Do I tell my friend or not? Or best left unsaid.

[brianthainess]

I'm in a moral quandary, I will outline the situation as briefly as possible. My disabled mate, married a Thai, knowing he will need care, with worsening motor neuron disease, he was up front with her before getting married, all in her name, he brought a house, a car, furnished it, thinking he was settled. She borrowed money, without telling him, for, so he was told her dad's dialysis hospital bills. There was no way she could ever pay it back and won't tell him how much. So had to do a runner up north. He was left with no option but to go with her, leaving his house behind and now paying rent, she put it up for rent or sale. I have spoken to him a couple of times a week and he has never mentioned, the house was sold or rented out. I just did a drive by his house, signs for sale or rent no longer there. A car was parked inside, gate shut. Now do I phone him and tell or leave it. I just don't want to add to his problems. he only has a few years left, living on a meager pension. 

[ICELANDMAN]

If he moved home he knew it would be sold or rented, I don't see the problem.

[CharlieH]

I would ! Just say it in passing, oh I see the house is occuped now ?

 

It could be squatters for all you know and he' d appreciate the heads up.

[Hamus Yaigh]

17 minutes ago, brianthainess said:

My disabled mate,

He's your mate. Only you know how much information you can trust each other with. Most mates talk, its what mates are for.

[Adiudon]

He is your friend and only you and him know how close that friendship is, if you look at the friendship and imagine it being you in his position would you want to be told or left in the dark ?

 

[blackcab]

Personally I wouldn't tell him, unless you are close like brothers.

 

Most people don't appreciate their life crashing down around themselves, even if, deep down, they know it's happening.

[Bangel72]

Tough one, but if she has borrowed money to the extent of doing a runner its odds on she will take him for everything he has. Often borrowing is followed by borrowing from loan sharks to pay the original debt then when it gets too much they borrow more and gamble it believing its the only way to go. Even when debts are cleared they will still go to gamble now they have a habit. This may or may not be the case here, but they are probably better off out of the city.

 

Like other mentioned whats okay with them may be very different to what is okay with you, a lot of guys here tolerate a <deleted> load of stuff you would not expect, myself included. Its is partially self rationalised stupidity but often they balance things up and think, could be worse.

 

With your mate I would not speculate too much but you could mention you saw the house up for sale and check he is doing okay and ask if you can do anything to help, sometime just ranting to a good mate about all the <deleted> you have going on helps people feel better and put things into perspective. End of the day most people are dealing with a lot of <deleted> right now.

 

If he has ongoing pension or cheques coming in he will probably be kept okay but gut feel savings will go fast if she can access them, most expats I suspect have accounts offshore that the Thai mrs cannot access should worse come to worse, maybe he has to.

[Bangel72]

Always have a back up plan and an escape plan.

[Lacessit]

As CharlieH has said, mention it casually in conversation.

Early on in my relationship with my Thai GF, I told her you do not borrow money elsewhere for any reason.

She borrows from me very occasionally, but we both know it's a gift.

[Fat is a type of crazy]

I would just say 'By the way - what's happening with the house'. If his reaction indicates he could benefit from your news you could tell him. It sounds like he won't be surprised but better he knows as, given his health, he has to plan for the future.

[Kwasaki]

1 hour ago, brianthainess said:

I just did a drive by his house, signs for sale or rent no longer there. A car was parked inside, gate shut. Now do I phone him and tell or leave it. I just don't want to add to his problems. he only has a few years left, living on a meager pension. 

Maybe the people she owned money to have taken the house as payment because she may have use it as collateral to get the money. 

Maybe she doesn't want to them him that. 

Personally I let it be because if you say something it might cause her to get up and leave him,  you wouldn't want that on your conscience.

[brianthainess]

2 hours ago, Bangel72 said:

Always have a back up plan and an escape plan.

A lot easier when you are not reliant on someone to wash and dress you.

 

3 hours ago, ICELANDMAN said:

If he moved home he knew it would be sold or rented, I don't see the problem.

At the time he didn't know it was me who told him, I knew he was away and stopped to drop off a gift in post box, it came as a complete surprise to him, and me to find out he was not coming back.

 

2 hours ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

I would just say 'By the way - what's happening with the house'. If his reaction indicates he could benefit from your news you could tell him. It sounds like he won't be surprised but better he knows as, given his health, he has to plan for the future.

Thanks I hadn't really thought it through at the time, but now i know that's the obvious answer. his house is a 5hr drive away from mine, I'm only away myself on a jolly just thought I'd check it on passing. Thanks all for positive answers.

[Card]

15 hours ago, brianthainess said:

A lot easier when you are not reliant on someone to wash and dress you.

 

At the time he didn't know it was me who told him, I knew he was away and stopped to drop off a gift in post box, it came as a complete surprise to him, and me to find out he was not coming back.

 

Thanks I hadn't really thought it through at the time, but now i know that's the obvious answer. his house is a 5hr drive away from mine, I'm only away myself on a jolly just thought I'd check it on passing. Thanks all for positive answers.

Keep in mind that the wife may desert him when the money runs out, in which case he is left with no wife to take care of him (would her type do that anyway?), and no money for hospital or nursing care. Personally, I would tell him straight.

[brianthainess]

On 12/4/2020 at 5:23 PM, brianthainess said:

  17 hours ago, Fat is a type of crazy said:

I would just say 'By the way - what's happening with the house'. If his reaction indicates he could benefit from your news you could tell him. It sounds like he won't be surprised but better he knows as, given his health, he has to plan for the future.

Yeh well, i bit the bullet and last night rang him, and asked about his house, as far as he knew it was not rented out, so after hesitation i told him and he thanked me. he is fully aware that i would go pick him up and bring him back to mine. My wife is a very caring person, and loves him like i do, she has many friends and i'm confident we could find a career for him, my friends are his friends too always asking me how he's doing. His biggest problem would his marriage extension coz if he left there is no way she would help with his next extension, his wife has also managed to deplete a lot of that money needed on promises of paying it back.

[ChipButty]

At least he's still alive people have been bumped off for less

[ChakaKhan]

Bros b4 Hos......please refer the the Guy Code Handbook

[CrunchWrapSupreme]

My wife and I are the same age. I had a friend who balked at this idea, he liked 'em much younger.

 

Other than the obvious reasons, he had a rational explanation for this, "so they can take care of you in your old age." I can't believe he seriously believed that. Tales abound of how that turns out.

 

Sorry for your friend.

[Guderian]

20 hours ago, brianthainess said:

Now do I phone him and tell or leave it.

 

I'd tell him, you say that he's only got a meagre pension to live on while his wife seems to have pocketed millions from the house sale. He can decide if and how he wants to broach the matter with his wife, but it's only fair to your friend to let him know that he might not be nearly as poor as he thinks he is. I know it adds to his worries, but as you say he's only got a few years left, surely it's better if he spends them in reasonable comfort using some of the proceeds from the house sale than living in a fake, wife-induced penury until he's on his death bed. Of course, the wife might not see things that way, but that's not your problem, only he knows how far he can push matters with her.

[4MyEgo]

20 hours ago, brianthainess said:

My disabled mate, married a Thai, knowing he will need care, with worsening motor neuron disease, he was up front with her before getting married, all in her name, he brought a house, a car, furnished it, thinking he was settled.

 

All of us, me included take a gamble when we do this, so as they saying goes, never invest more than 10% of your worth, if everyone followed this saying, everyone will rebound real quick. That said, sounds like he has gone all in ????

 

20 hours ago, brianthainess said:

She borrowed money, without telling him, for, so he was told her dad's dialysis hospital bills.

 

Even though the house is in her name, she has shown him her true colours by not discussing the matter with him before borrowing the money against the house, recipe for disaster sorry to say, she is only with him for what she can get IMO.

 

20 hours ago, brianthainess said:

There was no way she could ever pay it back and won't tell him how much. So had to do a runner up north. He was left with no option but to go with her, leaving his house behind and now paying rent, she put it up for rent or sale.

 

You say leaving "his" house behind which technically is incorrect as you know, it's hers from the day he purchased it or built it, that said, I would imagine whoever she borrowed money from would be looking to take some kind of legal action to recoup their funds lent to her, maybe putting a caveat on the property so as to stop her from selling it unless they get their money back with interest, and depending if anything was in writing which I would imagine would be. It would more than likely be that she is collecting rent in the interim and pocketing it while he forks out money on rent for this new place, whereas she should be paying for the rent from the rental proceeds from the house IMO.

 

20 hours ago, brianthainess said:

I have spoken to him a couple of times a week and he has never mentioned, the house was sold or rented out. I just did a drive by his house, signs for sale or rent no longer there.

 

I know your trying to look after his interests, but as others have said, it's a grey area, does he really want to know, i.e. I know a bloke who is married with kids, his last is not his, stands out like dogs balls, he knows it, wife disappears for 3 days in a row while he is at home looking after the kids, and he accepts her excuses every time, I go work, make money honey, have expenses, even though he has a good pension. 

 

I have been known to stir the hornets nest with some xpats I drink with over the past, some returning to their homelands after it all went up the creek, but not before I opened I put in my two bobs worth, ah...........the power of the pussy.

 

Since your asking, I would do this; next time your visiting, make sure she is present and say, hey I drove past your place the other day and saw the for sale and for rent signs are gone, did you sell it or rent it and look her straight in the eye when asking, if she doesn't give you an answer ask your mate, and say just curious, after all, just wanting to know if your ever going to move back there or if your done and dusted, you know it's a lot of money to reinvest if you sold it....worst case scenario, you would have stuck it in her in front of him, but maybe also letting him know he is being fleeced, if neither of them give you an answer then you know your time with them is basically done as she will make sure when you leave, that you won't be welcomed back.

 

The black widow will be in his ear, I not like your friend, he put he nose in our business, tell he not come back here, I not like he, he want to cause trouble with us, I love you Tiruk, I take care you, who else going to look after you, take care you, he trouble maker, he jealous you.

 

I already know the above will transpire if you go my way, and as he is needy (I say that with respect) because of his condition, it will all get swept under the carpet, but expect not to hear from him until he is down and out unfortunately.

[BTB1977]

I would tell him on a video call with his wife on the call also. She needs to know she got caught. 

[thaibeachlovers]

20 hours ago, blackcab said:

Personally I wouldn't tell him, unless you are close like brothers.

 

Most people don't appreciate their life crashing down around themselves, even if, deep down, they know it's happening.

I learned long ago that somethings are best left unsaid by myself. I lost some good friends by telling them something they didn't want to know.

[thaibeachlovers]

1 hour ago, Guderian said:

 

I'd tell him, you say that he's only got a meagre pension to live on while his wife seems to have pocketed millions from the house sale. He can decide if and how he wants to broach the matter with his wife, but it's only fair to your friend to let him know that he might not be nearly as poor as he thinks he is. I know it adds to his worries, but as you say he's only got a few years left, surely it's better if he spends them in reasonable comfort using some of the proceeds from the house sale than living in a fake, wife-induced penury until he's on his death bed. Of course, the wife might not see things that way, but that's not your problem, only he knows how far he can push matters with her.

Sooooo, what are you going to do if she abandons him or he tells her to get lost? Are you going to take care of him?

[CorpusChristie]

If she has sold it , that would mean that she has received alot of money recently , and he should be told for that reason 

[thaibeachlovers]

5 minutes ago, CorpusChristie said:

If she has sold it , that would mean that she has received alot of money recently , and he should be told for that reason 

you apparently think she would give him some if he found out- LOL.

[CorpusChristie]

2 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

you apparently think she would give him some if he found out- LOL.

 

  If she suddenly starts going out all night and coming back drunk or starts visiting gambaling websites , he will know how shes funding it and he could try to persuade her not to fritter the money  away

[Caldera]

Tell him, by all means. This potentially has a huge impact on his life and decision making.

[Techno Viking]

21 hours ago, Bangel72 said:

 odds on she will take him for everything he has.

 

 

sounds like she already has !!

[Dart12]

2 hours ago, brianthainess said:

Yeh well, i bit the bullet and last night rang him, and asked about his house, as far as he knew it was not rented out, so after hesitation i told him and he thanked me. he is fully aware that i would go pick him up and bring him back to mine. My wife is a very caring person, and loves him like i do, she has many friends and i'm confident we could find a career for him, my friends are his friends too always asking me how he's doing. His biggest problem would his marriage extension coz if he left there is no way she would help with his next extension, his wife has also managed to deplete a lot of that money needed on promises of paying it back. BITCH.

the OP gave his decision and how it played out.

Hope it goes bbetter for your buddy from here on out .

[whitewolfchefny]

3 hours ago, brianthainess said:

Yeh well, i bit the bullet and last night rang him, and asked about his house, as far as he knew it was not rented out, so after hesitation i told him and he thanked me. he is fully aware that i would go pick him up and bring him back to mine. My wife is a very caring person, and loves him like i do, she has many friends and i'm confident we could find a career for him, my friends are his friends too always asking me how he's doing. His biggest problem would his marriage extension coz if he left there is no way she would help with his next extension, his wife has also managed to deplete a lot of that money needed on promises of paying it back. BITCH.

Brian:

In My Eyes You Did The Right Thing. Now At Least He Has The Knowledge He Needs To Make Informed Decisions For HIS Future. Glad He Has Friends/Mates Like You Who Care. 

Cheers

G. 

[natway09]

Spend 5 minutes thinking about what you would want if in the same position