On 11/24/2021 at 10:46 PM, sanuk711 said:

Warning---Don't deliver the Christmas greetings to early........

That guy is a nice guy, dumping a pitcher of water on the street folks. 
If it was my Grandpa, he would have dumped the <deleted> pot on em!

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

That is no way to describe a Nun. It is udderly unbelievable that a real 4 legged cow spoke to you!

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Amazing!

How does the guy in the middle get out, is he hedging his bets that no one will see him climbing over the other lot's allotments?

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

The "Fire in the Hole" option looks a bit explosive!

The other two I'll pass!

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Do you have any Tips on when to stir yourself to see it? 

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

No but she enjoys taking the P!ss out of sexist dicks!

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Be careful you may just get your comeuppance one day and it won't bring a smile to your lips!

????

3 hours ago, fangless said:

Are you saying that the fridge and the milk talk to each other or they talk to you?   

 

PS; How did you spoil the milk, did you give it too much cream for supper?

No.  The fridge didn't tell me the door was open and the milk spoiled.  
Then it pestered me to buy more milk. 
Damn thing is as bad as my wife with it's pestering me through the internet!
Now the fridge and I don't speak again this year. 
At least I speak with my wife. 
I try to stay on her good side.   
Wife and I had an argument one time.  She said the scariest thing anyone has ever told me.  
"I know where you sleep!" she said!!!  That argument ended right there. 
I stared at her, thinking about what she said and walked away!

 

On 11/29/2021 at 2:51 PM, fangless said:

If you had threatened me wi hoodies and Tall Boys, not heedies, I might have accepted that you were still slightly following the tailored thread of the earlier exchanges but I think you have got too hemmed into the violent aspect of the last few zippy thrusts and have gone off pattern!

In other words "Button it Jimmy".

????

A not so Scottish friend!

 

The Scot and the Foreigner
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The gamekeeper shouts, ‘Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s sh!te ’n’ p!sh.’
The man replies, ‘My good fellow, I’m English. Repeat that in the Queen's English my good man.’
The gamekeeper replies, ‘I said use both hands. You get more that way.’
 

 

 

 

Cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in a large IT company and are welcomed by the boss. ‘As part of our team, you can earn good money and eat at the canteen,’ he tells them. ‘So, no trouble.’
‘Yes, boss.’
Four weeks later, however, the boss is suddenly troubled. ‘You’ve all been great, but … one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know anything about that?’
‘No, boss.’
The very instant he has left, however, the cannibal chief leaps to his feet. ‘Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?’
One of the cannibals tremulously raises his hand …
‘You fool! For four weeks, we’ve been eating team leaders, consultants, managers and project coordinators and no one has noticed anything, and now you have to go and eat a cleaner!’
.
 

Two and Two
A crooked businessman is interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager was one of his shady companies and has devised a fail-safe test to select the most suitable person for the job. He simply asks each applicant the question ‘What is two and two?’.
The first interviewee is a journalist, whose answer is ‘twenty-two’.
The second applicant is an engineer. He pulls out a calculator and shows the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.
The next person is a lawyer. He states that in the case of Jenkins vs Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant is an accountant from Thailand. The businessman asks him, ‘How much is two and two?’
The Thai accountant gets up from his chair, goes over to the door, closes it and then comes back and sits down. He leans across the desk and says in a low, conspiratorial voice, ‘How much do you want it to be and how much you put in that brown envelope?’
He gets the job.
 

The Fisherman
On the shore of Phuket a raggedy Thai fisherman lies dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him, two fishing lines are stuck in the sand.
Up comes an American tourist. ‘What are you sleeping for?’ says the American. ‘You’d be better off staying awake and catching some fish.’
‘What for?’ asks the fisherman.
‘What do you mean “what for?”? You’d catch some fish, you’d sell them and with the money you’d buy yourself a trawler. The trawler would catch even more fish. You’d sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You’d catch still more fish. You’d sell it, then you’d build yourself a fish-processing factory … and get rich. And then you could lie on the beach and sleep!’
The fisherman pulls his hat even further down over his face and says, in a singularly condescending tone, ‘But that’s what I’m doing now.’

At the Hairdresser’s
A woman is at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome. She mentions the trip to the hairdresser, who responds, ‘Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?’
‘We’re taking Continental,’ is her reply. ‘We got a great rate!’
‘Continental?’ exclaims the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline.  So, where are you staying in Rome?’
‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.’
‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.’
‘We’re going to go to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.’
‘That’s rich,’ laughs the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’
A month later, the woman again comes in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asks her about her trip to Rome.
‘It was wonderful,’ explains the woman. ‘Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand-new planes, but it was also overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a five-million-dollar remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the Bridal Suite at no extra charge!’
‘Well,’ mutters the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.’
‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.’
‘Oh, really! What’d he say?’
He said, ‘Who stuffed up your hair?’

 

Chat-up Line:- Hey girl, I’m a fully-fledged meteorologist and something’s telling me that even though it’s not yet winter you’re in for a few inches tonight.

After the Scottish funeral everyone is at the pub for a drink and one of them asks another  I noticed everyone threw a handful of soil onto the coffin but you threw a small envelope. Was it a kind of private note between the two of you?

No, he says, it was a cheque for the £200 I owed him.

Scottish blood
An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the call went out around the world.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.

After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife,
and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

 

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery
procedure.
Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

 

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him:
"I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money,
but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied:

"Aye laddie, but I noo hae Scottish blood in ma veins."

Degrees of Difference
The graduate with a Science degree asks, ‘Why does it work?’
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, ‘How does it work?’
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, ‘How much will it cost?’
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, ‘Do you want fries with that?’
 

In 1936, Indian Chief Two Eagles is interviewed by a white US government official:

‘Oh, great chief, you have observed the white man for ninety years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and everything he’s done.’
The chief nods in agreement.

The official continues, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, how do you think the "White Man" has done?’

The chief stares at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replies,

‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, medicine-man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.’ Then the chief leans back and smiles,

 

‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’

The Escapee
A man escapes from prison, where he has been for fifteen years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, ‘Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict – look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey, I love you.’

To which the wife responds, ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom."

 

"So please be strong, honey. I love you too.’  

 

 

8 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Personally I would just "Dunk" it/him.

 

 

 

NB;  I hope that Citizens of the USA and the rest of the world will get the separate/relevant joke/pun

Christmas planning: