What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.

a lot of folk are wondering why...

 

 

how did you find your... 

 

 

Tired Lawyer
-------------------------

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get  a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at  midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

 

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed,

 

"for the love of god, woman, don't you ever stop nagging?"

All too true, like.

 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini".

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sarah Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

"No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

15 hours ago, roo860 said:

 

My vote for the worst of the Worst of 2019. Not even a joke just a stupid video and not even YouTube.

What next? Emergency services lifting a moose out of a windsheild ?

.

Almost certainly posted before, but the oldies are the goodies and it deserves another outing.

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!"
"We missed the R!"
"We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the head monk, "What's wrong, father?"

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, "The word is celebrate!"

 

5 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

 

My vote for the worst of the Worst of 2019. Not even a joke just a stupid video and not even YouTube.

What next? Emergency services lifting a moose out of a windsheild ?

 

Feel free to post your own jokes then.