Thought this looked worth checking out !!






Well disappointed ☹️

Could have been worse I suppose !!

Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol? Geri can.
How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.
Did you hear about the man who was sacked from the calendar factory? He took a couple of days off.
What do you call a Mexican whose vehicle has been stolen? Carlos.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs. Still no idea.
 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body 
part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be 
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and 
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part 
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is 
she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part 
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.  "As 
for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 

Two sailors see an enormous hand come out of the sea. It moves all the way over to one side, then all the way over to the other. One sailor says to the other: ‘Wow, did you see the size of that wave?’

 

Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier.

 

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked. Clever clogs.
 
A dad is washing his car with his son. The son says: ‘Dad, can’t you use a sponge like everyone else?’
 
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

 

My dog can do magic tricks. He’s a Labracadabrador.

 

Two cats swam the English Channel. They were called One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. Which cat won? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

This obviously does apply to anyone on this forum!

“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”

 

“I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.”

 

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” 

 

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”

 

“Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.”

Two days ago, my best friend Peter ran off with my wife.”

“Oh no, how long have you been best friends?”

“About 48 hours.”

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?

FORE!

 

Why did the golfer need new socks?

Because there was a hole in one.

(Stop groaning - this is the worst joke ever thread, right!)

 

Where do ghosts play golf?

On a golf corpse.

 

Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing.

(I can hear you all crying - “Aah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaaah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaah!” - it's no good, I will carry on with the lame jokes).

 

What do golf and sex have in common?

They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.

 

Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.

Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?

 

Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!

Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?

(That one even made me groan too).

 

Golf balls are like eggs…

They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

 

What’s the easiest shot in golf?

Your fourth putt.

(All golfers know this to be true - but not at all funny).

Ai accidentally handed superglue instead of lipstick to my wife
She still isn’t talking to me !


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

Seems like the uk are not taking the current hot spell very seriously !!

Yup!!

They could say “ when was the last time you got your end away ?? “

Say no more !!

On 7/20/2019 at 2:40 AM, bluesofa said:

You're just under-tall for your weight.

I however, am in perfect shape.

After all "round" is a shape.......isn't it? ????

Up here for thinking down there for pedalling !!

22 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Come off it!  I thought she would have found that a hard story to swallow

A drunk staggers into church and wanders up the aisle moaning to himself. 
"Help me, help me, it's bloody agony." 
Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides he'd better find out if everything is alright so he says, "May I help you my son?" 
"I don't know" comes the reply, "it depends on whether you have any paper in there." 
 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. 
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! 

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a  McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly 
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" 

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size, not my bloody age!" 

The young priest was about to hear his first confession. 
Sitting further away was the old priest to keep an eye on him. 
After it was over, the young priest asked how he had done. 
"Not too bad," replied the old priest. "Just make sure you don't say really, never, Fantastic, how much,  and wow! so much in future. 
Stick to more tut tuts."