*ATTORNEY*: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

*WITNESS* : Did you actually pass the law exam?
____________________

*ATTORNEY* : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

*WITNESS* : He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________

*ATTORNEY* : Were you present when your picture was taken?

*WITNESS* : Are you serious. 
____________________

*ATTORNEY*: She had three children, right?

*WITNESS* : Yes.

*ATTORNEY* : How many were boys?

*WITNESS* : None.

*ATTORNEY* : Were there any girls?

*WITNESS* : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________

*ATTORNEY* : How was your first marriage terminated?

*WITNESS* : By death.

*ATTORNEY* : And by whose death was it terminated?

*WITNESS* : Take a guess.
____________________

*ATTORNEY* : Can you describe the individual?

*WITNESS* : He was about medium height and had a beard.

*ATTORNEY* : Was this a male or a female?

*WITNESS* : Unless the Circus was in town,  I'm going with male.
____________________

*ATTORNEY* : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

*WITNESS :* All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________________

*ATTORNEY*: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

*WITNESS* : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

*ATTORNEY* : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

*WITNESS* : If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________

*ATTORNEY*: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : Did you check for blood pressure?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : Did you check for breathing?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

*WITNESS* : No.

*ATTORNEY* : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

*WITNESS* : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

*ATTORNEY* : But could the patient have still been alive? 

*WITNESS*: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

Not new but ...

 

Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," he said.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

22 hours ago, ballpoint said:

 

And for those just too young ...