Meanwhile in India...  No, I asked for a fluorescent light starter, not a fight starter!

 

51 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

 

Mixed metaphors really annoy me.

It’s not rocket surgery, is it?

I phoned Amazon Customer Services to complain about the obscene insult I get every time I log into their website.
They explained that I was merely misreading the words 'Your Account'

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
He is now just a pizza history.

We stayed at this hotel recently. It was just your usual hotel, nothing fancy, as far as I could see. We had a nice enough room on the 14th floor, no complaints there.

But, as it happened I had occasion to phone the Management.

I said to the chap at the front desk " My wife and I are having an argument, and she is threatening to jump out of the window!"

"I'm sorry sir, he replied, we class that complaint as a domestic issue, nothing to do with the Management."

"That may be your policy, I retorted, but I think you've failed to grasp the severity of the situation. You need to send someone up because I can't get the window open!"

34 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Timed myself making love to the wife yesterday.

 

Three hours, 22 minutes and 7 seconds. Wow!

 

That time includes the pre-sex financial negotiations and the kip afterwards.

 

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
 
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
 
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
 
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
 
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
 
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
 
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
 
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
 
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
 
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
 
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
 
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
 
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh## myself...'
 
Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

53 minutes ago, roo860 said:

You will only get a barking mad bit if advice I assume if you did!

But you could always collar him later of the advice goes to the dogs!

2 hours ago, roo860 said:

 

Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'mounted policeman'.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

 

Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'mounted policeman'.

As long as they are still in a stable condition and can trot along into the future without being saddled by some teaser who needs a bridle to rein them in!