The metal detector beeped when the guard was checking me.
 

He asked me if I had any metallic stuff with me, I said:

 

No...it just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.

I told the doctor I wanted a vasectomy.

He said to me, “This is a major decision. Have you talked it over with your wife and kids?”

I said, “Yeah, we're all in favor, 17-1.”

I had to go to the hospital for a gastroscopy today.

There were three other guys in the waiting room.

The doctor came through and explained what has happening to the four of us. He said that I was having the gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat and the other three were there for a colonoscopy, which is the camera up the butt. He then asked if any of us had any questions.

I said: “Yes. Can I go first?”

These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat.

The first guy asks the second, “What are you in for?”

“Camera down the throat.” the second guy replies.

“Oh, endoscopy?” the first guy asks.

The second guy says, “Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?”

“Camera up the butt” the first guy says.

“Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?” asks the second guy.

 

The first guy says, “No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo.”

And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster!

7 hours ago, MJCM said:

And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster!

My grandfather used to tell me that one. Really 

25 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Or, if you're Khun Thai and owe the money lender too much and can't pay then ...'gone to Italy'.

I kept hearing  this person gone to Italy,    then   that person gone to Italy. 

When I asked, that's what I was told. ????