I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 men, then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "<deleted> Me"......

What happened next will haunt me forever.

Breaking News:

England have a new coach: It will be picking them up from Heathrow on Sunday!

A football match between India and Pakistan had to be abandoned after the ref showed the red card to a Pakistani player, and 85,000 people invaded the pitch thinking it was a British passport.

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely <deleted>.

British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa without catching anything .

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn:blink: channel. It is thought that 11 <deleted> being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "Its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.....(Love dat one.)

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill? - Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.

He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"

To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this fine mess. Don't ask me to sort it out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.

Mad cow disease

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............

"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired…..

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the

brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would

like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts

off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the

world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The

bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with

Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he

ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why

aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president

replies,

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Are you nuts?" says Mick.

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

OK, this is a rare admission for me, but I don't get the joke. I feel I should be getting it, but I don't. I'm embarrassed to ask, but please clarify/explain/illuminate. TIA

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Are you nuts?" says Mick.

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

OK, this is a rare admission for me, but I don't get the joke. I feel I should be getting it, but I don't. I'm embarrassed to ask, but please clarify/explain/illuminate. TIA

Labradors are most often employed as seeing-eye dogs. I thought it was funny.

Or maybe I didn't get it....did it have something to do with masturbating?

We once had a thread about Dolphin masturbation..................it was one of my favourites.

It's a "what comes first, the chicken or the egg" joke.

Do people go blind and get labradors or do they get labradors and go blind?

May be some things are better left unexplained, but I couldn't live with myself thinking of lannarebirth going through the rest of his days trying to work out that joke.

It's a "what comes first, the chicken or the egg" joke.

Do people go blind and get labradors or do they get labradors and go blind?

May be some things are better left unexplained, but I couldn't live with myself thinking of lannarebirth going through the rest of his days trying to work out that joke.

And what happens if the guide-dog goes blind?

Who's to know?

It's a "what comes first, the chicken or the egg" joke.

Do people go blind and get labradors or do they get labradors and go blind?

May be some things are better left unexplained, but I couldn't live with myself thinking of lannarebirth going through the rest of his days trying to work out that joke.

And what happens if the guide-dog goes blind?

Who's to know?

I've thought about this. Do they give a blind guide dog a seeing eye person ?

It's a "what comes first, the chicken or the egg" joke.

Do people go blind and get labradors or do they get labradors and go blind?

May be some things are better left unexplained, but I couldn't live with myself thinking of lannarebirth going through the rest of his days trying to work out that joke.

And what happens if the guide-dog goes blind?

Who's to know?

I've thought about this. Do they give a blind guide dog a seeing eye person ?

Apparently you give it a biscuit. Every time it leads the blind person into a wall or off the footpath, he's supposed to give it a treat....so that he knows where it's mouth is so he can kick it's arse.

Every time it leads the blind person into a wall or off the footpath, he's supposed to give it a treat....so that he knows where it's mouth is so he can kick it's arse.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

And they say there are no new business ideas?..............

Lady Selling Lemonade on the Beach

(reportedly clearing $250.00 per day)...

So who says making money is tough?

The jobs are out there!!

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had <deleted> all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got <deleted> all for breakfast'.

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice

from the kitchen:

"What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "<deleted>%k you.

You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

The problem with all the Michael Jackson jokes seems to be that they are just puns on the song lyrics. And that^s bad.

google_protectAndRun("ads_core.google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad);According to Web Usage Associates (and Public Notary), the following ten Michael Jackson Jokes are the most popular with Americans.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?

A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?

A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A: From a catalogue.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??

A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?

A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?

A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Q: What's brown and often found in a baby's diaper?

A: Michael Jackson's hand

Michael Jackson nearly died once in hospital before his actual death as well.

Apparently he was found in the kiddies ward having a stroke.

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

Ther are a number of stories about little Johnny. He's well known for his foul mouth.......

In class, the teaqcher was going through the alphabet and asking for a word that begins with that letter.

She started off with A; Who can give me a word begining with the letter A?

Johny's hand went straight up, but the teacher knew he would sqay something like "arse", so she bypassed him and asked someone else.

B, who can give me a word begining with B?

Johnny's hand went up, but no, she knew he would say bastard....and so on, past C (of course!!) and through the alphabet.

Finally the teacher came to R. Johnny's hand shot up and teacher thought to herself...."hmmmm, I can't think of a swear word starting with R...", "Ok Johnny, tell us a word begining with R.

"Rats, Miss, Rats!"

"Very good johnny, and very good that you didn't swear."

"Oh no miss," said Johnny, holding his hands 12 inches apart in front of him, "I don't mean ordinary rats, I mean rats with cocks on them this big!"

Then there was the time that Teacher asked for a true story with a moral to it.

Mary stood up and told the class about the time she went to the shop on her bike to buy some eggs. On the way home, she fell over and all the eggs broke. The teacher asked what was the moral to the story and Mary replied "Don't put all your eggs in one basket".

The Timmy stood up and related the tale of taking his dog to a dog show and trying to copy the trick that an earlier entrant's dog had done....to no avail. What's the lesson you learnt from that story Timmy? "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"

Johnny's turn and he told a story about his grandad in WW2....."You see Miss, there was 500 Japanese attacking the hill that Grandad and his platoon were on. The Japs killed all of Grandad's mates, and all he was left with was a medical kit with a bottle of whiskey in it, and three bullets, so Grandad drank the whiskey, shot 3 of the Japs, then killed all the rest of them with his bayonet, and he saved the hill and he saved that part of the war. He was a real hero!"

"That's a very interesting story Johnny.....but I can't see the moral or lesson in it."

"That's easy Miss, the moral of the story is, "Don't fcuck with Grandad when he's pissed!"

<SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 12pt">Nigeria</SPAN><FONT color=black face=Verdana><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; COLOR: black"> is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund all the money back to fans who travelled to <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 /><ST1:PLACE w:st="on"><ST1:COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">South Africa</ST1:COUNTRY-REGION></ST1:PLACE> .<BR><BR>He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to complete the transaction....<BR><BR>**************************************************************<BR><BR>The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday.<BR><BR>**************************************************************<BR>And finally,<BR><BR>Did you hear about the dyslexic<B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"> </SPAN></B>English football fan?<BR>He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's vulva</SPAN></FONT><FONT color=navy size=2 face=Arial><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: navy; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P></SPAN></FONT><BR clear=all><BR><BR>

<DIV> </DIV><BR><BR><BR>

ALL I TRY TO DO IS COPY AND PASTE.... GRRRRRR

STUFF THE NEW SYSTEM HERE.........&lt;deleted&gt;.

ThaiVisa has been taken over by North Korean agents.

I knew It !!

There can be no other explanation for this new format.......................

Probably a repeat, but I'm not going through all 40 pages to find out...

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- silence - -

HUSBAND:

&lt;deleted&gt; ....

<SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 12pt">Nigeria</SPAN><FONT color=black face=Verdana><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; COLOR: black"> is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund all the money back to fans who travelled to <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 /><ST1:PLACE w:st="on"><ST1:COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">South Africa</ST1:COUNTRY-REGION></ST1:PLACE> .<BR><BR>He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to complete the transaction....<BR><BR>**************************************************************<BR><BR>The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday.<BR><BR>**************************************************************<BR>And finally,<BR><BR>Did you hear about the dyslexic<B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"> </SPAN></B>English football fan?<BR>He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's vulva</SPAN></FONT><FONT color=navy size=2 face=Arial><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: navy; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P></SPAN></FONT><BR clear=all><BR><BR>

<DIV> </DIV><BR><BR><BR>

ALL I TRY TO DO IS COPY AND PASTE.... GRRRRRR

STUFF THE NEW SYSTEM HERE.........&lt;deleted&gt;.

Throw your old cookies out and get a new set.

Problem solved.

Can only get Oreos in Saigon.

Now if I could find some Hobnobs, or McVities Digestives, then I'd throw out the cookies.

Otherwise I prefer to eat the ones available.

What's all this to do with TV screw-ups ??

Muslim of the year

LOOK! No Bombs!!!

<SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 12pt">Nigeria</SPAN><FONT color=black face=Verdana><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; COLOR: black"> is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund all the money back to fans who travelled to <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 /><ST1:PLACE w:st="on"><ST1:COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">South Africa</ST1:COUNTRY-REGION></ST1:PLACE> .<BR><BR>He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to complete the transaction....<BR><BR>**************************************************************<BR><BR>The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday.<BR><BR>**************************************************************<BR>And finally,<BR><BR>Did you hear about the dyslexic<B><SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"> </SPAN></B>English football fan?<BR>He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's vulva</SPAN></FONT><FONT color=navy size=2 face=Arial><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: navy; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P></SPAN></FONT><BR clear=all><BR><BR>

<DIV> </DIV><BR><BR><BR>

ALL I TRY TO DO IS COPY AND PASTE.... GRRRRRR

STUFF THE NEW SYSTEM HERE.........&lt;deleted&gt;.

Throw your old cookies out and get a new set.

Problem solved.

Cookies deleted at every shutdown of puta.