Muslim of the year

LOOK! No Bombs!!!

I dunno - look liuke a couple of 25 pounders to me.

Muslim of the year

LOOK! No Bombs!!!

I dunno - look liuke a couple of 25 pounders to me.

And a poor boob job to boot. The two points of interest are aiming in different directions.

Muslim of the year

LOOK! No Bombs!!!

I dunno - look liuke a couple of 25 pounders to me.

And a poor boob job to boot. The two points of interest are aiming in different directions.

Silly................The nearest one always points to Mecca

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Bangkok. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 5 baht." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in gents and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a Bombay Sapphire martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 5 baht each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck They pay the 20 baht, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 20 baht, please."

They pay the 20 baht, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a 100 baht total. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for 5 baht apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender says, "but I always wanted to own a bar. Then last year I hit the Lottery for 25 million bucks and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 5 baht apiece - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sip at their martinis and can't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have drinks in front of them, and haven't ordered anything the whole time they have been there.

One fellow gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh them? hel_l! they're all old retired geezers from Thaivisa. They're all waiting for happy hour when all the drinks are half price!"

Nigeria is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund all the money back to fans who travelled to South Africa

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to complete the transaction

The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday

Did you hear about the dyslexic English football fan?

He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's vulva

There all fixed, happy now? Not hard to do mate but yes it does require some computer skills.

ALL I TRY TO DO IS COPY AND PASTE.... GRRRRRR

STUFF THE NEW SYSTEM HERE.........<deleted>.

you could try typing instead of the copy and paste method which is apparently a bit beyond you

CB

Nigeria is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund all the money back to fans who travelled to South Africa

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to complete the transaction

The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday

Did you hear about the dyslexic English football fan?

He got arrested for blowing a Zulu's vulva

There all fixed, happy now? Not hard to do mate but yes it does require some computer skills.

ALL I TRY TO DO IS COPY AND PASTE.... GRRRRRR

STUFF THE NEW SYSTEM HERE.........<deleted>.

you could try typing instead of the copy and paste method which is apparently a bit beyond you

CB

Blotty cheek from an uneddykated son of an OCKOR.

Takes brains to block, copy and paste.

IF it works.

Only a dumass would wanna TYPE instead............<deleted>

Those classic French authors never could type.

Fine by us

The headline for an article in a US newspaper about summer jobs being approved for a Baptist Conference: Baptist Students Approve 54 Missionary Positions

Who knew there were that many variations... ......?....... :jap:

True

A Scotsman walks into a pharmacy and throws a used condom down on the counter.

"Do ye do repairs?" he asks.

"Ummmm," says the pharmacist, using a pencil to turn the condom over. "I suppose I could repair it."

"How much will ye charge?"

"Oh, about 50p"

Outraged, the Scotsman snatches the condom off the counter and stalks out of the shop muttering about daylight robbery.

The next day, the Scotsman returns wearing a very serious look and throws the condom down on the counter again and says, "The clan has agreed to your proposal".

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?’ he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted and told the artist:

"Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large 2 carat diamond ring, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know. My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry"

Luvit, Pete... payback.

Four Moms in therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has

no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, The jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

If god didn't want us to eat animals. He wouldn't have made them out of food.

GARFIELD... ON THE OIL CRISIS

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in:

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

North Dakota

~~~

Wyoming

~~~

Colorado

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our dipsticks are located in DC

If god didn't want us to eat animals. He wouldn't have made them out of food.

Now this is profound.

( I suppose in Liverpool they use the same logic with hub-caps ? )

If god didn't want us to eat animals. He wouldn't have made them out of food.

Now this is profound.

( I suppose in Liverpool they use the same logic with hub-caps ? )

In Liverpool they eat hub-caps? dam_n, that explains a lot of things.

The sauce has to be just right...

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

Marriage humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '

I like your sense of humour!'

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Are you nuts?" says Mick.

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

OK, this is a rare admission for me, but I don't get the joke. I feel I should be getting it, but I don't. I'm embarrassed to ask, but please clarify/explain/illuminate. TIA

Labradors are most often employed as seeing-eye dogs. I thought it was funny.

Or maybe I didn't get it....did it have something to do with masturbating?

Ok, got it. I didn't see that angle as I thought guide dogs were predominantly German Shepards.

Every day we learn something new.

I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point.

The last question was “where do women have the curliest

hair?”

.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"

and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for

$1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "OK. The question is: which of

the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?

(a) Robin, ( Sparrow, © cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and

phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the

question to him. "Fookin hel_l, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's

simple......it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with

cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your! final answer?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is

the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a

drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the

cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know <deleted>-all

about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo

lives in a clock!"

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air,

the wind catches it for a few seconds,

then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband,

"You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind, woman. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite..."

Made in Louisiana

I've just started an online company specialising in DIY bomb making kits,

which are disguised as prayer mats...

Prophets are going thru the roof!!!

The Worst Nightmare !

In the nightmare I found myself nud_e in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am an African-American, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But - it's a wheelchair!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!'

'It's the pure and holy truth, sweetie,' whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.

Just what I needed! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God . . . Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo . . . I'm bald!

The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap . . . Any job!'

Mom? Dad? Nooooooooooooooo . . . Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!

With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker . . . Pacemaker??

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighbourhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me,

'Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?'

Say it isn't so! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat . . . .

BBC News - Man dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Pattaya, Thailand.

fuc_k, how high was that balcony!?