A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" the pastor tells the parishioner.
The parishioner replies, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, pastor."
The pastor questions, "Then how come I don't see you in church except at Christmas and Easter?"

The parishioner whispers, "I'm in the secret service."

On the first day of Hanukkah, a grandmother is giving her grandson directions to her new apartment.

He is coming to visit with his new wife.

"You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 2B. I'll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Hit the up button with your elbow, get in, and with your other elbow hit the number two. When you exit the elevator, I'm the second door on the right. Ring my doorbell with your elbow and I'll let you in."
"Grandma, that sounds easy," replies the grandson. "But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
His grandmother answers,

 

"You're coming to visit empty-handed?"
 

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

That's quite amoosing.

10 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

That's quite amoosing.

Just washing his cock in the bison

An office manager is interviewing an applicant.

He asks the woman if she has any unusual talents. She says she'd actually won a few national crossword puzzle contests.

"Sounds good," the office manager replies,

"but we want someone who will be just as intelligent during office hours."
"Oh," says the applicant.

 

"That's good because that's when I do most of my puzzles."
 

A man goes on a job interview.

The interviewer tells him that they are looking to hire someone who is responsible.

"Well, I'm your man," the applicant replies.

"At my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
 

A man is begging a judge to let him off jury duty because of his job.

"I'm sure your company can get along fine without you for a few days," the judge tells the man.
"I know," the man answers.

 

"But that's what I'm trying to prevent them from figuring out."
 

 
It took me a lot longer than I will admit to [emoji846]
 

That's because you aren't a woman.

I got it instantly [emoji57]

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

Well, some messages are more popular than others ...

Can't we just wait till at least after Halloween b4 the Xmas stuff!

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

5 hours ago, Seth1a2a said:

Can't we just wait till at least after Halloween b4 the Xmas stuff!

I think that this year Halloween will be really scary in the UK and possibly the EU as well. Kids will be wearing masks of Boris, Teresa May, Junker, Tusk and Nigel.

 

Later in the dark of the night there may be visits to, and disappearances from, some MPs houses

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Can't we just wait till at least after Halloween b4 the Xmas stuff!

I'm just "warming up" for now .....more to come later.......In the meantime here's a seasonal 

post to kick off the Halloween spirit.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unless you are well covered that is

 

 

It’s true !!

Yup, that would be a khrap day !!

Here’s some excellent advice !!

If you’re really quick you can still save it !!