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The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines
The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

On 2/16/2021 at 9:57 AM, VocalNeal said:

 

Whatever happened to the maxim: a woman's posterior should be no wider than her shoulders?

its not a woman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his bloody widow..."

40 minutes ago, Pilotman said:

its not a woman

The Shadow Knows.....

 

 

 

 

 

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On 2/16/2021 at 5:41 PM, roo860 said:

well if they were paddle boats out on the river, they would be seen as actually 'streaming' 

During World War Two, German soldiers were rampaging through French villages, seizing food, wine and women. In one village, everybody fled in advance except for a young man and his ninety-two-year-old grandmother who refused to be driven out by the Germans. When the German tanks rumbled into the near-deserted village, the soldiers cornered the young man.

‘Bring us food!’ they ordered.

‘All I have left is a loaf of bread,’ he replied meekly.

‘War is war,’ said the soldiers, and they forced him to hand over the last crumbs of bread.

 

Then they yelled: ‘Bring us wine!’

‘All I have left is less than half a bottle,’ said the young man.

‘War is war,’ insisted the soldiers, and they made him hand over the remainder of the bottle of wine.

 

Then the soldiers shouted: ‘Bring us a woman!’

‘But there is only one woman left in the village,’ protested the young man.

‘War is war,’ barked the soldiers.

So the young man fetched his ninety-two-year-old grandmother.

The German soldiers took one look at her and said: ‘Uh, perhaps we will let you off this time.’

 

‘No way,’ said Grandma. ‘War is war.’
 

One day, the Lord said to Adam: ‘It’s time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating Earth, so I want you to kiss her.’

‘Yes, Lord,’ said Adam, ‘but what is a kiss?’

So the Lord gave a brief description of a kiss to Adam who took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said: ‘Thank you, Lord. That was most enjoyable.’

 

‘I thought you might like it,’ said the Lord, ‘so now I want you to caress Eve.’

‘Certainly, Lord,’ replied Adam. ‘But what is a caress?’

Again the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who went back behind the bush with Eve. Fifteen minutes later, Adam returned smiling: ‘Thank you, Lord. That was even better than the kiss.’

 

‘Good,’ said the Lord. ‘You have done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.’

Adam asked: ‘What is “make love”, Lord?’

So the Lord gave Adam directions, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. This time he reappeared just a few seconds later and asked:

 

‘Lord, what is a headache?’
 

Tip of the day One;

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.

Tip of the day Two;
How to appear to be a wimp and keep harmony in the household;

 

Wife: I am not talking to you.
Husband: OK
Wife: Don’t you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision!

 

PS;  They also seem to be very dear fridges!

3 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

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This may be a bit tongue in cheek but blow me, I didn't see that coming near us soon. With the obvious inflation involved does anyone know how much deposit is required and is there a signed contract/T&C's or is a hand shake sufficient to consummate the deal if it is a sole account?  In the same vein are joint accounts just by word of mouth or all up in the air at the moment.

 

 

 

 

A man went into a library and asked where he could find books on suicide.

‘Second shelf on the right,’ replied the librarian.

‘But I’ve already looked in that section,’ said the man, ‘and it’s empty.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ said the librarian. ‘They don’t often bring them back.’
 

A man went into a bookshop and asked the woman behind the counter: ‘Do you keep stationery here?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘Sometimes I wriggle about a bit.’
 

A man went into a bookshop and asked the sales assistant: ‘Where’s the self-help section?’

She said: ‘If I told you, it would defeat the purpose.’
 

A man walked into a bookshop and said: ‘I’d like to buy a book by Shakespeare.’

‘Yes, sir,’ replied the sales assistant. ‘Which one?’

‘William, of course,’ said the man.
 

3 hours ago, Pilotman said:

its not a woman

 

That was the intent but actually the appendage is a shadow of her arm.

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

I always look for higher things!

But then I don't give a duck!