.

A man goes into the confessional and says. 
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday, I cursed badly, using the F-word.” 
“Why was that?” asked the priest. 
“I was playing a round of golf, all was going well until I reached the 10th hole when my T-shot ended up in thick undergrowth.” 
“Is that when you said the F-word?” 
“No, I stayed calm, took my time and hit a clean shot out of the rough, down the fairway but at the last moment it hit a small branch and veered off into the bunker.” 
“I like a game of golf myself” said the priest “that really is so annoying, was that when you used the F-word?” 
“No, I tried not to let it get to me. I took my time and hit a beautiful ball up onto the green only 2 inches from the hole.” 
“How frustrating, is that when you used the F-word?” 
“No Father, I still remained calm…” 
“Don’t tell me!” interrupted the priest,

 

“You didn’t miss the F-word  putt!!” 

A man rings up his boss to tell him he won’t be in to work. 
“I’m sorry, I’m sick,” he tells him. 
“Sick again?” says the boss angrily “This seems to be happening a lot. How sick are you?” 
“Pretty sick” replies the man. “I’m in bed with my mother and my sister.” 
 

“Darling,” said his wife, “if I died before you, do you think you would get married again?” 
“Maybe,” he replied. 
“And would you do all the little things we did together.” 
“Maybe.” 
“Would you give her my special golf clubs?” 

“Oh no, she’s right handed.” 
 

“Doctor,” asked the young pregnant woman. “My baby’s due any day, can you recommend the best position for delivering it?” 
“Well, Mrs Goodly, the position most women choose is exactly the same position as when they conceived.” 
“Oh no! For me that’s the 23.50 train from Aberdeen to Penzance.” 
 

11 minutes ago, fangless said:

Fully erect ??

is what she actually said !!

Just now, Andrew Dwyer said:

Fully erect ??

is what she actually said !!

I think she was describing the occupant and not the tent. Or to put it another way she was discussing the insert (or lack thereof) and not the container!

.Dr Jones was getting on in years and was prone to mixing up his

two part time jobs.

 

.

Current Sunday Times Bestsellers List

How many can you tick off ?

.

.

 

 

do they allow Loud Laughing in Hawaii?

 

 

 - or just a Low Ha??

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'? 

I said: 'What for, Officer?'

He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I hurt my back the other day.

I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Two elderly ladies, Mildred and Agatha, were waiting for a bus.......
Mildred was smoking, and it started to rain.......She reached into her hand bag and slid a condom over her cigarette.......
" What da hell is dem things Mildred "
" Agatha they are a new invention called condoms, if ever you light up a smoke and it starts to rain, you can slip one over your fag so it does not get wet ".....
Agatha, who was also a smoker popped into the nearby pharmacy...
" Scuse me Miss, but i would like a packet of them condoms "
The shop girl burst into laughter, seeing that Agatha was well over 80...
In between stifled giggles she responded .." Yes Madam, and what size would you like "....????
" I aint real sure missy, but they need to be big enough to fit a Camel 

The shop assistant fainted......