A frog is consulting a psychic, who tells him straight out, ‘Before long, you will meet an absolutely stunning woman who will want to know all there is to know about you.’
The frog, beside himself with glee, says,

‘That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?’

‘No,’ says the psychic.

 

‘Next term in her biology class.’
 

14 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Guaranteed to increase Christmas turnover - at Marston's, Mitchells & Butlers, and Stonegate Pubs.

Just spotted a Banksy down at the local community center.

19 hours ago, jvs said:

wine,boobs,new car.

And,

pussy   beach   money

Alfred Clampitt, a six foot 4 inch, hairy drunk who has halitosis, BO, dandruff, fleas and a nasty temper,

was named by police today as Britain's most unwanted man.

I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people…

That's the biggest number I've ever heard!

Bloke just knocked on my door.

I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall.

I said "who are you?"

he said "I'm the meter man.

Just renewed my car insurance and the woman said...

Before you go do you have any pets?

Me.. Yes I have a dog

Her.. Would you like to insure him?

Me... No he can't drive.

The cops were called to my little one's nursery this morning.

There was a 3 year old resisting a rest.

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big ar5e and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!!