... put me down too!

The kids keep laughing at my failing memory, but they won't be laughing at Christmas when there's no eggs under the bonfire.

A man in our village has been going around threatening people with a lit match.
Police are keen to catch him before he strikes again.

Brian receives a text message from his neighbour, Dave.
"I'm sorry Brian, I have a confession to make, I've been tapping your wife for the last 6 months. I feel bad but I'm just been getting any at home. I promise I'll stop from now on."
Without hesitation Brian grabs his gun from the wardrobe, goes downstairs and shoots his wife in the head, killing her instantly."
A second text from Dave arrives.
"Damned autocorrect. I meant wifi!"

I'm in dispute with True Vision at the minute as they're trying to charge me for my satellite dish.
I'm sure they told me it would be on the house.

9 hours ago, jak2002003 said:

Oooooow......careful now...that night be seen as raciest by some people..????

Surely you mean "speciest". ????

Johnny looked around the church and turned to his best man, saying,

"You know Jack, apart from my wife-to-be and her two sisters, there's not a woman in this church that I haven't had." 
Jack replied,

 

"Well, in that case, between the two of us we've had them all." 
 

A frustrated old spinster had read in a woman's magazine that the bigger the man's feet, the bigger his todger.

This piece of information was still in her mind when two days later a tramp came to the door with the biggest shoes she had ever seen.

Quick as a flash, she invited him in and proceeded to wine and dine him before taking him up to bed.

The next day as he was leaving she shouted at him crossly,

 

"Next time, wear shoes that fit you." 
 

The starry-eyed young redneck was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancee. 
Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, 
"I can't believe you really want to marry her, you must know she's been scr*wed by every able bodied man in town." 
The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, 

"Okay, but this isn't really such a big town." 
 

 BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT HIT!

 

NO SHOCKS THERE THEN!

 

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. !!

I was at my granddaughter’s place the other day and I asked her if she had a Yellow Pages. She handed me her iPhone and said “get with the times Granddad”
Well I killed the spider, but the phone was completely <deleted>.

I got my exam results back.

I was amazed to see I got a C in Latin. I thought I'd done quite well, but didn't think I'd get 100%.

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue, and shat on the carpet."