2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Buzz off!

4 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

wine,boobs,new car.

 A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on his wife’s movements.

The husband demanded more than just a written report - he wanted a video of his wife’s activities. 
 A week later, the detective returned with a tape and sat down to watch it with the husband.

As the tape played, he saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor café. He saw them having a playful fight in the street. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. 

 When the tape ended, the distraught husband said:

‘I can’t believe this!’ 
 ‘What’s not to believe?’ asked the detective.

‘It’s right up there on the screen. The camera never lies.’ 
 The husband replied:

 

‘What I mean is, I can’t believe my wife is so much fun!’ 
 

 After a heavy day’s drinking in a bar, a tramp fell asleep on a park bench as night closed in. But no sooner had he dozed off than a passer-by, spotting the watch on his wrist, tapped him on the shoulder and asked him for the time. 
 Roused from his slumbers, the tramp grumpily replied, ‘11.30’ and went back to sleep. 
 A few minutes later, another passer-by prodded the tramp and asked him the time. ‘11.34,’ said the tramp irritably and settled back down to sleep. 
 He had barely shut his eyes before another pedestrian woke him to ask the time. ‘11.39,’ muttered the tramp wearily. 
 When another three people stopped to ask him the time in the space of ten minutes, the tramp could take no more. So he took a piece of card, wrote on it ‘I cannot tell the time and do not know what the time is now, and placed it where everyone passing the bench could read it. Then he removed his watch and dozed off to sleep.

Two minutes later, a man tapped him on the arm. 
 ‘What do you want?’ snapped the tramp. 

 The man said: ‘It’s a minute to twelve.’ 
 

 A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor.

He asked the recruits:

‘If the sergeant major sustained a head injury and was bleeding heavily, what would you do about it?’ 
 One soldier piped up: ‘I’d wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.’ 

 

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch, totally naked! Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother-in-law.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." said the daughter-in-law. "I'm wearing my "love dress".
"Love dress? But you're stark naked!!" said the mother-in-law. "My husband LOVES for me to wear this dress." she explained. "It excites him to no end! Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages my body for hours. He can't get enough of me."

So the mother-in-law leaves.

When she gets home, she goes and gets undressed, showers, puts on her favourite perfume.
She then dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and waits for her husband to arrive home. Finally, her husband comes home and sees her lying on the couch so provocatively.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?!?" he asks.
"This is my "love dress." she whispers in a sensual voice.

"Well...it looks like it needs ironing!" says the husband.
 

Thought for today!

Anyone who says it’s as easy as taking candy from a baby has never tried it.

What one woman says to her about to be ex:

'Do you want to be the sun in my life? Good, then stay 92, 935, 700 miles away from me :)''

 

 

 

And another put down;

 

She; "Are you air or water?"

He;   "Neither!"

She;  "Then I don't need you anywhere near my face!"
 

Chat-up Line:- I just popped a Viagra. So we’ve got about 30 minutes to get back to your place

Gosh.......Its Christmas jokes already..........

 

 In 2008, Vermont prison inmates were being used as labour to make decals for cop cars. They edited the design to hide a pig in the image. 30 cop cars drove around Vermont with the hidden pig for four years before it was discovered.