Thai wife doesn’t really want divorce after affairs...

[alexis80]

Hi all, I am Alex and I am 40 years old.  I need some advice maybe someone has gone thru a similar problem to mine.

 

Starting from the beginning... I am married for 10 years this year with what I thought was a very lovely Thai lady, we have together 2 beautiful kids (4 and 7 years old).
I started dating my wife in 2009 and in 2011 we got married (documents, wedding and Thai ceremony). During this 2 years I stayed in Thailand  for about 6 month continuously and the rest of the time I was traveling to Thailand at least once or twice per month. 

 

In 2012 she came to move to Italy where I live and we started our life together. At the time I was 32 and she was 33. 
I work in aviation so I travel a lot, every week another continent... The first years, its was all perfect, I think she really love me as back then I was not very rich but our life was very nice together, we traveled everywhere together and we have been so happy... in 2013 she got pregnant with our first child and we have been very, very happy... 

 

There where some alarm bells at the time that I should have been paying attention but I didn’t... she never wanted to learn the Italian language, I will explain more about that... sometimes she was a little lazy, like I was coming back from a flight and find her in pajama with the house looking like after a war... but I didn’t care much at the time, I am not a person who complains much. Because I work for an airline I have very cheap airplane tickets from my work so she was coming to Thailand almost on a monthly basis even if for a few days, at the time I thought we can easily talk in English and since we both traveled so much, basically Italy was just our reference point (I am not Italian myself but live here for a long time and speak very well the language) so I didn’t care much about forcing her to learn the language… I did suggest to her some Italian language courses but there was never enough time... she couldn’t drive by herself here as her driving license was not recognize and I was always between flights and count drive her to classes, we also live near a very big airport so outside the big city... so to be honest it was a little hard for her to go to school to learn the language under those circumstances...

 

Anyways everything was good, life was good, my job was good, money was good ... in 2016 our second kid came and again it was wonderful... she was at the time very caring and loving with me and the kids. Also in 2016 she started doing a little side business, as she was traveling a lot to Thailand on staff tickets from my work (business class) she was allowed to carry 60 kg of baggage so every time she went to Thailand she came back with food that later she would sell in Italy... at first she didn’t make lots of money... maybe like 1000€ per month after all expenses but I was happy she has something to keep her busy and also contribute to the family, she was happy she can go to Thai very often so it was a win-win situation...

 

At some point in 2016, she decided not to go empty handed anymore to Thailand but import luxury bags and sell them there, I won’t go into many details but it’s not something I was very happy about but I didn’t firmly oppose it either... she took some money from her parents to start this business and she started bringing luxury brand bags to Thailand to sell and bringing back to Italy food to sell here. It was very good business and she made good money, but also had a few setbacks with merchandise missing of customers who wouldn’t pay so she also lost a lot of money...

 

in 2019, my job was great, I made a very good salary and with the savings we got we decide together to buy a old villa we found  and renovate it in a very nice  area very close to the Swiss border, we used all our savings to buy it and would do the renovation with money from my salary, at least that was the plan... we didn’t want any long time mortgage or bank loans.

 

 I am ok with doing construction work, so basically what happened was, almost all my salary I would use the money to buy materials for the new house and on my free time (sometimes I came back in the morning from a long haul flight after 16 hours in the airplane) with the help of two friends we would work on the house... she was also making good money so she would pay for the food and bills while most of my money would go into the new house. She really liked the way the house was renovated, she actually choose all the finishings and I didn’t even for a minute thought that she is unhappy. With us traveling a lot my mom came to stay with us to give us a hand with the kids, her mom didn’t like to stay in Italy... 

 

Fast forward to 2020, the pandemic came and hit Italy very hard at the begging of 2020, aviation was the first victim, and while I am still employed even now the pay was drastically cut since no flying means only basic pay... also no more traveling for her or for me ... the villa was not ready so we stayed in an small apartment me, her the 2 kids and my mom (who was stuck in Italy with us unable to go back to her home). The villa was completed almost 95% but not ready to move in as there is still not central heating and no furniture... Me not flying anymore meant also it was very hard to get a loan to finish the house...

 

At this stage, she started complaining about money, in the summer last year the shops reopened for a few weeks and she could do some of her business and the money she made, she broth to the family, a lot more than I made but also started complaining everyday about it... I wasn’t very happy about it as I was bringing the big money in the house for years and never complained even when for many years she didn’t have anything but I tried to explain to her that it’s not up to me with the pandemic and stuff and it’s normal if I don’t have and she has to contribute... also at this stage she became friends with a few Thai girls living here in Italy, these girls ... are not what I would call nice girls... at least that’s my view, but I was never the jealous type, and also I never told her who she would be friends with ...  

 

Anyway, arguments about money started to get more heated, I won’t lie for 10 years she was good mom, good wife, we did good together and in the last year I can see things have been hard for her just as much as it has been hard for me. Because of her business she also got into some debts, but not very big... a few thousands euros... I know about the debts and told her if things won’t get better with my job, we would sell the villa and pay her debts and buy a smaller one with what’s left... but she kept saying that all her money went to that house and she has nothing and she has debts and she can’t repay her parents too ... I could see her point was somehow valid and I promised her that we can sell the villa after it’s completed and I would give her the money she needed to pay for everything and with the rest of the money we can buy another smaller house...

 

However everything crumbled at the begging or 2021, in January she said she would go to meet her Thai friend who is coming to buy bags together for the business and she would go together with her to Florence for 3 days. I didn’t suspect anything as it was normal for her to go 2 or 3 days out of home to make orders but that day I saw by mistake she was not in Florence (I saw on iCloud her phone was actually just 20 km away from our home) and she lied about being in Florence... I understood immediately that she is having an affair but didn’t know yet how bad... I asked her to come back home to talk about it but she wouldn’t. She kept lying and didn’t want to admit to anything... that until I saw her Instagram that she left open on her laptop (I never checked her phone or computer before). 
 

I found out she was using Tinder, she had dating with at least 3 or 4 person, talking in the same time with about 15 man but only dated 3 or 4, she even pay for hotel to have dating with one of them who is 10 years younger than her... she was only dating with young guys ... I confronted her again and when she saw I know everything she refused to come back home even to see her kids, changed her phone number and didn’t want to say where she is staying at least in the first week... she tried to say she is coming to take the kids with her but I contacted a lawyer and the police and they all confirmed she can’t just take the kids away if she doesn’t speak the language, doesn’t have a stable place to stay etc...

I explained that to her and she said I can keep the girl (7 years old) because she knows the girl loves me the most and she would take the boy (4 years old) to be raised by her parents. She rented a room with other dubious 2 Thai girls in Milan (about 40 km from where I live now) and she has no intention of going back to Thailand but she knows she can’t take care of the kids and that’s why she would like to send them to Thailand, I think she is I love with this guy that is 10 years younger than her. She also told me that this guy doesn’t want a serious relationship but that is more like they are good friends and can talk everything with him... also most likely sex is included...

 

Anyway, she didn’t come back for 3 weeks and when she did come back she stayed here 4 days, In the 4-th day she started packing everything and she told me she would like to stay married but just be free, she would like nobody to know about us being separated, she would come to stay here with the kids every week for a few days... sleep here and all... basically all like before but just her being free to date who she wanted... she also complained and said she did all that because of me, because I asked her money and make her have debts... I printed all my bank statements and showed her that in the last 10 years I made an average of 4500 € per month, only from my salary but there is no way to make her understand anything... 

 

I explained to her that what she is asking is unacceptable, that I would let her come back home for the kids if she stopped fooling around as I can’t even imagine if she brings home who knows what disease but she didn’t accepted. So I helped her move and off she went.

 

Her new boyfriend or boyfriends. She won’t tell anyone she has kids, two weeks ago I called her in the morning 7 am to ask her something for the little kid and she didn’t want to answer phone as she was with her boyfriend and couldn’t talk, she was actually angry I insisted calling her... she won’t ask about kids anything, only came one more time to see them and brought them some gifts... stayed 2 hours and left while the kids share crying... begging her not to go away... 

 

She is like a different person, I don’t know her anymore, it’s crazy, you live with someone for 10 years and one day  you find out she is not the same person... from mom and wife she turned into ... something cheap... she only complains about money, everything is money when we talk now... not a word about the kids...

 

I now after a month and a few days, don’t see any way out of this situation... so I insisted for a divorce, initially she said yes but she is postponing, after asking for divorce she became furious... I don’t understand why...

 

I am not looking for excuses for her, might be a middle life crisis coupled together with the debt problem, the 5 person stuck in a small apartment for 1 year and also a bed influence from her new Thai friends.... but I don’t know what else to do... I love the kids and I can take care of them by myself no problem there, but they hurt very much because there mom is absent, at least the little one ask everyday about her and I don’t know what else to lie to him... the little ones are used to us going away for days, it’s not something new for them but never for 3 weeks ...

 

Did any of you had similar experiences? Is it possible she will realize what she did and come back home or it’s all lost and I should just accept that she is gone and try my best for the kids?

I am sorry, I know it’s a long post, also I swear I am not a troll, I am just desperate because I don’t know what happened to the person I stayed together for almost 12 years and been married to almost 10... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by Scott

[Somtamnication]

I feel for you. NO second chances for her, she will do it again. If she has semi abandoned the kids and you, finito buddy! I would never forgive her for doing that to the kids alone.

 

Think of your sanity and the children ONLY.

[alexis80]

Thank you, I know what you are saying, that’s what all my friends and family told me as well... but I am thinking maybe I am selfish... maybe if she wants to come back I should let her for the kids sake... anyhow at the moment she doesn’t show any sign of remorse or wanting to come back... I think she just doesn’t want the divorce but not thinking of coming back either ...

[Maha Sarakham]

If you didn't find out she would still be doing it behind your back, probably in increasing intervals and with more men.  I can't see salvaging this, I'd send her on the way as she chose her new life - without you and the kids.  I'm sure money is a significant factor but she likely had intentions to do this even before the pandemic went underway, that was probably the push she needed to get out there and start dating again.  Sorry to hear though, really dread seeing 10 years of relative bliss be flushed down the toilet so easily.

[alexis80]

7 minutes ago, Maha Sarakham said:

If you didn't find out she would still be doing it behind your back, probably in increasing intervals and with more men.  I can't see salvaging this, I'd send her on the way as she chose her new life - without you and the kids.  I'm sure money is a significant factor but she likely had intentions to do this even before the pandemic went underway, that was probably the push she needed to get out there and start dating again.  Sorry to hear though, really dread seeing 10 years of relative bliss be flushed down the toilet so easily.

Thank you for the reply, I found out pretty quickly, her affairs started in November 2020, I found out on the 6-th of January (at least the conversations I saw on her computer started around end of November, there might have been others before I don’t know about...) she was telling all her boyfriends she is a rich buyer from Thailand... she only comes to Italy for business, I guess your right but I never saw it coming.... I was convinced she was happy, I mean ... I don’t drink, I want to believe I am a good dad, I don’t gamble... cheat... all my money I used for our family, never hide anything from her... I really didn’t see it coming... Also she comes from a good family I don’t know what she told them or if she did say anything to them by now..

Edited February 12, 2021 by alexis80

[alexis80]

9 minutes ago, Maha Sarakham said:

If you didn't find out she would still be doing it behind your back, probably in increasing intervals and with more men.  I can't see salvaging this, I'd send her on the way as she chose her new life - without you and the kids.  I'm sure money is a significant factor but she likely had intentions to do this even before the pandemic went underway, that was probably the push she needed to get out there and start dating again.  Sorry to hear though, really dread seeing 10 years of relative bliss be flushed down the toilet so easily.

Me don’t see a way going forward either... makes me feel sick only thinking about it but it’s not easy when a 4 years old is involved ...

[Maha Sarakham]

1 minute ago, alexis80 said:

Me don’t see a way going forward either... makes me feel sick only thinking about it but it’s not easy when a 4 years old is involved ...

 

My Thai wife also offers her condolences.  As we are around your age, it is a really difficult situation to hear.  Keep the kids close, they will be your strength to rebuild your life.

[alexis80]

1 minute ago, Maha Sarakham said:

 

My Thai wife also offers her condolences.  As we are around your age, it is a really difficult situation to hear.  Keep the kids close, they will be your strength to rebuild your life.

Thank you and also your wife, definitely the kids are the most important right now, I am lucky I still have my mother to give me a hand with them... I would like to see a way for her to be at least more present for them... but like I said she live 40 km away now (1 hour by train from Milan to Malpensa airport) and she only came 1 time in 3 weeks ...

[bojo]

So sorry for you, obviously such a difficult time..................... Maybe she doesn't want a divorce as she 'wants her cake and eat it'. She wants to keep all her options open I would imagine and needs time to think as well. Suggest you take on board all the opinions and make your own decision giving it time. Be patient as best you can, grin and bear it as much as possible...time will be the healer here for all concerned...it will get better.............buona fortuna...............

[ezzra]

Unfortunately there is no way to sugar coat it and make it sound a redeemable problems, once a wife strayed away and has a roving eye, that will be in bedded in the husband/boy friend/spouse for ever and ever more, that's how us men are built and programmed, what to do about it? now that's is the question, some will forgive, but will NEVER forget...

[alexis80]

6 minutes ago, bojo said:

So sorry for you, obviously such a difficult time..................... Maybe she doesn't want a divorce as she 'wants her cake and eat it'. She wants to keep all her options open I would imagine and needs time to think as well. Suggest you take on board all the opinions and make your own decision giving it time. Be patient as best you can, grin and bear it as much as possible...time will be the healer here for all concerned...it will get better.............buona fortuna...............

That was my first reaction, I also suggested to her about 2 weeks ago to go back to Thailand and go to a temple to get her head straight ... in 2015 she also went for 3 days and stayed at a temple, she is pretty religious... however she said she is going back to Thailand for a short while but not because I asked her... she practically neither accepted or refused... grazie mille!!!

[Thailand]

In the words of a great song "Time to say goodbye."

[alexis80]

3 minutes ago, ezzra said:

Unfortunately there is no way to sugar coat it and make it sound a redeemable problems, once a wife strayed away and has a roving eye, that will be in bedded in the husband/boy friend/spouse for ever and ever more, that's how us men are built and programmed, what to do about it? now that's is the question, some will forgive, but will NEVER forget...

Yes, that’s the problem... maybe I could go along with her for the sake of the kids... but that would mean to close my sentimental life probably forever... when she came here to pick up her stuff I couldn’t even look at her ... I tried my best to be civil for the kids, but I don’t see a way to have everything as before I found out... it might be stupid but sometimes I wished I didn’t know...

[Tarteso]

It is clear that it is destroying your life and it is affecting your children.

 

have no compassion for her.  she is playing with you for long time ago and have no mercy for her, don't give her any more options, she will try to play with you and take advantage of your good heart.

 

 Take her out of your life asap and be firm.  

 

You should talk to your lawyer and take care of your children with the help of your family.

[bojo]

1 minute ago, alexis80 said:

That was my first reaction, I also suggested to her about 2 weeks ago to go back to Thailand and go to a temple to get her head straight ... in 2015 she also went for 3 days and stayed at a temple, she is pretty religious... however she said she is going back to Thailand for a short while but not because I asked her... she practically neither accepted or refused... grazie mille!!!

Prego.........From my personal experience with marriage separation and a young child involved, I found that turning the other cheek, being the 'good man', holding my tongue and being extremely patient when I really wanted to kill someone TBH, paid huge dividends over time and the child (brought up by me alone) was largely unaffected in the long run and even though the marriage was doomed, the communication and general amicability over time is near perfect. It will work out OK for your kids, they're incredibly resilient, just hang in there, keep doing the right thing.........

[alexis80]

Just now, Tarteso said:

It is clear that it is destroying your life and it is affecting your children.

 

have no compassion for her.  she is playing with you for long time ago and have no mercy for her, don't give her any more options, she will try to play with you and take advantage of your good heart.

 

 Take her out of your life asap and be firm.  

 

You should talk to your lawyer and take care of your children with the help of your family.

Lawyer said the best would be to come to a settlement... by law she is entitled to have half of the assets earned during the marriage, that means the new house we renovated as all my money went there... so I asked her to agree to sell the villa and get 50% and in exchange sign the divorce separation papers giving the kids to me, initially she said yes because I explained if she doesn’t I wouldn’t let the kids ever go back to Thailand as I am afraid she would try to keep them there... and in Italy she can’t take care of them... I am the one who makes the homework with the 7 years old as she doesn’t speak Italian... she doesn’t have a stable residence here ... but now she doesn’t seem like she is convinced about signing anymore... that would mean a very long lawsuit that at the moment I am not even share I can afford... 

[fredwiggy]

A lot of Thai, and other women for sure, do this. She belongs to the streets. Their children mean nothing but money received and that's what you were all along. A cheater, especially one that has done this with more than one man, will never change. People are what they are after age 30. It's ingrained in their behavior. Money and excitement means much more than a family, and the possibility of getting a disease is very high, as the animals she is sleeping with are most likely doing this with other women, and especially married women, who are targets for players because they are an easy mark. They have some trouble with their husbands and instead of working the problem out, they seek others for an ear. The "ear' doesn't have to do anything besides listen. the woman thinks they are so nice, they "understand" me, and then they are having sex. She is not "religious" by any means. A moral woman doesn't do these things. She will not get her head straight, as she thinks what she is doing is okay. Take the other child away from her. She doesn't care for either of them anyway, and give them the stability they need. Someday you will find another woman. One with morals and a family attitude. She is a spoiled child thinking she can do whatever she wants and will get away with it. She will someday, and soon, find herself all alone, used, and forgotten.

[alexis80]

3 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

All of us, it's entirely normal for Thai hookers to behave like this.

I expect she was doing it all the time you were travelling, but you were too busy to notice back then.

That could be but I honestly doubt it, she comes from a decent family, and until recently we had everything we wished for... I never kept a short leash as I never thought it’s normal in a relationship, and to be honest I would lie if I said she wasn’t a good mom and wife... for many years she took good care of our kids, specially the 7 years old, I was always between flights and she was very supportive... it might be that I missed something sling the way or it  may be that bad influence from her new found Thai friends coupled with the problems we had lately .... made her snap I really don’t know but I would like to think the later that her being like this the whole 10 years 

[BritManToo]

Just now, alexis80 said:

I never kept a short leash as I never thought it’s normal in a relationship, and to be honest I would lie if I said she wasn’t a good mom and wife...

Sorry to be blunt but ......... Have you DNA tested the kids yet?

Edited February 13, 2021 by BritManToo

[alexis80]

5 minutes ago, fredwiggy said:

A lot of Thai, and other women for sure, do this. She belongs to the streets. Their children mean nothing but money received and that's what you were all along. A cheater, especially one that has done this with more than one man, will never change. People are what they are after age 30. It's ingrained in their behavior. Money and excitement means much more than a family, and the possibility of getting a disease is very high, as the animals she is sleeping with are most likely doing this with other women, and especially married women, who are targets for players because they are an easy mark. They have some trouble with their husbands and instead of working the problem out, they seek others for an ear. The "ear' doesn't have to do anything besides listen. the woman thinks they are so nice, they "understand" me, and then they are having sex. She is not "religious" by any means. A moral woman doesn't do these things. She will not get her head straight, as she thinks what she is doing is okay. Take the other child away from her. She doesn't care for either of them anyway, and give them the stability they need. Someday you will find another woman. One with morals and a family attitude. She is a spoiled child thinking she can do whatever she wants and will get away with it. She will someday, and soon, find herself all alone, used, and forgotten.

No, both kids stay with me, I didn’t agree to let the little one go either, that is what she asked but I didn’t go along, for me the little ones mean everything.... and I guess you are right about her  ... I don’t really think I even want someone else and go thru this again...

[CharlieH]

Have you considered the ONLY reason she doesnt want a divorce is immigration ? Its easier for her to stay and operate in Italy "married".

 

[alexis80]

1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

Sorry to be blunt but ......... Have you DNA tested the kids yet?

I haven’t but I wouldn’t even consider it, they are mine... anyway you look at it, they are mine

[alexis80]

1 minute ago, CharlieH said:

Have you considered the ONLY reason she doesnt want a divorce is immigration ? Its easier for to stay and operate in Italy "married".

 

Yes, I did but as we have been married more than 5 years she can stay here anyways, I don’t think it’s that, I think it’s more about her family and friends knowing what she did ...

Edited February 13, 2021 by alexis80

[madmen]

Sorry to be blunt but 80% of your post has no relevance. Maybe you are not aware but tinder is a sex hook up website and not a dating website. Her sexual needs were not being met its that simple. 

 

How are you going to fix that assuming your able to forgive and forget. I would kick her to the curb myself 

[CharlieH]

Where you're at is painful, you're probably not thinking straight and unsure what the hell to do next.

Go back and read your Op as though it was someone else here, and see what that tells you.

 

My advice "bite the bullet" sever all contact with her and start building a new life for you and the children. Hard initially but well worth it in the end.

[soi3eddie]

12 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

My advice "bite the bullet" sever all contact with her and start building a new life for you and the children. Hard initially but well worth it in the end.

 

My thoughts too. Not sure about the law where you are but push through for divorce for your sake and the kids wellbeing. File for divorce and full custody and protection of your children. Accept that she will get 50% of assets and move on by dedicating your life to your children. In a few years things will improve dramatically. Has your mother been supportive to you and the children? Can that continue?

 

[alexis80]

11 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

Where you're at is painful, you're probably not thinking straight and unsure what the hell to do next.

Go back and read your Op as though it was someone else here, and see what that tells you.

 

My advice "bite the bullet" sever all contact with her and start building a new life for you and the children. Hard initially but well worth it in the end.

It has been one month I haven’t manage to sleep very well,  the only thing that keeps me going are the kids and them needs... I need to study for my work but I am unable to concentrate, even to watch a movie... it all becomes much harder when kids ask about her, I am very strong mentally and I hide this very well from the little ones, the reason I posted here was thinking of getting also a second opinion from someone who went thru a similar situation... traveling all around the world I know different countries means differ cultures, maybe it’s just a phase she is going thru and it’s something other Thai girls do ...

[Why Me]

The moment you said she was hanging with dubious Thai women in a foreign country I figured it was a lost cause. She'll be rolling in money and excitement and sex for the next ten years in which she'll age twenty. You'll not recognize her when she wants to come back which she will. It won't be the same woman. It'll be a carcass. The woman you married is dead. You'll never get her back.

 

So cut her off. Now. Assume she's dead which she is. Move where she can't find you. Tell the kids mommy isn't coming back. Kids are resilient. Give them love at home, a school where they can find friends and they will adapt. Single parent households aren't strange.

 

In time you'll have adapted too. You''ll be happy again. Just focus on the kids. Happy kids will make for a happy dad. And hopefully at some point find a partner who can be a mother too. Good luck.

[ThaIrish Sean]

Maybe she does not want to divorce as that could be loss of face.

You are not selfish and you should kick her out and tell her to stay away. The kids will survive. It is probably better to have a clean break. If their mother keeps coming back into their life and then going away and leaving them it will hurt more.

Best of luck to you.

[Dagfinnur Traustason]

Take care of your children and leave.....It´s hard, but the only thing to do in cases like this.