29 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

The long-awaited sequel Pooping Pussies is now also available at your local Adult Book Store. ????

•    Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!
•    How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.
•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
•    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
•    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.
•    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
•    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
•    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
•    This girl said  she recognised  me from the vegetarian  club, but I'd never met herbivore.
•    When chemists die, they barium.
•    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can't put it down.
•    I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words.
•    I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
•    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
•    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
•    Broken pencils are pointless.
•    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
•    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
•    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
•    Velcro - what a rip off!

.

Murphy's Laws. 

4 minutes ago, teacherclaire said:

Murphy's Laws. 

Not a problem, just needs a few sacks on the hood.

1 minute ago, farang51 said:

Not a problem, just needs a few sacks on the hood.

Or a supersized driver? 

30 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

I almost lost my lunch................

.

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                                               < D E L E T E D>

4 hours ago, teacherclaire said:

Murphy's Laws. 

Just a tad overloaded perhaps.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new <deleted>***ing boat."

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”
He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)
He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

 

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But', replies the man, 'what if I show you something truly incredible - something you've never seen before'. Curious at the originality of the offer the maitre d' agrees, at which point the homeless man pulls out a tiny hamster and a miniature piano and places them on his hand. At a nod the hamster sits at the instrument and starts to play. Amazed, and being a man of his word, the maitre d' ushers the homeless man inside and takes his order.

 

Half way through the meal the homeless man beckons the maitre d' over and says 'this food is delicious, but what would go really well with it would be a bottle of wine - would you indulge me if I were to show you another truly incredible spectacle?'. Assured of the man's ability to produce the remarkable the maitre d' agrees and the homeless man pulls out the hamster and piano from one pocket and from the other a small frog. The hamster sits at the piano and starts up a tune, at which point the frog bursts into song.

 

The performance lasts a few minutes and by the end the maitre d' is rushing off to grab the most expensive bottle he can find for the homeless man. While he is away from the table a rich businessman leans over and says to the homeless man 'That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen! I'll give you £100,000 for the pair of them'. The homeless man furrows his brow in thought and though he looks tempted he eventually says to the businessman 'I'm sorry, that's a lot of money but these amazing creatures are my livelihood - I simply can't part with them'. Not to be deterred the businessman replies 'Okay I understand - but what about £200,000 for just the frog?' Considering the offer the homeless man agrees, they make the exchange and the businessman leaves. Upon returning to the table and hearing of the deal the maitre d' is incredulous. 'Why did you make this deal sir? A talking frog is totally unheard of - you could have made millions from it! What on earth compelled you to part with it. Finishing his meal the homeless man stands up and says to the maître d' -

 

'Oh don't worry, the hamster's a ventriloquist and I've got dozens of frogs in my pond at home!'

A young couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefaced.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.

 

 

"We're not welcome at Home Depot either. "

6 hours ago, ravip said:

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new <deleted>***ing boat."

Reminds me of a boat trip off Koh Jum once, had to do exactly that combined with baling out Lol