What's the fair family support?

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, Mark Wild said:

She gets 20k. Sends 15k. Not enough. No more demands from them to me or even from her to me. She's just unhappy that whatever she gives is not enough.  I convince her that it's way more than enough. I started this thread to actually show her later a number of opinions that she's giving way more than people usually do. Well, ok, I wasn't sure that would be the case but now I know after I received a few answers between 5k to 10k. 

I pay my a woman 10K/month to pretend to be my wife.

20k/month seems overly generous.

Edited February 15, 2022 by BritManToo

[RichardColeman]

Are you paying for their previous bad life choices in wasting money on unimportant things ? My wife's family ask for nothing, they are not rich but bought land as did my wife after uni with her wages. Now they have enough fruit to sell, veg, the odd pig, etc. So, what did her family do with their lifetime off wages ? You are not a cash cow for other people.  Help occasionally -  yes no problem, every month -  not a chance unless she is working and giving some of her money you do not need.

 

Also agree with poster above, get any housing in gf name and pay them for it over time in a form of pension.  

[Lacessit]

1 hour ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I wouldn't get too carried away... 

It was a joke, Joyce.

[Mavideol]

been reading the majority of the posts and they all confirmed previous comments about how Thais see us foreigners,  no surprise here, for them all, we are just a walking ATM

[dj230]

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

My gf has her monthly allowance for me as she quit her job to take care of me and the house. She is sending a part of it to her family and now is concerned that whatever she sends is not enough and they always want more, more and more. No one is asking me for anything more. She can be sending whatever she wants from her money. I just appreciate the fact that she shares these concerns with me instead of "buffalo sick" stories. She's young, inexperienced. I'm trying not to be bitter like many here. ????

So you made her quit her job? Is she going to school?

 

I don't think people are being bitter, they're just being realistic. On one hand you're asking how to say no, on the other hand you're part of the issue as you're the one giving the "allowance" to her/her family, which is promoting this type of reaction. This opens a door to a whole world of problems in the future as the relationship is based off a monetary incentive. Things such as, can she leave if she wants to and will she leave if someone else can provide more. 

 

I have given support to my girlfriends, but never their families and it was always in order to provide my girlfriend with opportunity for better success in the future education/medical checkups/dental care/eye care, not an allowance that could be spent on anything. You also have to think about, what happens if you two separate, do you just have her quit school mid term as she won't be able to afford tuition or are you going to keep providing support for her to continue studies even though you're not together.

 

Funny enough, none of the stories I was told about needing money for health issues, business issues, needing loans must have been that serious because once I said no they were completely fine on their own. 

 

Just my thoughts / opinions when dealing with a relationship and how I manage my money. 

Edited February 15, 2022 by dj230

[Lacessit]

51 minutes ago, Mavideol said:

been reading the majority of the posts and they all confirmed previous comments about how Thais see us foreigners,  no surprise here, for them all, we are just a walking ATM

I consider I get very good value in return, so I don't care.

Had a couple of relationships in Australia where I wasn't the ATM, I was the whole bank.

[jak2002003]

2 hours ago, dj230 said:

So you made her quit her job? Is she going to school?

 

I don't think people are being bitter, they're just being realistic. On one hand you're asking how to say no, on the other hand you're part of the issue as you're the one giving the "allowance" to her/her family, which is promoting this type of reaction. This opens a door to a whole world of problems in the future as the relationship is based off a monetary incentive. Things such as, can she leave if she wants to and will she leave if someone else can provide more. 

 

I have given support to my girlfriends, but never their families and it was always in order to provide my girlfriend with opportunity for better success in the future education/medical checkups/dental care/eye care, not an allowance that could be spent on anything. You also have to think about, what happens if you two separate, do you just have her quit school mid term as she won't be able to afford tuition or are you going to keep providing support for her to continue studies even though you're not together.

 

Funny enough, none of the stories I was told about needing money for health issues, business issues, needing loans must have been that serious because once I said no they were completely fine on their own. 

 

Just my thoughts / opinions when dealing with a relationship and how I manage my money. 

You are a very sensible and level headed person.  I think if others took your advise they would be much happier and settled here in Thailand....and have much healthier and happier relationships with their Thai partners. 

[dj230]

2 hours ago, jak2002003 said:

You are a very sensible and level headed person.  I think if others took your advise they would be much happier and settled here in Thailand....and have much healthier and happier relationships with their Thai partners. 

I try to be, but it wasn't without a lot of trial and error. 

 

My only suggestion to the OP is to change if he wants to see change. He can choose how he'd like to go about this, however he can't expect to do the same as he is and expect a different result. 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

That is and always was a big issue.

Some families are reasonable and others are just greedy.

 

Just so that you know what you can expect: They will put a lot of pressure on their family member = your girlfriend.

Your girlfriend has basically two choices: Take their pressure and redirect it to you or she is the one who gets all the pressure and they will tell her what a bad and selfish daughter she is because she does not give them enough.

If your girlfriend tells them that's it, enough it enough, then this might cause a serious family drama.

 

How to solve it? I don't know. Luckily my gf's mother died many years ago and often the mothers are the worst.

As far as I see this is a fight which your gf has to fight with her family. That is the sad reality.

[MikeyIdea]

6 hours ago, BritManToo said:

Give them 4,000bht/month AFTER they sign their house and land over to your gf.

(with the agreement they can live the rest of their lives in your gfs house)

Thai would be considered incredibly ugly. All respect gone forever, only acceptance for their daughters sake, probably the same feeling from the girlfriend to the OP. The OP wants to keep his girlfriend, not chase her away. How would that benefit a relationship that the OP want to keep?

[Pravda]

9 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

I am asking foreigners to see what they do in practice.

Well since you asked, a big fat zero. To wife or her parents.

 

 

[MikeyIdea]

1 minute ago, Pravda said:

Well since you asked, a big fat zero. To wife or her parents.

 

 

Read again Pravda, un-self-censored this time

[kwonitoy]

When I lived out in the ex's village, initially there was a constant stream of cousins asking for money. 

We had a lot of rubber property, rice farms and salt farms, all from my ex's deceased father.

Anyone asking for money was offered a job, payday is Friday in cash.

One cousin ran the salt farm, that was his thing and we got a percentage of basically <deleted> all, but at least he worked.

The others might work a day or two for some whiskey money.

Once they found out there was no free money at the falangs house they stopped coming by.

 

If you give out free money, can I get some too?

The answer to me is probably no, and that's what it should be to any other freeloader.

[MikeyIdea]

8 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

She gets 20k. Sends 15k. Not enough. No more demands from them to me or even from her to me. She's just unhappy that whatever she gives is not enough.  I convince her that it's way more than enough. I started this thread to actually show her later a number of opinions that she's giving way more than people usually do. Well, ok, I wasn't sure that would be the case but now I know after I received a few answers between 5k to 10k. 

The family live in a more expensive area so 5 won't cut it where they live, certainly not with a 12 year old girl in the hourse. At the other end, 10,000 only if you are economically comfortable with it. Average 10,000 totally per month is good! (if they have no loans and including school & uniform etc, excluding christmas / new years gifts). As for your gf, she seems nice and is fighting a difficult battle with the family. She deserves appreciation for that and her honesty coming to you. After all, she's basically telling you that her parents are bad. Not easy for her. Would feel nice to help her to get more of the available money.

Need to clear current problems first of course but also good to think about the future and  give a heads up of what you and your gf together come up with (emphasis on gf up to you), for after covid and after the father has a job again, if it is temporary / could or will change in the future.

 

Your gf will find it very difficult to tell them that you will reduce money if the father doesn't try to get a job when times are better so let's not paint the devil on the wall here. It can wait. Your gf knows best, what does she think? You could sit in as moral support and to strengthen the message even if you don't join the discussion, what does your gf think? 

 

Good luck Mark

 

Edited February 15, 2022 by MikeyIdea

[Mark Wild]

5 hours ago, MikeyIdea said:

The family live in a more expensive area so 5 won't cut it where they live, certainly not with a 12 year old girl in the hourse. At the other end, 10,000 only if you are economically comfortable with it. Average 10,000 totally per month is good! (if they have no loans and including school & uniform etc, excluding christmas / new years gifts). As for your gf, she seems nice and is fighting a difficult battle with the family. She deserves appreciation for that and her honesty coming to you. After all, she's basically telling you that her parents are bad. Not easy for her. Would feel nice to help her to get more of the available money.

Need to clear current problems first of course but also good to think about the future and  give a heads up of what you and your gf together come up with (emphasis on gf up to you), for after covid and after the father has a job again, if it is temporary / could or will change in the future.

 

Your gf will find it very difficult to tell them that you will reduce money if the father doesn't try to get a job when times are better so let's not paint the devil on the wall here. It can wait. Your gf knows best, what does she think? You could sit in as moral support and to strengthen the message even if you don't join the discussion, what does your gf think? 

 

Good luck Mark

 

Thank you, appreciate your thoughts.

[Mark Wild]

Thank you all for your contributions. This was a very useful and interesting exercise. Many different experiences, many different opinions so it definitely worked.

 

For those of you who were interested... at some stage of a relationship is was my idea for her to quit her not very well paid, not entertaining and without any career prospects job. It allowed us to spend more time together, travel to South America together last year and have a home being taken care of by her this year. I'm more comfortable with this than sending her to a similar job she had with similar conditions and salary. Better ones are probably out of the question. More education/experience in the fields she started to pursue would not probably change much and even if... I mentioned before I'm happy with a natural, historical division of duties between sexes. 

 

She mentions every now and then she'd like to run her own business, a restaurant maybe. I am open to the idea. It could be a hobby, her own money stream if she makes it profitable... but she always wants to travel, have a dog, and have babies in a not so distant future so I am threading lightly on any potential investment ideas. Women don't know what they want or they want everything even if what they want is contradicting (running a restaurant and travel?). Young women even more so, but let's leave it as it is. We will see how all of this develops.

 

Yesterday more drama unfolded. Basically she sent 15,000 as a standard to the family in the beginning of the month plus 2,000 for Chinese New Year. Two days ago they asked for another 2,000 to open a new bank account because the old one is no good (WHAAAAT?). When I questioned the narrative, it turned out that it's 1,500 for this mysterious insurance and 500 to open a bank account. I couldn't be bothered really as it's still within her 20,000 allowance. I advised not to send this 2,000, but she did anyway. So they came back yesterday. Now the door is broken and it will cost 10,000 to fix it. In other words buffalo is sick and it looks like a door. 

 

I told her to say "no". She is considering spending the rest of her little savings from last year to have it done. Again, I advised "no" but I also told her that it's up to her if she always wants to be broke and send every baht to them no matter what. This way or another, I am not giving more. Not now, not ever unless like some. of you said - there is a major emergency and I'll have a proof of that. 

 

The situation is a bit tricky because in the end it's not even about the amount. I could give her more so she could send more. But what would be the point? Where would be the limit? I am trying to make her aware that greed of Thai villagers have no limits. Send 20,000, they will want 25,000. Send 25,000 and they will want 30,000. And the limit will never be there in my opinion. The tricky part is that we have a great lifestyle and they can probably see/sense that. In my view, however, the fact that we can have it does not automatically entitle her parents to have it too. I don't want them to be poor or suffer, but I am also not going to buy them a villa with a swimming pool if you know what I mean. And they probably will never be ok with that especially if one day we buy one for ourselves. 

 

Last, but not least... her father was of course already thinking about coming back to work but on his own terms. If only he had a van or a car for a taxi... well, yeah, to hell with that. I am not buying let's say a 1m baht car just to pay for its insurance, gas and service later on top of my gf's allowance just because he can't find enough clients to make his new business sustainable.  

 

The conclusion for me is that I'll keep giving her what I committed last July as long as the relationship works. What she does with it is her choice. I won't give more and if that's not good enough - here is the door. If there is any funny business (like a second "boyfriend) on the side to get more money - here is the door. Love is great and all but my life would be equally good without her. Just different. 

Thank you again for all your contributions. I am checking out for now.

 

 

[nickmondo]

they are not grateful for what you send them

they are clearly after all they can squeeze from you.

4k maximum is what i would give to people with bad attitude such as this.

and if they are not grateful, i would stop altogether

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, Mark Wild said:

Now the door is broken and it will cost 10,000 to fix it.

I just replaced a door in my house ........... 620bht inc delivery from Home Pro.

I cut the hinges in myself, took an hour to hang it.

[mtls2005]

1 hour ago, Mark Wild said:

Yesterday more drama unfolded.

 

Yeah, the GF is very, very savvy. much more so than you probably giver her credit for.

 

She is appealing to your guilt, your desire to avoid conflict and  your needs for her physical presence. This is the sign of a good con, when the mark (pun intended) freely gives up their cash.

 

So how much have you paid this month?

 

1 hour ago, Mark Wild said:

I am trying to make her aware that greed of Thai villagers have no limits.

This is by far the silliest nugget you've shared so far. You, a foreigner, trying to make a thai aware of thai villager's greed. Priceless.

 

 

The drama will continue until YOU put an end to it. Talk to her, not us.

 

 

[TheScience]

I presume your girlfriend works. Then I'd give them 4000b for expenses and 500b for school. 4500.

 

Give it to your gf and tell her the money is a monthly gift as long as you can afford to do so. You might even not give anything in third month and cut the pay for a month in the beginning so they will not take it for granted.

 

Just a new gf get over it.

 

Better to find a gf that can support her own problems.

 

 

I give next to nothing to my in-laws. They both work. I told them if they retire I'll give them 5k pm. They own land in issarn, house in Pathum Thani but live in BKK.

[RocketDog]

15 hours ago, 1FinickyOne said:

simple, to help them along to have a better way of life. 

 

it's called sharing. 

There you have it.

As others have said, I told my GF when she moved in with me that I didn't want her working. I wanted her enjoying life with me sharing the ups and downs of life.

She grew up abysmally poor in a large family and worked every day of her life from a young age until she came to live with me.

She spends her time joyfully cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. and enjoys staying busy. She tends the yard and takes great pleasure in things she never had or did before such as cosmetics, clothes, shoes, healthy food, cheap jewelry and growing and caring for fliers and propagating orchids.

 

She exercises daily and helps me with house repairs learning about tools and how to repair things. Age doesn't spend her time on her phone or in front of nt of a TV. She is growing every day into a better person and knows it with pride.

 

I have to admit I shudder inwardly when she goes into my shop and gets hand tools. I check later to see what's she's doing and am usually pleased to learn she is attempting to repair something and getting better with tools everyday.

 

I give her a monthly allowance that's in line with the majority on this thread, automatic monthly deposit in her account. I NEVER ask her where it goes. As far as I'm concerned she earns every baht of it and is frugal. She manages the money well and I believe she helps her siblings but don't know for sure. I don't mind as her siblings are all good people with jobs and families. Their parents are both dead and they are all in the late fourties to early sixties.

 

Maybe because we are both older and have been together over five years we appreciate what each of us can give and take from the relationship. We are both attentive to and careful for each other's happiness.

 

I have a clean house and a pretty yard and we enjoy each other and our dog every day.

Color me happy. We both enrich each other's life but in different ways.

How could it be better?

[MikeyIdea]

Good post Mark. Not everybody on TV are mean bastards not caring about the future who don't think rationally.

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

Basically she sent 15,000 as a standard to the family in the beginning of the month

They obviolsly can't handle money. Why not do what I had to do with my daughters mother, split whatever money is decided up in 3 transfers.

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

Two days ago they asked for another 2,000 to open a new bank account because the old one is no good (WHAAAAT?).

....................

Now the door is broken and it will cost 10,000 to fix it. In other words buffalo is sick and it looks like a door

 I've heard this style many times over the 30 and a bit years I have been here. It's disrespect, dishonesty, and deserves to be treated that way. It's much also for the disrespectful though. Have they borrowed money? Some even charge "hundred for 10 per day" (for smaller amounts) so interest can be incredibly high. It sounds quite possible. I'd seriously ask the gf about that. Just a note: It's easy to explode when shocked and scream at the wrong person ????

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

And they probably will never be ok with that especially if one day we buy one for ourselves. 

Never underestimate the power of the family in Thailand. You can put a house in a half childs name (except in Hua Hin and a few more places).

 

2 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

And they probably will never be ok with that especially if one day we buy one for ourselves. 

Depends on how you put your foot down now. That's the solution to all of this

 

Good luck

[JimHuaHin]

23 hours ago, MikeyIdea said:

I supported a family of 4 (parents and grand parents) living in a farmers village with 4,000 to 4,500 baht per month and they were grateful for it (they had some rice land). The grand parents are dead now so I support 2 with 3,500 baht per month plus hospital / medicine. They are still grateful. My daughters mother live there too now and I support her with an additional 6,000 baht per month only for her and that's never enough... I ignore her requests for more. I separate it into 2 transfers. Totally up to how people are. 

 

I'd say 6,000 to 7,000 baht if they live in that area and don't have loans.

 

Extra for hospital, school fees and school uniform are fair, everything else not. Most Thai's don't have insurance, stop until you get a job again. 

 

Normal child support when I was interpretor in Juvenile court last around 10 years ago was 3,000 baht per month (100 baht per day). This comes as a shock for many Thai's but fact is that even courts expect little allowance. I was in court once when the mother asked for 30,000 per month and the judge laughed and loosely translated said 3,000 is more like it. 

 

6,000 is ok but a bit tough for them, 7,000 plus extra for hospital, school fees and school uniform ad they should be grateful.

A very reasonable presentation, thank you.

 

I totally agree with you.

 

I still support my ex-long-term gf's adult children to the tune of about 15,000 Baht a month to cover their expensese. Her daughter told me she wanted more money to buy a new iPhone 13 - 25,000 - 45,000 Baht.  I politely told her I have a Baht 4,000 phone, my car is 8 years old (new when bought), I do not go out to restaurants often, etc.

 

I am happy to help her children have a comfortable life, but not a luxury life - because I live a comfortable life-style, but not a luxury one; I do not have the money, something my ex and her family seem to not comprehend.  Too many Thais seem to think all farangs are rich, and no matter how much I explain that not all if us are rich, by using examples of farangs they know, they do not accept this fact.

[Pouatchee]

23 hours ago, mtls2005 said:

Asking foreigners for "information" for your thai GF in dealing with her thai family seems, well weird.

YUPPP! Fully agree. You should know better than anyone here who and what you are dealing with. 

 

After spoon feeding them what incentive will they have to get back on their own two legs. For me, "her father is a van driver" says it all. These guys were made from the same mold. Ruthless and crappy drivers. 

 

To address your question, I would pay the landlord directly for the rent. No cash in hand ever. I learned that lesson with my ex-wife while we were getting divorced.

[ivor bigun]

thank goodness my wifes family are nowhere near poor ,but all have busineses or very good jobs , i have never given anything ,but when my wife was in property she used to give me some.

oh one lie there,her younger brother was always on the scrounge ,but not just from me ,but all the family .

[Pravda]

17 minutes ago, ivor bigun said:

thank goodness my wifes family are nowhere near poor ,but all have busineses or very good jobs , i have never given anything ,but when my wife was in property she used to give me some.

oh one lie there,her younger brother was always on the scrounge ,but not just from me ,but all the family .

 

Yours is different and so is mine.

 

 

[petermik]

3 hours ago, Mark Wild said:

 

The conclusion for me is that I'll keep giving her what I committed last July as long as the relationship works. What she does with it is her choice. I won't give more and if that's not good enough - here is the door. If there is any funny business (like a second "boyfriend) on the side to get more money - here is the door. Love is great and all but my life would be equally good without her. Just different. 

Thank you again for all your contributions. I am checking out for now.

 

 

You are being far too generous..half of the above would be enough..but it`s too late to change that now and stick to your guns it`s either your way or the highway...plenty of ladies here to enjoy life with without the drama of her family.

[Mavideol]

18 hours ago, Lacessit said:

I consider I get very good value in return, so I don't care.

Had a couple of relationships in Australia where I wasn't the ATM, I was the whole bank.

been there done that.......  555

[rickudon]

I give the wife 30,000 baht a month. She pays all the bills (mortgage, water, electric, gas, parents funeral plans, car loan and theoretically shopping bill). I do not give her parents (both now close to 80) any regular support, but they have their 700 baht a month pension, live rent free and all utilities paid for. I occasionally pay a larger bill (usually ploughing or harvesting the rice). Both wife's parents still do a little bit of food production (grow vegetables, fruit, catch fish). They use a little bit of the food we buy.

 Some other family members (and the wife) did have debt problems which have also been expensive.......

I just pay daughter's school fees, petrol and pay for some shopping. Not a lot left after all that!

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, rickudon said:

I give the wife 30,000 baht a month.

555.

You've got yourself a free one that loves you for yourself.