I can't believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was.
He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it.
Like that's going to make it lighter.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"

The bartender asks "so which one died?"

"No one."

"But you only ordered two drinks!"

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

My Lesbian neighbours have got me a Seiko timepiece for Christmas.
Obviously misunderstood, I said I wanna watch.

Three little ducks go into a Bar......
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked..
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles.

A group of squid are called a shoal.
Why aren't they called a squad?

Just finished a book about our ability to smell. It's a sensation.

A Santa at NASA
has won top spot at this years National Palindrome Awards.

Just been sacked by the Christmas soup kitchen.
All because, as I was serving spuds onto homeless people's plates, I was wishing them "Merry Christmas."
My own fault really, cos earlier on ,management had briefed us to say, "Happy Holidays."
I need to stop committing these hate crimes.

A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!".

"Shhh, quiet now, Breeze-block."

I used to get so excited about French lessons.
Sometimes a little 'oui' would come out.

Back in the day, I was drummer for The Hinges.

We supported The Doors.

If a giant crab stops you in the street, gets a hip flask out and says, "Do you fancy a nip?" ...
Don't fall for it. It's a scam.

On 9/9/2021 at 7:52 AM, sanuk711 said:

Picture of Andy who has fled to his mommies again--

Hiding from those nasty men who want to serve him papers in a Rape case.

Don’t they listen? He has already said on tv that he is willing to talk to them,

 

.

I don't get it.

1 hour ago, Neeranam said:

I don't get it

Honestly  Neeranam......I posted it that long ago that --nor do I now.............

1 hour ago, Neeranam said:

I don't get it.

Easy to see,just look for the not so green leaves.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

If a giant crab stops you in the street, gets a hip flask out and says, "Do you fancy a nip?" ...
Don't fall for it. It's a scam.

Especially if you let him get his claws into you!

 

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Back in the day, I was drummer for The Hinges.

We supported The Doors.

Were you too well oiled all the time as it does not seem to have swung open your entry into the musical hall of fame!

 

 

 

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I used to get so excited about French lessons.
Sometimes a little 'oui' would come out.

Are you taking the pisse?

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

A group of squid are called a shoal.
Why aren't they called a squad?

Cause they don't march very well!

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I can't believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was.
He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it.
Like that's going to make it lighter.

I din't know but you might be able to lick some sense into him with another post!

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My mate offered to give me a lift this morning.
I said its no use to me, I live in a bungalow.

You could always make a basement and install it there!

1 hour ago, jvs said:

Easy to see,just look for the not so green leaves.

Quite small though.