It's a pirate recruit's first day on his new ship.

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
"Aye," says the old man, "tis quite a tale."
"How'd you lose your leg?" Asks the recruit.
"Aye." Says the old man, "We were in battle, and a cannon shot took me leg off at the knee."
"That's terrible!" Says the recruit. "How did you lose your hand?"

"Aye." Says the old man, "We were in a gale and I was tossed into the sea. A shark bit of me hand as I clung to a board, and that's how I got me hook."
"Alas!" Cried the recruit, "I can't imagine how you got your eye patch."
"Aye." Says the old man, "Twas a clear day and I look up to watch the clouds when a sea gull flies o're and sh&ts in me eye."
"Well that's terrible," says the recruit, "but surely sea gull cap doesn't blind you?"

"Nay." Says the old man, "But twas the first day with me hook."

Her: I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight all the time! I'm leaving!!!

He: You can't do that! What about our baby...!

Her: What baby????

He: Oh, I thought you were about to deliver...

Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.

My wife just told me sex is even better when on holiday.
Not the kind of postcard I was expecting.

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...
He refused to eat or drink anything.
He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own excrement.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

The Government in Egypt has instructed the cities taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their horns. It’s hoped that a return to familiar sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic. Operation ‘toot an calm em’ will last for a week...

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...
He refused to eat or drink anything.
He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own excrement.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

He deserves another 'chance'.

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.

It's (IMHO) probably the funniest and most clever series of puns in the history of TV comedy.

Anyone who hasn't seen it should watch this ...

 

 

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...
He refused to eat or drink anything.
He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own excrement.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My wife caught me cheating whilst playing Monopoly.

She dropped the dice and, when she bent down to pick it up, saw me fingering her sister under the table.

24 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

It's (IMHO) probably the funniest and most clever series of puns in the history of TV comedy.

Anyone who hasn't seen it should watch this ...

 

 

My hearing is not good; thus, I usually turn on the subtitles. The subtitles didn't help much on this one ????

6 minutes ago, farang51 said:

My hearing is not good; thus, I usually turn on the subtitles. The subtitles didn't help much on this one ????

The subtitles are even funnier than the audio.????

Gordon Ramsay's sibling has been in and out of prison, dealing drugs, violence, generally leading a rubbish life. But Gordon's an accomplished chef, celebrity status, huge mansions worldwide.

It just goes to show, you should never judge a cook by his brother.

So last night I murdered my girlfriend's cat in a drunken rage.

No more pussy for her either.

Just seen a sign: no dogs allowed(except for guide dogs)

I know they're clever, but I didn't know they could read.

How on Earth am I supposed to buy my son a pet when none of the girls in the pet shop will show me their puppies?

 

Watched that drama about Nilsen with David Tennant in the lead role. It was rubbish.

It never had any of his songs in it.

Researchers now believe that Shakespeare's sonnets are evidence that he was beyond doubt, bisexual.

Next week: Guy Gibson's dog was the first supporter of Black Lives Matter.

Doctors should not call overweight patients 'chubby' or 'plus-size' because it upsets them.

It's not like they don't have enough on their plate.