More classic Far Side.

 

12 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Should have been a breeze to write the thing at first!

But then Blowhards always puff up their first outputs.

How are marriage and a hurricane similar?

In the beginning there's lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.  

 

Or

 

One day it is wet and exciting and the next day your house is gone.

 

 

 

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

More classic Far Side.

 

Or as a friend of mine used to say, "I keep mountain goats."

He used to get some stares.

 

Nothing like a tidy kitchen.

What do you call a Spanish pastry chef with a leg missing?

Juan Choux.

"You have been brought before this court to answer the allegation that you stole a young woman's bicycle. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, Your Honour," said the young man. "I was walking down the lane when this lady cycled by, stopped when she saw me and asked me to kiss her.

Then she took all her clothes off and said I could have anything I wanted. Well, Your Honour, I don't wear ladies' clothes, so I took the bicycle."
 

 

A man walked into a restaurant and asked the waiter for a bowl of chilli.

"I'm sorry, sir, we've run out," replied the waiter. "The customer on the next table had the last helping."

Disappointed, the man ordered a coffee only and as he sat drinking it, he noticed the man on the next table had not touched his chili but was eating a steak instead. So he leaned over and said, "Excuse me, are you going to eat that chili?"

"No, mate," came the reply, "you're welcome to have it."

Delighted, the man tucked into his chili and had eaten half of it when he noticed a severed rat lying on the bottom of the bowl. Shocked at the disgusting sight, he retched and puked up the chili he'd eaten back into the bowl.

At this, he turned to the man on the next table to apologise when the man said to him, "Yeah, no need to apologise that's what I did too when I saw the rat."

 

 

 

 

After a wild party the night before, both husband and wife woke up with dreadful hangovers.

"Last night in the garden, was it you I made love to?" asked the befuddled husband.

"I don't know," replied the wife. "What time was that about?"
 

Finding himself lost, a motorist stops to ask a farmer for directions and as they are talking he notices a pig with a wooden leg.

"Why's that pig got a wooden leg?" he asks.

"Oh, that pig is a real hero. Some months ago our barn caught alight and if that pig hadn't alerted us, we'd have lost all our horses."

"Very good," replies the motorist, "but why has he got a wooden leg?"

"And not long after that I fell into a fast-flowing river and he saved my life by running for help."

"Yes, I see, but that still doesn't explain why he's got a wooden leg."

 

"Oh, come on, sir, a pig like that, you don't eat him all in one go."
 

I've just got a job in a factory making plastic draculas.

As there are only two of us I have to make every second count.

Pray for my Mother-In-Law She's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.
Luckily she wasn't stung... I was too quick with the spade.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

My wife said it's either her or the dog...

So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath, or my beloved canine.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81?

He said "No".

I've got some racing geese for sale.

They're available for viewing, so let me know if you want a quick gander.