I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Doctors will try and remove the glass later today.
 

.

.

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer"

"Nah, we don't like that British <deleted>," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive."

A few thoughts on us Retirees
-------------------------

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

 

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount. in the home country

 

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

 

 Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath - throw the washing in...
However, the bloke at the next table said "My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
Talk about embarrassment!  So, to ease the tension, I said "Sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock"

A man was sitting reading the paper when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket', the wife replied.

'Well", said the man, when I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit him again.

'Your horse just phoned'

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

 

I ate a salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes.

Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce.

And cheese.

FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

 

How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat

 

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

 

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

 

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live much longer than men who mention it.

 

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

 

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

 

Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony, Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
'Why bother', His companion replied, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.