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Bert, being a kindly soul….…let’s the little Muslim girl finish the laundry before firing both of the drone’s hellfire missiles.

My friends want to show me films of their baby’s birth.

No, thank you.

But I’ll look at a video of the conception, if you’ve got one.

I went to the bar to have a few drinks.

The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”

I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

It’s so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals.

They have pride of lions,

school of fish,

rack of lamb . . .

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed.

So I shouted,

“Get off of me, you two!”

I tried to give blood the other day.

The blood bank refused to take it because I wouldn’t tell them where I got it from.

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1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

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Don't mention the football!

A frustrated customer calls tech support with a very tricky problem.
She cannot print blue. All the other colors print fine, except blue, which is very unusual.
The tech support person on the other end tries everything he can think of to help the customer. He asks her to reinstall the program, to reboot the computer, to turn the printer on and off.

None of it helps.

   Finally, after hours of troubleshooting, he asks the customer if he can come by and try to resolve the problem in person. When he finally gets to her house and she shows him her computer and the printer, he instantly understands what the problem is and tells her,

 

“From now on, print on white paper instead of blue!” 

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo, and he figures he’ll try to earn some money performing. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him ? into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular  attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that l attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning the mime puts on a gorilla suit and enters the cage
I before the crowd arrives. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play, and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. 
However, eventually the crowds tire of nim and he gets bored with swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a divider, and dangles from the top of the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

This goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and the mime’s salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day while he is s dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. 
The mime is terrified. The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling "Help me! Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back, looking up at the angry lion, who growls, 

 

"Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

Family portrait...

 

My local green grocer has won a contract to supply root vegetables to the South African rugby team...

 

I thought ‘That’s a turnip for the Boks.’