59 minutes ago, tomazbodner said:

Diary of a Bosnian, who moved to Canada:

 

August 12th: We just moved in our new home in Canada. I'm so excited! It's so beautiful here! The mountains are stunning! I can't wait to see them covered in snow!

 

October 14th: This is the most beautiful country in the World! The leaves' color changed to wonderful shades of yellow and orange. I drove through the countryside and saw a few deers. They're so elegant! These are the most beautiful animals in the World! This has to be Heaven! I love Canada!

 

November 11th: Remembrance Day (Canadian holiday). Deer hunting season will start soon. I can't understand how could someone kill such a wonderful animal! I hope it will start snowing soon. It's so wonderful here!

 

December 2nd: The first snow fell last night. I woke up in the morning to see everything covered in snow. Everything looks like the most beautiful postcard! We went outside, cleaned the stairway and the driveway and then had a snowball fight (I won!). After the snowplow passed by our house, we had to clean the driveway again. What a wonderful country! I love Canada!

 

December 12th: The snow fell again tonight. The snowplow passed again and covered our driveway again. It's really beautiful here!

 

December 19th: Last night the snow was falling again! I couldn't take the car out of the garage to go to work. It's really beautiful here, but I'm very tired due to the snow cleaning. F***ing snowplow again!

 

December 22nd: This white c**p was falling all night! I got blisters because of all the snow cleaning and my back hurts! It feels like the snowplow jack**s is just waiting behind the corner for me to clean my driveway, so he could pass by my house with the snowplow! A**hole!

 

December 25th: Merry f***ing Christmas! More of the white c**p! If I ever catch that fa**ot driving the snowplow, I'm gonna f***ing kill him! Why the f**k don't they sprinkle more salt on the road so that the snow melts before?!

 

December 27th: More snow fell last night. I haven't gone out for three days, except for cleaning the snow after the snowplow passed by. I can't go anywhere because my car got stuck in the snowpile in front of the house and it's freezing! The weather forecast for tonight is 30 new centimeters of the white c**p.

 

December 28th: The weather forecast was incorrect. 50 new centimeters in the end. If it continues to fall like this, the snow won't melt until the summer! The snowplow got stuck and the a**hole came to my house to ask me for a shovel. I told him that I broke six shovels cleaning the snow that he rammed in front of my house and I barely controlled myself not to break the shovel on his head!

 

January 4th: I finally got out of the house! I went to the store to buy some groceries, and when I was coming back home, I bumped a deer. Three thousand dollars for fixing the damage on the car! Those f***ing beasts should be killed! Why the f**k didn't the f***ing hunters kill them all last autumn?!

 

May 3rd: I took the car to the mechanic. It's unbelievable how much it rusted because of all the f***ing salt that had been sprinkled all f***ing winter long!

 

May 10th: That's it! I've f***ing had enough! I'm moving to Florida! I can't imagine how could anyone normal live in this f***ing country!?

3 minutes ago, jvs said:

After the snowplow passed by our house, we had to clean the driveway again.

 

Always shovel the snow "downstream" 555

54 minutes ago, fasteddie said:

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from India This is how it went:

"Hello sir, how are you today?"

"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"

"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".

"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India?How's the weather there today?"

" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"

"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"

"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"

"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".

"You don't?"

"I don't".

"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"

"Don't have one".

"Ipad?"

"Nope".

"Tablet?"

"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".

After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"

I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

 

This guy (Cliff) was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there’s nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the religious experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn’t drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. ‘Look Pepe, that’s the <deleted> that got in the car when we were pushing it.’

 

 

Seagull - Arrives, makes a lot of noise, sh1ts everywhere and leaves.