We were born naked, wet and hungry. And it's all been downhill from there.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.  No time wasters.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

9 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Looks like my high school diploma,it was put in a box when i got it and is still there.

 

 

‘I turned to alcohol to cope with the pressure,’ said Wayne Rooney.

‘I drank so much, some of those women didn’t look a day over 75.’

I saw a sign saying "Falling Rocks".
I tried it.
It doesn't.

Just heard on the news that the Dutchman who invented inflatable footwear has popped his clogs.

I'm trying to trace my father...
Can anyone recommend a good marker pen?

I saw the worst mind reader ever last night..

Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."

Me: "OK"

Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."

Me: "OK"

Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?"

Me: "No"

Mind reader: "Ace of spades?"

Me: "No"

Mind reader: "What is it then?"

Me: "Happy Birthday"...

I bought a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when I put it on my skin started going a funny blue colour, so I suspected it was fake.
Turns out it was a bracelet.

I told my wife that I was opening a strip club.

She said, "Are you having me on?".

I said, "I'll give you an audition, but I can't promise anything."