A woman calls her husband at work to share some news.

"I'm kind of busy right now, babe, can't it wait until I get home?"
"Not really," she replies.

"I've just got to share some good news and some bad news."
"All right," he replies, playing along.

"I'm in a rush, so just give me the good news."
"Well," she sighs,

 

"The good news is that the airbags on the car worked correctly."
 

A man is explaining to his co-worker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
"Really?" the co-worker asks. "What showed you she really loved you?"
"She was just really excited to have me around," the man replied.

"Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly,

 

'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
 

Potatoes

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out

for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University to you and eye) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips, if she wasn't skint by her nights out.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Sir David Bimbley!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Sir David Bimbley because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?

Are

You sure?

*

OK!

Here it is!

*

A COMMONTATER

1 hour ago, fasteddie said:

That is a very advanced drawing for the person holding it.

That is a very advanced drawing for the person holding it.

But he’s improving, he’s got it the right way up !!

 

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

Upset ????

well at least she didn't end like her shady cousin Ida  who gets called a  "hoe" everywhere she goes.....

or their crazy uncle "Chip" who always tries to coerce people to eat fish, drink beverages or eat strange food dips .  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 
Upset ????
well at least she didn't end like her shady cousin Ida  who gets called a  "hoe" everywhere she goes.....
or their crazy uncle "Chip" who always tries to coerce people to eat fish, drink beverages or eat strange food dips .  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.

Have you been on the poteen Seth ??

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Have you been on the poteen Seth ??

 

A  guy carves a gun out of a potato, paints it black and then robs his local 7-11  .

The clerk recognizes him and says you'll never get away with it , you'll be arrested within an hour.

The robber says yes,.. but there's no way they're going to be able to convict me  "  I can easily prove the evidence was planted".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can’t stand my mother in law". The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".

A dedicated professor of music decided to go deep into the African jungle to test his theory that wild animals could be tamed by playing them beautiful music. Sure enough, his theory proved to be true. As he began playing a beautiful piece of classical music on his violin, he soon had an appreciative audience -- two giraffes, three snakes, four zebras and a host of monkeys.

All of a sudden, a lion roared into the middle of them and bit off the professor's head. 
"Why did you do that?" complained the other animals. "That was beautiful music and you've gone and spoilt it." 

The lion put a paw to his ear and said "What?" 
 

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

 DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
 SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
 SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 

 DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
 SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
 SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 

 DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
 SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
 SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 

 DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

 SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
 SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 

 DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
 SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
 SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
 A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 

 Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
 A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

 

  Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

 A: Childbirth.
    
 Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
 A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
  
 Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
 A: When the kids are in college.

 

 Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
 A: No, 35 children is enough.

 

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
 A. A widow.

 

 

 

 

Two bed bugs met in a mattress and fell in love.

They got married in the spring.

 

I don't see what's so cool about doing drugs.  I tried sniffing coke once.

And got an ice cube stuck up my nose.

 

A mate asked me if I wanted to join his pub quiz team.

I had to turn him down.  I know nothing about pubs.

 

Everyone goes on about the cost of living, but what about the cost of dying?  My grandfather's funeral has cost me $14,000 so far.

I knew it was a bad idea to bury him in a rented suit.

 

 

 

 

I think this guy is spot on !!