The Australian parachutist was distraught to find his parachute had failed to open and he was hurtling towards the ground at a fantastic rate. He was sure he was about to meet a sticky end. 
Suddenly, as he looked down he saw a group of men standing in a circle. They were shouting, "We'll catch you, don't worry, we'll catch you." 
The relief the man felt was unbelievable, until he looked again at the group and realised they were the English cricket team as he creased up on his crash landing and was knocked out for six. 

Three sisters, named Flora, Fiona and Fanny lived in the same village in Yorkshire and were renowned for their beauty, although all of them had extra large feet.

One evening, Flora and Fiona went to the next local village bop and were soon chatting to two young lads from the next village. 
"By gum," said one of the lads. "Haven't you two got big feet!" 
"Oh that's nought" they replied. "You should see our Fanny's." 

Three women met up for tea and couldn't help but boast about their husbands. "Well of course, my husband is now a high court judge. It was expected. He's had a brilliant career," said the first. 
"My Gerald runs the Foreign Office," said the second. 
"Now my husband, Martell..." 
"Wait a minute," interrupted the first lady, "isn't Martell a liquor?" 
The third lady was amazed. "How did you know, where did you met him?" 

Looking at the photo I would think it would take her a while just to get the gun out of its holster ready to fire as the gun and holster are higher up that her elbow.

Yup, Quick Draw McGraw she ain’t !!

This guy doesn’t shake it he taps it with his foot !!

The Donald’s been overdoing it with the sunbed recently !!

Don’t beat about the bush !!
Tell it as it is !!

At least 3 !!

Three new Thai immigrants opened a driving school in Canada.

A

2 hours ago, Rotweiler said:

Three new Thai immigrants opened a driving school in Canada.

And in a related story 4 Cambodians just opened up a successful private ambulance service in California . Two vehicles run a few  minutes apart. The second one picks up the first ones casualties along the way.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

Made that joke up above years ago out of frustration. ...Haven't been there in a while so things might have changed.

Their driving was one of my main complaints. [American Not British lane usage].( Example: 4 lanes of traffic) ,Right turn from the left lane no signal. ....missed your turn? Just U-turn into your own  lane and pull onto the restaurant sidewalk then back out into traffic and dare them to hit you when you're ready to leave.......Fines for using your headlights in the day time.....   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Rotweiler said:

Three new Thai immigrants opened a driving school in Canada.

Richmond B.C.

 

Q. How do you make a Chinaman blind?

 

A. Put a windshield in front of his face.

-----------------

Q. Name the river that separates the China from India?

 

A. The Fraser. 

 

A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt. 
They decide to look and discover he's stark naked. 
"We really ought to leave him a record of our visit," one says to the other, so giggling with delight they tie a blue ribbon round his willy before moving on. Finally the Scotsman comes round and staggers behind a bush bursting for a pee. 
When he sees the ribbon he smiles and says to it
"I don't know where or what you've been up to, but I see you've won first prize!" 
 

The milk lorry is just leaving the farmyard when it runs over and kills the prize rooster. Upset at what he'd done, the driver seeks out the farmer's wife to tell her what has happened. 
"I'm really sorry Madam, I didn't see your rooster until it was too late, but I'd like to replace it." 
"Well that's OK with me," she replied. "You'll find the chickens round the back." 
 

Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money. 
"You know, Lauren, I've discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn't have enough money to buy a new bra so he's increased my housekeeping. You ought to try it." 
The following week, the two women met up for another chat and Lauren was asked if she had taken her friend's advice. 
"Oh, it was a disaster," exclaimed Lauren. "We were just about to go down the bingo when I lifted my skirt and told my husband I had no knickers on because I couldn't afford to buy any. The old skinflint, he threw me a quid and told me to buy a comb. At least you can look tidy, he said." 
 

My mobile holder for the car broke [emoji20], luckily I came up with an ingenious solution !!