Frustrated Farang Husband

[arcturaz]

I have been married to the same Thai woman for 17 years. We have two children and currently reside in North Thailand. I am not sure if I am posting in the correct forum, if I am in error I would appreciate some directions about where to put this post. I will cut to the chase. The past ten years has been a living hell for me. My wife is (naturally) from the northeast and therefore has had endless family issues. One thing after another has occurred and it has reached the point to where I am seriously considering divorce and removal of the children. I have done everything in my power to avoid this, even sacrificing my own welfare, financial stability and pride., However, I am not sure if love, honesty, and loyalty are enough to pave the way to a brighter future. I admit I am not perfect, however, I am reasonably good at being a husband, a breadwinner, a father, a business owner and a patient facilitator for a very large family extended family. My wife has never worked, never took the opportunity offered to further her education, never has assisted me in my many business ventures, and is not even a very good housekeeper. I am sure there are some men who understand the term Thai-style housekeeping. So, why am I so stressed? Well, four years ago my wife's mother came down with terminal brain cancer, a couple of years before that her brother was incarcerated for life (no more on that), and of course, children were born spaced about four years apart. All of these events had the effect of slowing down and concealing a seriously unstable situation that was only getting worse. Added to the mix is several million Bhat wasted on failed business ventures that later turned out to be either fraudulent or woefully imbecilic. One rat after another came through the door an endless stream of self-made indigents and free riders. Now, it seems, we are approaching a new chapter. The mother, along with the father and another family member lived with us for four years and we cared for her every day. She recently died and the father has moved back to the northeast. During the time of her illness, I had to move to another country to increase my income. I was away for approximately three years. I won't go into the details, but I discovered that while I was away my wife was cheating on me with other MEN, not one but several (not only did I obtain hard evidence, my wife later admitted to it all). Also, she had a Thai man move into our home to assist with her small drink shop. She calls this man a 'cousin', but I have never heard of him before. On several occasions, I have caught them tickling each other, and on one occasion he slapped her ass, not knowing I was nearby. Needless to say, since returning I have confronted my wife about all the aforementioned transgressions. She pleaded for forgiveness, promising to do better. I have to admit that she is showing signs of improvement, except for two areas; house management and physical intimacy. Since my return, she clearly has no interest in having sex (with me at least) and continues to be very lazy about home organization. For the first time in my life, I am stumped about what action to take. I feel I am justified in breaking off the relationship and taking the children. I already have a legal agreement granting me custody. However, I do not want to let resentment and pride ruin what might be a savable family. Well, that's the short version )I know, who would want to read the long one, just too much) I am hoping to get some constructive feedback from other men who have may have undergone similar experiences. Thank you all for your time and infinite patience.

[Denim]

Short reply.

 

If today is like yesterday , tomorrow will be like today.

 

If you want things to change you will have to do it yourself. Since your situation is unmanageable you will have to change your situation radically and not look back. No point mulling over the past. That's long gone. If you want a better future you are going to have to divorce and pick up the resultant pieces as best you can without beating yourself up over it. Eyes forward not looking back.

 

The alternative will just be more of the same. Some people cannot changed or be saved from themselves therefore move on and let them be what they are.

[lovelomsak]

I feel for you. Men sometimes are their own worst enemy. It sounds to me like you are in denial. I would say the wife is no good just a problem.But love is blind huh

 If you want to stay together with her here is what i would do.

  Let her know since sex is finished together you want a live in mia noi. The wife will become the housemaid. Clean house do laundry take care of children and such.You will sleep with mia noi.

  Give her a set budget to live on for food etc. And tell her you will take care of yourself if what she cooks is not to your liking. Or you and mia noi will eat separate

  You will do as you please and she will do as she pleases but her budget will drop considerably.

If she does not like that leave her get another from the village to care for the children and you.

  

[Ks45672]

You have more patience than I have.... 

[Hummin]

There is a good reason for not having children with a thai! To many Stories alike this. 

[Lungstib]

I think Denim gave a terrific answer, only thing he didn't mention was the kids. Its not just you that will undergo changes, its them too. Any idea how they feel about things? Would they happily leave mum to stay with dad? If they would go get yourself in a better place cus staying is pointless.

[AlexRich]

I don’t think you need the advice of TV posters, as you already know exactly what to do ... leave and take your kids with you. There is nothing there to salvage I’m afraid. Good luck.

[nikmar]

Mate, she's cheated on you, and more than once. If this was someone else in your position, what advice would you give them? Think about it and be honest with yourself. Good luck from me as well.

[NCC1701A]

and thank you for posting as your experience will help others who are about to get married have a better understanding of one of many possible downside to marriage in Thailand.

 

the worst thing is, all your extended family members knew what was happening with the "cousin".

 

Abandon ship! Children to the life boats. Time to exercise and lose a little weigh. Walk around the mall and smile at the sales girls. 

 

DO NOTHING FOR YOUR WIFE.

[BritManToo]

53 minutes ago, arcturaz said:

she clearly has no interest in having sex (with me at least)

Sounds like every marriage in the world after the first year or two.

Once you've bought them a house and they've popped a few kids, the sex is finished.

 

Too late for any advice, if you like the house you stay and bang giks on the side, like all the Thai guys do.

[Small Joke]

Number one, and since you have kids. 

Go have a vasectomy asap! 

Google a doctor, then go get it done!  

The best investment any man over 40 can make period. 

I won't rehash the other sound advice you've gotten here.  

I've never had kids (two abortions,  different women, at 30 her sole choice,  and 41 joint decision) and so I opted for a vasectomy at 45, I've since travelled the world,  and never looked back. 

Most of my mates are screwed, past 50 with young kids to fund and feed until well after most hit retirement.  

Women have their 'baby clock',  but I just don't see why men get sucked into such a life changing financial disaster. They barely think it through in most cases. 

Get the chop,  Chop-chop! 

 

[orchis]

good story, has all the elements.

 

[Small Joke]

39 minutes ago, Hummin said:

There is a good reason for not having children with a thai! To many Stories alike this. 

Best not having children,  with Anyone!  If it is so imperative,  adopt, rather than add to the billions already here. 

[scorecard]

51 minutes ago, lovelomsak said:

I feel for you. Men sometimes are their own worst enemy. It sounds to me like you are in denial. I would say the wife is no good just a problem.But love is blind huh

 If you want to stay together with her here is what i would do.

  Let her know since sex is finished together you want a live in mia noi. The wife will become the housemaid. Clean house do laundry take care of children and such.You will sleep with mia noi.

  Give her a set budget to live on for food etc. And tell her you will take care of yourself if what she cooks is not to your liking. Or you and mia noi will eat separate

  You will do as you please and she will do as she pleases but her budget will drop considerably.

If she does not like that leave her get another from the village to care for the children and you.

  

I don't have an answer, but please keep in mind that if you try to take the children away to another location / country and the matter goes to the court (for divorce or re-hearing of the children's custody) your behavior of having a live in mia noi and making your legal wife do maid duties may perhaps put your custody of the children at risk.

 

Perhaps it could also generate a severe negative reaction from her adult siblings etc.

 

As already said, there is 99.9% chance it will not get better and will not be a pleasant existence if you stay.

 

Further what would the children want, if you try to take them away will they fight to stay with their mother?  On the other hand would your wife actually prefer to not have to take daily care of the children?

 

You do seem to have a serious complex situation. Good luck. 

 

 

[Esso49]

First question is are you legally married to her and/or were you legally married to her when your children were born ? 

[arcturaz]

WOW, I never thought in a million years anyone would reply, not to mention the quality of the replies. Thank you guys, more than you know ... this helps a lot. Thanks. 

 

Ess - legally married. Now divorced because I worked out a custody agreement which was filed with the government. Still living together. 

[Pilotman]

leave, now, today  and never return. 

[Esso49]

14 minutes ago, arcturaz said:

WOW, I never thought in a million years anyone would reply, not to mention the quality of the replies. Thank you guys, more than you know ... this helps a lot. Thanks. 

 

Ess - legally married. Now divorced because I worked out a custody agreement which was filed with the government. Still living together. 

Were you married when your children were born ?

[NCC1701A]

24 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

But first plan some strategy.

Spidermike is right. and you must be 100% on board with the idea you are leaving or your wife will play you and make this process much harder. It can be really hard, but you need to put all your energy into researching all your legal options for kids, house?, securing assets, closing bank accounts, collecting all legal paperwork, passport now so you have it. Green books, Yellow books whatever. And packing up and moving out.

 

And a strategy for your personal safety during all of this. Trying to leave with the kids might cause some real drama.

[ReneTH]

Take your losses, leave her and go together with the children (if possible).

Don't spend a single baht on her or the extended family anymore and sell the house and start a new chapter in this life. Stop disrespecting yourself too and start choosing for YOU.

Don't stay living with her too, it messes up your energy.
Perhaps move into a cheap guesthouse temporary to be able to breathe and sort things out.

 

 

[BobBKK]

Thais often see politeness and caring as weakness. Don't be WEAK take the kids and leave. 

[scorecard]

4 minutes ago, ReneTH said:

Take your losses, leave her and go together with the children (if possible).

Don't spend a single baht on her or the extended family anymore and sell the house and start a new chapter in this life. Stop disrespecting yourself too and start choosing for YOU.

Don't stay living with her too, it messes up your energy.
Perhaps move into a cheap guesthouse temporary to be able to breathe and sort things out.

 

 

 

Agree:

 

1, Don't stay in the same house with a mere noi and her new bf, it will just mess up your emotions big time. And what for, move on!

 

2. Take a little time to make a step by step exit strategy - don't try to get to a better place in one step. 

 

Best of luck.

[BEVUP]

So divorced & living together, is that why she has the Cousin there

 

Well you did the right thing when you found out about her lovers - Divorced

 

BUT, you hung around after getting a settlement from the courts - maybe you just have been use to that life for to long & thinking the kids need to stay there 

 

You said you have a Business - so you should be able to make some harsh decissions & work out the moving strategy 

[sidjameson]

Are you codependent?

Google it if you don't know what it means.

[simon43]

Been there done that - lived with my legal Thai wife after she had ****ed a Thai guy and was pregnant - I was too poor at the time to leave the marital home.

 

You do not need that kind of stress, and you do not need the disrespect that you're getting right now from her (and presumably her family).

 

You should have left long ago.  Don't even tell her.  Take the kids and anything else of value and go - don't look back....

[Cletus]

4 hours ago, arcturaz said:

My wife has never worked, never took the opportunity offered to further her education, never has assisted me in my many business ventures, and is not even a very good housekeeper.

Sorry, I stopped reading here.

Good luck anyway.

[Teelak17]

Stop feeding those parasites.

Go aways and before try to hide your money in other bank.

 

To be a man in this time.

 

Good luck.

 

[Boon Mee]

Gotta feel sorry for the poor guy. 

[zzaa09]

1 minute ago, Boon Mee said:

Gotta feel sorry for the poor guy. 

Yeah - these situations happen. 

 

And perhaps, not so common.

It's that these types of stories receive the most attention, therefore casting the expected stereotypes.

 

[JimmyTheMook]

6 minutes ago, Boon Mee said:

Gotta feel sorry for the poor guy. 

I don't at all.

 

Stay away from long term relationships with Isaan women and their deadbeat trash families.