Was in a hurry so tried pressing my trousers whilst wearing them but ended up taking longer because I burned myself. Oh, the iron knee.

I looked in my wife's wardrobe today. It was chaos with skirts, dresses and blouses all mixed together. There were even a few of my suits and shirts in there.

 

I think she has hanger management issues.

Some little-known tribute bands:

 

"Jar Lid" - They cover The Jam.

 

"Prevention" - They were actually better than The Cure.

 

An 80s tribute band who wear yellow metal plates -  "Banana Armour".

Chap goes into a bookshop and asks for the book by Shakespeare.

The employee says “Sure, which one?”

Chap replies “William”.

 

Then he went to The Globe Theatre box office and asked for two tickets.

“For Romeo and Juliet?” asked the ticket clerk.

“No, for me and my wife”.

Why don’t Marxists drink Typhoo?  They believe proper tea is theft.

 

One cup asks another if he wants to bet on which once can hold most tea. The other says, “No, that’s a mug’s game”.

9 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Wondered what they called it back then.

22 hours ago, Zyxel said:

 

22 hours ago, ballpoint said:

If it's a choice between a WWII German soldier and a dog as my grandfather, I'll take the dog thanks.

I find the last post offensive. My Grandfather died at Auschwitz.

 

He fell out of a guard tower.

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Was in a hurry so tried pressing my trousers whilst wearing them but ended up taking longer because I burned myself. Oh, the iron knee.

It might have helped if they had have stuck this on it

In a similar vein to the previous...

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my mate works.
He's missing, presumed red.

I'm in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

My mate bet me £10 that I couldn't do a Butterfly impression.

I thought, that's got to be worth a little flutter.
 

Breaking news:

Inspector Clouseau has caught minkypox.

Due to a mix up in the Urology department at the hospital, Orange Juice is off the Breakfast menu today.

My mates called me tight, so I decided to buy them a beer to prove I'm not.
Turns out they wanted one each!

22 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Due to a mix up in the Urology department at the hospital, Orange Juice is off the Breakfast menu today.

Should that not be apple juice? ????