I went to see a stand up comedian last night. He was so bad that even the empty seats got up and left.

 

 

How do you make a Whoopee cushion even funnier?

Fill it with gravy.

I just bought myself an apple mac.
Finally, I can take my apples out when it rains.

The man responsible for the arrest of Anne Frank seeks forgiveness.
Saying "I just thought buying her the drum kit would brighten things up for her".

Why do laxatives have a best before date?

If they go off, what's the worst that can happen?

Seen in the personal ads earlier,
Egyptian, 35. Seeks Mummy figure.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'

Apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life.

I'm wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married?

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkeys.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
Some folk have weird names.

1 hour ago, Zyxel said:

And anti-snore, sound damper wall for couples married 30+ YRS...

Is Fangless still around? Miss his cheeky take on the serious matter posted in this thread...

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

 

Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

 

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home. 

 

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a  lady who told him she was lost. 

 

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' 

 

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.' 

 

The  lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?' 

 

'Thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the lady home. 

 

On the way, he said, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' 

 

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' 

 

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' 

 

The  lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'