Seeking Helpful Opinions About Moving to Thailand / S.E.A.

[Artless]

Hello everyone. Long time reader, first time poster.

 

I'm writing this post in the hopes of getting some genuine and useful responses from people who have either tried what I am about to discuss, or who have some other kind of similar first-hand experience that would be helpful for me.

 

I'm 47, living in Canada with my family, my wife and I have been together for 25 years, my kids are 15 and 17.  We have all the typical things that a middle-class family has, my career is in good shape with me making a comfortable six-figure salary. However, in the past few years, I have been going through what is probably most commonly called a midlife crisis after years of ever-increasing stress and depression related to my experience of my lifestyle here.  The crisis suddenly kicked off after a two week work trip to India, where I met a beautiful 24 year old Northeast Indian woman and had an absolute amazing time.  After returning home to Canada, I more or less decided that I wanted to change my life around, move to Asia, enjoy all that it has to offer for a middle-class middle-aged white guy like myself, including relationships, Adventure, exploration, economic disparity, Etc.

 

Obviously, my wife did not like the idea. She loves me and I love her, and up until this point in our lives I never imagined that we would ever break apart. But this shift in personal values (from family and stability to freedom and adventure) and the new lifestyle  ideas of mine have put an immense stress on our relationship. We talked it over quite a bit last year and we decided upon the following: I could go to Asia by myself for a while, with no strings attached, but only if I was willing to come back and be fully committed to living the rest of my life here with her in our current lifestyle. I committed to this out of desperation because I could see no other alternative that didn't result in either immediate divorce or complete abandonment of this new lide option that I discovered.  I then proceeded to spend three months in Asia (Thailand, Cambodia, Viet Nam, Indonesia) by myself, followed by five months back home in Canada working and staying with the family, followed by five more months in Thailand (exclusively Bangkok due to covid travel bans). 

 

Full disclosure: I have always being a guy with a great deal of interest in the opposite gender, and found that Thailand offers all the experiences that I've been longing to have for most of my adult life.  I developed numerous deep and emotional long term relationships during these trips, some of which continue through to today even though I left there in August.  (I know what you're thinking, and no, I'm not sending money or supporting anybody or anything like that. I focussed on dating the sort of women who had educations and careers and who were interested in developing a genuine relationship with a foreigner.  Trust me, I was there for long enough and met all kinds of women, and quickly learned how to tell the difference.)

 

This time in Southeast Asia has been life-changing for me due to the degrees of freedom that it allowed, the relationships and all the benefits that come from them, the potential for needing much less income and perhaps being able to retire soon, the adventure, etc. 

 

I've been back in Canada now for about seven months, and I can't get this stuff out of my head. I am contemplating leaving my wife and family and moving to Thailand or some very similar southeast Asia country.

 

I'm posting this whole story here in the hopes of getting feedback from people who have experienced the same attractions that I currently have, and risked it all by going for it, leaving behind stability, relationships, a significant amount of your finances, Etc.

 

It's been two years now since the "crisis" began, and it's not going away despite phsychotherapy and Zoloft. I still feel deeply torn between the love and stability of staying with my wife until we die, and the excitement and freedom that would come with being single for the first time since my early twenties, and living in a part of the world where I can fully capitalize on the advantages of being single.

 

Please help me out by sharing your opinion if you can.

 

Thanks so much, everyone.

Edited March 21, 2021 by Artless
Clarity

[DerbyDan]

Hi, Bring your wife traveling. She may not know what she's missing if she was not there.

Maybe she is interested in a threesome or other sexual liberties.

Edited March 21, 2021 by DerbyDan

[smutcakes]

Whenever you get your animal urges have a Delete... that normally clears the mind.

Whatever you do sought out your relationship with your kids mother before you leave one way or another. Seems like you want to be free to swan off and do as you please simply to have your family dutifully waiting for you.

At least wait until your 15 year old has headed off to university.

[NCC1701A]

1 hour ago, Artless said:

The crisis suddenly kicked off after a two week work trip to India, where I met a beautiful 24 year old Northeast Indian woman and had an absolute amazing time. 

what is her name? maybe I know her. 

[petermik]

7 hours ago, NCC1701A said:

what is her name? maybe I know her. 

nah no chance...overweight and over 50`s is your style.....

[NCC1701A]

1 hour ago, Artless said:

 I developed numerous deep and emotional long term relationships during these trips, some of which continue through to today even though I left there in August. 

if you think you are depressed now, wait until you try to withdraw from the full uncut Thailand heroin of 24/7 Thai women and go back to Canada. It will be impossible to do.  

[tonray]

So basically you want to dump your wife and kids to bang SE Asian girls ? Sounds like you're an adolescent personality....try growing up first then maybe you can learn what responsibility is.

[whiteman]

It will cost you heaps b4 you even step on the plain just for some rumpy pumpy. and it does not stop there hell has no fury to a woman's scorn.  Be warned. you will keep on paying and she if she feels like it will squeez every $$$ out of you.

[bojo]

I find it hard to believe that someone would actually post this fantasy (whether true or not) on TV..............................................

[fredwiggy]

Your main problem , besides the middle age crisis which everyone gets to some degree, is the fact that you have depression. This in itself is a major factor in your thinking and subsequent choices. What medicine you are on might be helping, as that's all you can help for as depression has no cure, but there might be another one that may help more. Talking to a doctor would help. You are thinking of leaving someone you love with the stability of a family life, for something that might backfire very badly. Having a deep emotional relationship can happen here , just like it did for you with your wife, but this happens with most every relationship at the beginning, as it surely did with your wife. Time loses excitement, and with that can come complacency, boredom, arguments or maybe stability, if you are a good match in many ways. You can look at your wife and see if you've neglected her in a way that made you grow distant, and think about what you had when you first met, along with the family you've made together, and take vacations with her. With this there is maintaining the family and marriage, getting back the bond you both once had, and growing together again. Or you can take a chance on another woman who might be nice from the start, and then you find out she's a narcissist that pulled you in and then tore you apart, all the while you're emotions are growing for her. You might get a disease, including one that doesn't go away. If your wife is generally a good person, has been a good, faithful wife and a good mother, you owe it to her to try and make the marriage work once again. If time doesn't heal the marriage, then you could always get a divorce and fulfill your dreams with another or many women. In this case, you'll be starting again with someone who could end up as good as your wife has been, have many affairs with many women, which a lot do, especially here, which ends up with you lonely in the end, or the demon that completely ruins your latter years of life. Saving a solid marriage is always the best option. If you grow bored with someone, remember that's what happens with every relationship on earth. But if you two are friends and lovers, that's what lasts. Trouble is, I came here looking for that myself, and was subjected to more abuse and games then ever before, and with a child in the middle, it's a nightmare I'm trying to come out of, for the sake of my little girl's future.. Salvaging a marriage takes two. One can do things that help, but if the other doesn't want to try, it usually fails.

[KarenBravo]

"Never rely on someone else for your own happiness". Words to live by.

If you are willing to pay the cost of your action; now and in the future without complaint, go for it.

Dead is a long, long time.

[Ventenio]

2 hours ago, Artless said:

India, where I met a beautiful 24 year old Northeast Indian woman

you brag about your money but you are RUINING your two kids' mental health by cheating on their mother.  and now you don't mind them living a horrible mental existence, their suffering, their mental health, their "daddy issues," etc...

yea, you will fit right in here. 

2 hours ago, Artless said:

I have always being a guy with a great deal of interest in the opposite gender,

maybe post this on your kids' facebook page.....

god help them

having kids really seems like some hobby for some.  they are underage.   

[bwpage3]

27 minutes ago, tonray said:

So basically you want to dump your wife and kids to bang SE Asian girls ? Sounds like you're an adolescent personality....try growing up first then maybe you can learn what responsibility is.

Have to agree like this. The poster sound like he addicted to sex because he never got any besides his one and only, his wife. 

 

[bwpage3]

The OP is spiraling down the darkest of rabbit holes.

Thinking he is desirable at 47, he is a handsum man and all the women are in love with him.

He has yet to figure out he is a walking ATM and that naivety will ruin his entire family and eventually him financially when he loses it all to a famous lovely Asian player.

He has confused sex and prostitution for something miraculous and wonderful.

Is the op aware of the 10,000's before him that are now divorced and penny-less in Asia? 

Bringing shame on your entire family, your kids will disown you. 

How can a father ever abandon his own kids for paid sex? 

You visit these places for a short time with an expense account. It is not real life, it is nothing more than paying for company and sex.

I feel sorry for your kids, they deserve a real father

Now look up the term sex-pat because that is exactly what you are thinking.

The is no happy ending. You may found some young honey that think money and sex with an old man is better than what she has right now, until the next guy comes along with more.

It will never be about love, never. 

Hope you have a few hundred thousand US dollars after your wife cleans you out in a divorce.

You know, the Thai house, Land, New Car, Gold, Sin-Sod. It all adds up.

Get some help with your sex-addiction while your kids still care about you.

You really have no clue how things work in Asia. 

Girls that sleep with you so easily are in for money, not you.

Wise up before it is too late.

 

 

[Heng]

One thing I have always appreciated and a LOT of people don't do is keeping that home or home(s) back in the west.   You'll always have an out if things don't work out here and at the very least, you'll have a nice little income hedge from rental income.   You know how they say 90% of restaurant startups fail?.... they don't do numbers on this but I'd saying picking up/leaving everything from one country to another has a pretty high failure rate as well, so my advice is pack as many backup plans as possible.          

[ICELANDMAN]

55 minutes ago, NCC1701A said:

if you think you are depressed now, wait until you try to withdraw from the full uncut Thailand heroin of 24/7 Thai women and go back to Canada. It will be impossible to do.  

Too late in a few months it is already unrecoverable

[Freeduhdum]

Dating here in Thailand can be absolute sexual paradise that is for sure. Putting your kids emotional stress in a move like this aside, you need to seriously ask yourself. Do you truly still love your wife? Are you truly good friends? If that's a yes and a yes, then don't do it bro. As someone else has pointed out here, a steady relationship of 25 years like that shouldn't be thrown away on your fantasies. But... if the answer is no to at least the first question, then I say go for it. Your children will get over it. And again, as someone else has pointed out, you are going to pay for it (financially) heavily for divorcing your wife. Get the best lawyer you can and start preparing your case, because IT WILL get ugly. Your wife WILL turn on you as she will see the situation as you throwing away the marriage for other women. Wife's get very revengeful in this situation. So if you do it, seriously prepare yourself and get your financial life in order before you make the move back to Thailand. 

[ICELANDMAN]

Consider that you are a liar to yourself, if on the one hand you really love your wife and your children look at yourself in the mirror, if you are not satisfied with sex with your wife you will easily find what you are looking for in Canada, Asian prostitutes are everywhere, useless to look for them in Asia. The only difference is that here they want everyone to buy what you can't afford anymore, while in Canada you pay a per-agreed price for the same joys. Good luck.

[Fat is a type of crazy]

If this is sincere just remember everything is likely to get boring. If you do love your wife and kids, and it sounds like she is giving you some leeway, then maybe have part of your annual vacations in thailand. Most women wouldn't put up with it but maybe if your wife can put up with it then OK. 

You have to understand that the  days of saying throw everything away and start again are behind you. You have to commit to the best life for your kids. Face up to that.

Maybe changing to a lower pressure job might do the trick. It might seem hard to go to a lower pay but if it makes you happy, and you can support the family, and you'll be happier with the family and them with you then it may be best.

[bunnydrops]

You may already have the best of both worlds. Having vacations and trying to have vacation become a life stye are two different things.

[KarenBravo]

Kids go through parent's divorces all the time. They are old enough to cope. I speak from experience.

Staying together for the children is no longer considered sound advice. If he's unhappy with his life, there is only one person that has the power to change that. Even if it all ends in tears, at least he tried. If he lives to regret the decision, then so be it. That's life.

[Fat is a type of crazy]

12 minutes ago, KarenBravo said:

Kids go through parent's divorces all the time. They are old enough to cope. I speak from experience.

Staying together for the children is no longer considered sound advice. If he's unhappy with his life, there is only one person that has the power to change that. Even if it all ends in tears, at least he tried. If he lives to regret the decision, then so be it. That's life.

I agree with you in a sense. If the marriage is terrible and he goes to Thailand with a different high paid job to support the kids that's one thing. But he seems to be saying he loves his wife and is just a bit bored and wants a bit of indulgence with no firm plan of how to support the family. Not good enough in my opinion. 

[orchis]

1 hour ago, tonray said:

So basically you want to dump your wife and kids to bang SE Asian girls ? Sounds like you're an adolescent personality....try growing up first then maybe you can learn what responsibility is.

with the option to go back to her, off course.

[Poet]

You are not depressed. You have lost physical interest in your wife and are no longer living the life you want.

Do not drag your family to Asia so that they can watch you destroy their lives in real-time. Why would you do that? Be decisive and cut them free.

You have already cheated on your wife. You know that she would end it if she knew the extent to which you have betrayed her. She suspects, of course, but is in the limbo of not knowing for sure. She is hanging in there for the sake of your kids, but women know. There is a high probability that she already plans to leave you as soon as the kids, now 15 and 17, have moved out.

It's a mess but you're not going to make it one whit easier for anyone by delaying the inevitable for five or ten years. Let her start again while she is still in her 40s. Give yourself the chance to get settled into a new life by the time you are 50 (retirement extension age in Thailand).

You only have one life. The next few decades will fly by. There is a world of difference between your options at 47 and your options at 57. No one gains by your disinterested, muted participation in a charade.

 

[Gecko123]

At age 47 - - and I don't care how young or physically attractive you think you look - - the window of opportunity for finding true love with a chicky-poo half your age here, for all intents and purposes, has already slammed shut. The primary motivation for the woman will almost certainly be financial, and that is not often a solid footing for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

In Asia's red-light districts and outskirts, an ambiance that age inappropriate relationships are perfectly acceptable is carefully promulgated by bar girls, bar owners, and a wide array of supporting actors including front desk receptionists, hotel housekeeping, tuk-tuk drivers, and lingerie sales staff, etc., in order to keep the money flowing. But, trust me, get away from these dens of iniquity (so to speak), or God forbid, take her back home, behind-the-back snickers and catty comments will abound.

You sound somewhat psychologically vulnerable to me. SE Asia can be a very cruel place for those inclined towards self-deception or looking for easy answers. I would counsel caution, and delving deeper into your motivations with your therapist.

Edited March 21, 2021 by Gecko123

[rumak]

1 hour ago, bwpage3 said:

Girls that sleep with you so easily are in for money, not you.

there is one james bond type poster on here,  and probably a few others,  that seem very happy with that arrangement.   they even probably think THEY are "different".   haha

I did go through a phase like that,  even had a few of the girls "crazy" about me.  I am sure I am one of many here that did that phase , had my Private Dancer  and Killing Smile experiences,    then moved on. 

Sometimes i even think of going back to those days.   Then Batman slaps me and says " Robin,  NO ! "   To be fair,  the allure of sexual adventures and a return to one's  adolescence is really difficult to get out of one's mind................ like that first hot fudge sundae.   Once eaten some people can never stop the craving.    A few can manage the addiction,  many more suffer the consequences.

[ctxa]

So.... while you spend 5 months in SE Asia banging what you think are hot chicks. Your wife spends 5 months back home, taking care of YOUR kids singlehandedly. 

Shouldn't you have thought about this before having kids? Or did you not know back then that condoms existed? 

[Pilotman]

6 minutes ago, KannikaP said:

As who was he posting last week?

can't recall, but it was in much the same vein as this. You could set your calendar by his posts.  

Edited March 21, 2021 by Pilotman

[xylophone]

I went through something similar after I first came here on holiday in 2004, with a mate, and realised that this place offered the excitement and female temptations that I'd always craved.

I had been in a 10 year "relationship" (not live in) with a lovely girl, and it was just pottering along, but I had been under stress in my high-powered job and it was this eventually which made me change my life, by giving up the job, selling everything in NZ and moving to Thailand.

It was difficult to leave my girlfriend of 10 years, however I sensed that she wanted more out of the relationship anyway, so when I discussed the fact that I might want to move to Thailand, she more or less said that she saw it coming and wished me all the very best.

Before I finally made the move, I had another holiday here and I remember a bar owner saying something to me which still resonates to this day, after I commented that I thought Patong was brilliant, what with the excitement, the nightlife, the girls and so on, and he said; "be careful what you do because this is not the real world".

I had a health problem which could turn very serious, so that was another driver for a move, so I reasoned that a move would be good for me, and it has turned out like that.

I didn't leave behind a wife and children, just a very lovely and caring lady, and we still converse to this day and on visits to NZ I meet up with her and her new boyfriend and we go out to dinner and everything is fine.

Here I ran rampant for a while, before meeting a lovely lady and her very young daughter, and although we have split up, the relationship was good, and I have continued to take care of her daughter, now my daughter.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is always pain involved in leaving behind a loved one and children, and one has to be prepared for trying hard to make a go of things in Thailand, bearing in mind that the initial excitement (like the kid in the chocolate factory) can soon wear off and bedhopping can be okay, but behind a lot of that, money is involved, especially if one is hoping to snare a much younger woman.

There is danger in everything one does especially when one leaves behind the life that they have known up until that point, and tries to make it in another country, with another culture, so be prepared for that danger.

As for leaving children behind, well, maintaining regular contact (easy these days with zoom etc) is a must, as well as supporting them through the next phase of their lives. As for your wife, well she can make it easy or hard for you, so be prepared for the hard part.

If you throw caution to the wind and make the move here, be prepared for all of the peripheral events and possible damage. And as others have implied, you only live once.

[Pottinger]

Invest in a man cave at the bottom of your garden, equip it and save yourself a world of grief.