Skip to content
View in the app

A better way to browse. Learn more.

Thailand News and Discussion Forum | ASEANNOW

A full-screen app on your home screen with push notifications, badges and more.

To install this app on iOS and iPadOS
  1. Tap the Share icon in Safari
  2. Scroll the menu and tap Add to Home Screen.
  3. Tap Add in the top-right corner.
To install this app on Android
  1. Tap the 3-dot menu (⋮) in the top-right corner of the browser.
  2. Tap Add to Home screen or Install app.
  3. Confirm by tapping Install.

Short Ones...

Featured Replies

Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats,

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.

  • Replies 1.6k
  • Views 16.8k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Is this one too much?

From space Pakistan looks like a bowl of coco pops.

I'll get me coat...

Don't forget your hat.

I don't get it, as hard as I try to think laterally.

(flooding in Pakistan at the moment)

i'd considered that too...... still no.

Call me humourless then.

(flooding in Pakistan at the moment)

i'd considered that too...... still no.

Call me humourless then.

Same same.

I met a fairy today who offered me one wish….

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

I met a fairy today who offered me one wish….

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

So, you have dealings with fairies do you Pete.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

That'll be next year - in NZ.

All Kiwis will be jumping off tall buildings then, as England beat the Wallabies in the final, while the 'boks and 'les bleues' fight it out for third place.

:D:D:D:D

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

That'll be next year - in NZ.

All Kiwis will be jumping off tall buildings then, as England beat the Wallabies in the final, while the 'boks and 'les bleues' fight it out for third place.

:D:D:D:D

So you're saying the Blacks won't even reach the top 4?

Ya dreamin' mate!

But I think Pete was referring to soccer when he made his wish with the fairy.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

That'll be next year - in NZ.

All Kiwis will be jumping off tall buildings then, as England beat the Wallabies in the final, while the 'boks and 'les bleues' fight it out for third place.

:D:D:D:D

So you're saying the Blacks won't even reach the top 4?

Ya dreamin' mate!

But I think Pete was referring to soccer when he made his wish with the fairy.

I know - it's a game for fairies. :o

My son has a Handicap......and a Usefulpairoftrousers

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the world cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

That'll be next year - in NZ.

All Kiwis will be jumping off tall buildings then, as England beat the Wallabies in the final, while the 'boks and 'les bleues' fight it out for third place.

:D:D:D:D

So you're saying the Blacks won't even reach the top 4?

Ya dreamin' mate!

But I think Pete was referring to soccer when he made his wish with the fairy.

I know - it's a game for fairies. :o

Yeah, soccer is like that, fairies, hollywood acting etc.

The ANT

AND THE

GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different ...

Two Different Versions ....

Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he

dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN

VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house

and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Not short and too close to the truth to be funny!

Agree totally with ya, Humph:lol:

Longer than short but good . . .

EUROENGLISH - OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF EUROPE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of Europe, rather than German, which was the other possibilty. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with " f ". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "y". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leteres. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! (Und zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!!)

Longer than short but good . . .

EUROENGLISH - OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF EUROPE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of Europe, rather than German, which was the other possibilty. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with " f ". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "y". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leteres. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! (Und zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!!)

Ve haf vays ov makin yu spik Euro.

Every day we learn something new.

I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point.

The last question was “where do women have the curliest

hair?”

.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji

That was good. Made me laugh loud.

Frozen carburettor

In the fun world of the administration of N Z Justice, not all the

laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can

erupt at almost any time or place. For example:

On a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago on the Desert Rd a N Z Police Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in

protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the

matter?" asked the constable.

"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the Waiouru office received a note of thanks from the

father of the motorbike rider.

It began:
"On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

When God created man he promised him that he would be able to find good women in all corners of the world.

And then he made the earth round.

:lol:

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.

This picture came to mind when I first heard that story...

Something_wrong.jpg

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

That's funny Pete. :lol:

Agreed!. I passed Pete's stories onto another forum with similar happy results.

New Exercise program

The older we get, the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.

Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program

SCROLL DOWN.......

NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of beer :D

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge

in my speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

I pointed out another guy in similiar trunks & asked why he was not being asked to leave.

" Because he hasn't shit himself " was the reply !

A little girl accidently sees her dad in the shower.

She's curious and asks what his testicles are?

" Those are the apples of life" he tells her

Impressed, she repeats this to her mother,who adds

"Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging on ?"

A woman walked past me in a bar.

I said "Wow, I'd give her one "

She replied " I wouldn't shag you if my life depended on it!!"

I said " I was giving you marks out of ten you ugly cun_t!"

Two Irish blokes are out in the woods hunting when Paddy says

" I'm bursting for a <deleted> but havent got anything to wipe my arse on "

Murphy says " have you got a fiver?"

"Yes" says Paddy

"Well use that" says Murphy.

So off Paddy goes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

Murphy says "WHAT THE fuc_k HAPPENED TO YOU?"

Paddy looks at him and goes

" Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 4 pound coins and two 50 pence pieces !!!

Create an account or sign in to comment

Recently Browsing 0

  • No registered users viewing this page.

Account

Navigation

Search

Search

Configure browser push notifications

Chrome (Android)
  1. Tap the lock icon next to the address bar.
  2. Tap Permissions → Notifications.
  3. Adjust your preference.
Chrome (Desktop)
  1. Click the padlock icon in the address bar.
  2. Select Site settings.
  3. Find Notifications and adjust your preference.