What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

What do you call a woman with a food mixer on her head?

 

Blenda.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

 

Cliff.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

 

To see his flatmate.

15 minutes ago, faraday said:

What do you call a woman with a food mixer on her head?

 

Blenda.

Does anybody know where the groan emoji can be found?

11 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin.

Nice girl, but a bit highly strung.

I think I knew her ugly sister - she was vile.

a quick fix! 

 

 

 

 

 

17 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

A load of B*lls! I think.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the farm, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

Bomoh Consultancy

A man with problems in his family life decided to go home and consult a Bomoh ( mystic ).The Bomoh told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sample of sand from his yard.

So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand. 

 

The Bomoh performed his rituals and said to the man....I don't know if you can handle hearing this. The man said go ahead. I want to hear it.  

 

The Bomoh said the two boys you have are not your sons, your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant from your younger brother. 

 

The man started laughing. The Bomoh asked him why he was laughing, after all these bad news. 

 

The man responded, I don't know if you can handle this. The Bomoh said go ahead.

The man said, I was running late and I forgot to bring the sand sample from my yard, so I dug out some from your compound. 

 

The  Bomoh fainted.
 

My local barber got arrested for drug dealing.
I've been going to him for years. I never knew he was a barber.

My boss is threatening to sack the employee who has the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.