A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Just my luck--a day after winning the Nigerian lottery, someone's robbed my bank account.

Last week was Thanksgiving day.
We all gave thanks that we're not American.

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when the bear attacked...
now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.

A bloke was rushed to A&E with a steam iron up his backside,
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

William Tell : Do you know where I can shoot at this apple?
Son : Not off the top of my head.

I woke up in the woodshed this morning. Slept like a log.

Just a quick heads-up,
Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards.

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

A bloke walks into a pub and orders six brandy’s., large ones. The landlord says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The chap says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The landlord says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The bloke says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The landlord says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The bloke says, "BAD DOG!"

A blonde was telling a priest an Irish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Irish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start again and talk slower?"

The owner of a small shop on the high street comes to work one day and notices the main display window has a crack in the corner. He phones the local glazier and they send round old Jim. Jim has been in the business since he was a boy, comes to work in dungarees and a flat cap, carries the tools of his trade in a canvas bag, real old fashioned craftsman type.

Anyway, Jim looks at the window and asks the shop owner if he wants the window replaced or just something done to stop it getting worse. The shop owner asks the costs of both options and decides to just have something done that will stop it getting worse rather than the cost of a whole new window.

So Jim goes into his canvas bag of tools and comes out with a little marker pencil. He carefully looks at the crack, and marks a point about an inch from the end. He then goes into his bag and pulls out a hand drill and a small diamond tipped bit, and proceeeds to drill a small hole where he had marked.

During all this, the young blonde female shop assistant had been watching intently. When Jim was finished she asked him what the hole was for. Jim explained that the crack would keep growing in the same direction until it reached the hole and then stop.

The shop assistants face suddenly lights up, "I knew there was a reason for my belly button...."

 a Plumber who works around the clock: 

 

5 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

 

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

A bloke was rushed to A&E with a steam iron up his backside,
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

Did you let off steam and get everything ironed out between you after that OK?
 

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

William Tell : Do you know where I can shoot at this apple?
Son : Not off the top of my head.

He said all a quiver before a parting of the ways!