Latest Covid test.

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

 

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

*Fight between husband and wife. Instead of shouting, abusing or resorting towards physical force... they exchange poems with each other.

             *WIFE*
I wrote your name on sand it got washed... 
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. 
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. 

          *HUSBAND*
God saw me hungry, he created pizza. 
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. 
He saw me in the dark, he created light. 
He saw me without problems, he created YOU. 

                 *WIFE*
Twinkle twinkle little star 
You should know what you are 
And once you know what you are 
Mental hospital is not so far! 

             *HUSBAND*
The rain makes all things beautiful. 
The grass and flowers too. 
If rain makes all things beautiful 
Why doesn't it rain on you? 

               *WIFE* 
Roses are red; Violets are blue 
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
                               
            *Husband*
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too 
Not in a cage but laughing at you!

 

Consider the humble shovel.

It really was a ground-breaking invention.

 

 

A bloke rang me up the other night and said "I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!"

I tried to tell him that he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.

2 hours ago, ravip said:

*Fight between husband and wife. Instead of shouting, abusing or resorting towards physical force... they exchange poems with each other.

             *WIFE*
I wrote your name on sand it got washed... 
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. 
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. 

          *HUSBAND*
God saw me hungry, he created pizza. 
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. 
He saw me in the dark, he created light. 
He saw me without problems, he created YOU. 

                 *WIFE*
Twinkle twinkle little star 
You should know what you are 
And once you know what you are 
Mental hospital is not so far! 

             *HUSBAND*
The rain makes all things beautiful. 
The grass and flowers too. 
If rain makes all things beautiful 
Why doesn't it rain on you? 

               *WIFE* 
Roses are red; Violets are blue 
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
                               
            *Husband*
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too 
Not in a cage but laughing at you!

 

First postcard from him to her after they split up.

 

Weather here,

Wish you were lovely.

1 minute ago, roo860 said:

That just doesn't add up.

The first rule of passive aggressive fight club is...

Actually don’t worry about it, it’s fine...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

...oof !!

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Consider the humble shovel.

It really was a ground-breaking invention.

 

 

I really must hand it to you as you seem to be able to dig these gems up from nowhere and keep raking around for more.

As the new office manager walked into the building, he noticed a youth sitting down on a stool, reading a magazine.

"Hey, you," he called, throwing him £200. "That's a week's wages, pack up and get out immediately... and don't come back."

As the astonished boy left the site, the boss turned to the under-manager and said, "That's the way to treat idle beggers like that, just get rid of them on the spot. So how long had he been working here?"

"He hadn't," replied his assistant.

 

"He just popped in to deliver lunch from the deli, and he was waiting for his change."
 

A local crop dealer is on his way to visit a farm out in the middle of nowhere. It's a long distance to travel, so he puts his foot down and is going at 60mph when he's passed by a three-legged chicken that soon disappears into the distance. He gets to the farm, carries out his business when he suddenly remembers the chicken and asks the farmer about it.

"Oh, yes, that's probably one of our three-legged chickens. We created raised them ourselves.

You see, there's me, my wife and our John and we all like the legs but it was a waste when we had to kill two chickens for our Sunday lunch."

"And are they tasty?" asked the crop dealer.

"I don't know, we haven't caught one of the beggers yet!"
 

"Dad," said the young teenager, pointing to the condoms at the chemist's,

"why do they come in different amounts?"

"Well, son," replied his dad, "the pack of three is for the lad who gets lucky at the weekends when he goes out clubbing. One for Friday and two for Saturday. Now the pack of six is for the experienced young bachelor who has a date nearly every day of the week. And finally, the pack of 12 is for the married man. One for January, one for February, one for March..."