

A frisbee for ginger kids.

Let's spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary,"

to which Michael replied "That's a very competitive price" and handed over his money.

"Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?" enquired the barman.

Very good! Ryanair bashtards.

NZHerald today.

Even kiwis have brain lapses.......LOL

' I saw this sign on the public toilet block at Te Kuiti, New Zealnd'

Wonder where guys are s'posed to go?

Auzzie Humour

I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment. They have 3

little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so

I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is “good

morning you ugly c _ _ t” It's not yours is it?

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for

donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. fuc_k, did I give her a

mouthful.

Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.

I'm fuc_king worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are,

can you delete my number? Ta

A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital. Nurse tells him to

bath a newborn aboriginal baby. She goes to check on him and he's swishing

the aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick. "You don't bath a baby

like that she said, he said, "You do when the water's this fuc_king hot!"

Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife

says "no". Husband replies "that's the spirit!"

There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:

Trycoxagane.

I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things

commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is

not the correct answer

Auzzie Humour

I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment. They have 3

little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so

I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is “good

morning you ugly c _ _ t” It's not yours is it?

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for

donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. fuc_k, did I give her a

mouthful.

Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.

I'm fuc_king worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are,

can you delete my number? Ta

A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital. Nurse tells him to

bath a newborn aboriginal baby. She goes to check on him and he's swishing

the aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick. "You don't bath a baby

like that she said, he said, "You do when the water's this fuc_king hot!"

Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife

says "no". Husband replies "that's the spirit!"

There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:

Trycoxagane.

I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things

commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is

not the correct answer

My perverse non PC sense of humour loves this post.

(Must copy and pass on,)

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, Australia.

In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if the Kiwi's had the same phone.

He arrived at the Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in New Zealand now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

Auzzie Humour

.......

I resent the title "Auzzie Humour". I suggest it be titled Aussie Redneck Humour. There is a difference.

Auzzie Humour

.......

I resent the title "Auzzie Humour". I suggest it be titled Aussie Redneck Humour. There is a difference.

That would be termed "Bogun" humour.

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren

Man picks up a horny hooker on Walking Street.

"How much?" he asks.

"2,000 baht" she replies.

"I'm a bit kinky. Is that ok?"

"OK, but it'll be 3,000 baht" she replies.

Happy with that they both retire to a short time room.

They walk inside and he switches the lights off. She can hear him walking around but decides not to move.

Suddenly he turn the lights back on and hand her 3,000 baht. "Thanks" and heads for the door.

"I thought that you said that you were kinky?" She asks...

"I am" he says "I just shat in your handbag"

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

'I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just plain bullshit!'