16 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

You must be expecting this response;

 

What about the FANGLESS!

Coronavirus alerts across the world;
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "<deleted> Off" to "Let's Get the <deleted>." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from "No worries" to "She'll be a'right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A Scotsman is on a weekend break in Holland and goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?'

'€100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?'

She says 'No!'

He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'.

She didn't even know what 'Scottish style' was, but again says, 'No',

He then offers her $300, but she declines his offer, so finally he says,

'Last chance. I'll gie ye €500 to go Scottish style wi' me!'

 

Finally she agrees, thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could 'Scottish style; be?'

 

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was really fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

 

The Scotsman replies, 'I'll pay ye next week'!
 

All in favour of making horse sounds say "aye"!
Opposed ?
 

Chat-up Line:- I’d love to see you wearing your birthday suit so I can light you up with my candle and blow each  other out!
 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

You’re a gross ignoramus - 144 times as dim as an ordinary ignoramus. 
 
 

9 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

People own dogs.

 

Cats own people.

8 hours ago, fangless said:

You must be expecting this response;

 

What about the FANGLESS!

One fang too many.

 

7 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

One fang too many.

 

Fangs for that. I just did not have time to get my teeth into extracting the offending digit!

 

 

 

5 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Oh yes they do especially when they are as modest and as well endowed as I am!