A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast!"

Halloween this year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what? asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copter", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copter"

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me”.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

It might have been posted here already, but still a good one

 

Doug was writing his last will and testament in his nursing home.

 

He was surrounded by his wife, his three daughters and his nurses.Slowly he went through each family member and told them what they stand to inherit after he has passed away.“My daughters, each of you will take my offices in the city, my apartments in the east end and the Mayfair houses,” he said.

 

Doug then turned to his wife and added: “My darling, you will take all of
the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”The nurses had been caring for Doug for several months now and were shocked to discover how much property he owned.

 

One of the nurses, curious to know how he gained all of this property, leaned over to his wife and whispered: “Your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated all of this property.

 

”Doug’s wife looked at the nurse in confusion and replied:

 

“Property? No!The old <deleted> is leaving us his paper route!”

12 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I had to google three-peggers.

 

If anyone else needs a clue ...

My ancestry test came back. 

I'm full english.

I'm Finnish :- A cigarette and a vodka

The Federal Bureau of Political Correctness and Emotional Sensitivity has unveiled it's first fully approved public statue in the central park.  The un-sulpted, un-engraved, un-dedicated plain marble block was titled 'Memorial to Everything and Anything'. This sparked an immediate protest from groups of people who hate everything and anything with demand to have the statue removed.

 

How do you make the number one disappear?

You just add a G and then it's Gone.

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country !!!!

I think they're in de Nile.

Which country is the largest weapons supplier of the Ukraine?

 

 

 

Russia ! ! !