On 12/24/2022 at 10:21 AM, ballpoint said:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,

but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

It's all about timing. ????

2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Brilliant ????????

Just done my good deed for today, this morning at the Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue, her bill came to £52 but she only had just under £50, she didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

It was Christmas eve in the harem

 

The eunuchs were stood round the walls

 

When asked what they wanted for Christmas

 

The eunuchs all shouted 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Horlicks.

 

Cos it gets cold at night.

.

Just a thought...

 

No-one wants a used mattress for free but we pay hundreds of dollars to sleep on one at hotels.

 

 

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the expressway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
 

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed... I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station..

And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

A couple is lying in bed. The woman says, 'I am going to make you the happiest man in the world.'

The man replies, 'I'll miss you...'

Is it too soon for Christmas jokes?

 

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150.
Do you think that's two deer?