Trying to understand a Thai family situation?

[Gee Bangkok]

Hi 

 

It's a hard one to explain. I want some thoughts of your experiences of Thai familys. 

 

Not criticism please. 

 

Money with in the family how that works? I see family members lend money / give money to each other. Sometimes a monthly amount. 

 

It's a tough to understand, and I think it must be a loss of face to ask for money back? Even if you are struggling to survive without it. 

 

Thanks again 

 

Gee 

[scubascuba3]

A thai friend of mine is supporting her mum and dad, brother, son, cat and dogs, maybe a buffalo too, I've told her don't give them too much otherwise they'll just get very lazy, more than they are now

[Kenny202]

Ive heard a saying here...crab in a bucket syndrome. 4 crabs in a bucket all struggling to get out. One finally climbs up and the other pulls it back in. This sort of help each other system might work for a poor family living under the same roof....pooling recourses etc, and I have seen it work very seldomly as it should Usually its one or two lazy or hopeless people pulling the rest down. Don't get sucked into it or passing stuff off as culture. You will gain no respect or kudos for it, only be seen as an easy mark and a soft touch. It will never stop and they will suck you dry. Let your common sense and own principles guide you in Thailand. In my experience being kind and charitable in Thailand only gets you regarded as weak and stupid. These people seem to like living hard and hand to mouth. Why they fritter or gamble away any  good fortune they get. They can live on basically nothing when its all gone. You probably cant

Edited August 3, 2022 by Kenny202

[Kwasaki]

5 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

A thai friend of mine is supporting her mum and dad, brother, son, cat and dogs, maybe a buffalo too, I've told her don't give them too much otherwise they'll just get very lazy, more than they are now

My wife is the youngest in the family and she is at the head of the table because of me is how I see it. 

 

My wife uses her own money to help the family or loan to the family she has never expected me to do so. 

[scubascuba3]

7 minutes ago, Kwasaki said:

My wife is the youngest in the family and she is at the head of the table because of me is how I see it. 

 

My wife uses her own money to help the family or loan to the family she has never expected me to do so. 

A lot of pressure on the girls, i feel for them, some struggle with it

[Kwasaki]

2 minutes ago, scubascuba3 said:

A lot of pressure on the girls, i feel for them, some struggle with it

Well a least you have the decency to try and understand. ????

[Berkshire]

It would be good if farangs can stop bringing up the "face" thing because it most cases, you guys have no idea what you're talking about.

 

But in terms of the OP's question, in "some" families, it's almost like a communist society.  That is, those in need gets help, those that have the means, does the helping.  So you can imagine if a farang is thrown into this situation, it can create somewhat of a confusing mess.  The farang should not be expected to help everyone all the time.  But he should also be generous up to a point.  This is where the farang needs to lay down the law, set limits, and be reasonable. 

 

If you're helping to the point of struggling yourself, you're giving too much.  You need to reassess.  I would not recommend lending money.  If you do, don't expect to get it back in a timely manner.

[JonnyF]

I don't give anything now.

 

I gave a few things when I first came here. One example, the girlfriend's sister was stuggling to get by due to her husband being a lazy dead beat. I had an old car which I gave to them to sell to raise some funds. Instead of saying thanks, she looked annoyed and asked my gf if I could sell it for her and just give her the cash to save her the hassle. Obviously I refused, so she sold it for about 50% of what it was worth the next day but didn't bother transferring the name in the book so it took me ages to track down the new owner and arrange the transfer. Luckily, it hadn't been used in a crime or killed any pedestrians while still in my name.

 

Now, any requests are dismissed out of hand. They've given up asking thankfully.

 

My advice is don't bother. At best they won't be grateful, at worst they will think you're a gullible fool.

[Bluetongue]

Ive found lending money very hit and miss, smaller amounts never returned and that is understood now and no more given. Larger amounts some return but importantly some don't. Best not too I think. Within the family they never pay each other back or even account for the various sums. All I can say is that over the years the requests have diminished to be almost nothing.

[KhunLA]

Never had a problem lending money to first Thai wife's family ...

... as I never did.  Borrow/lend = gift to them.

 

2nd Thai wife ... well, haven't borrowed from them yet ... ????

Basstards & Bi-atchs all got more than me ... ????

 

Keep your friends close

Keep your enemies closer

Keep you money in your pocket and sleep with your pants on ... ????

[Will B Good]

My wife has lent out/given away around 5 million baht (her money).......only found out earlier this year....I was not a happy bunny.

 

She has just finished building a house and is now asking me for money to finish it off.....no way!

[ChaiyaTH]

To understand you have to stop trying to understand + accept you are always second or third tier + ignore the nonsense.

[ThailandRyan]

2 hours ago, Kwasaki said:

My wife is the youngest in the family and she is at the head of the table because of me is how I see it. 

 

My wife uses her own money to help the family or loan to the family she has never expected me to do so. 

Same goes for my Myanmar GF, her mother who is only 50 and can still work herself, was always asking every month for money from her. In the 4 years we have been together the mother, who lives in Myanmar, kept increasing the amount,and finally my GF had blocked her on all forms of social media, which was 6 months ago. The mothers sister, who is here in Thailand, keeps telling my GF that it is her responsibility to help the family. Finally my GF cut contacts with the entire family.  It doesn't matter what nationality they are it's the age old issue of grabbing money from where they can.  2 years ago my GF set her mother up with a market front business, out of her own accounts of course as she has a job and runs her own hair cutting business. 4 months ago the mother called crying because she was broke and the business shuttered. Seems the mothers boyfriend kept draining the business funds, he doesn't work and is a bum.  GF just got a call this morning from a friend and apparently the mother was nabbed by the RTP at a checkpoint with 25 others who were caught coming across the Myanmar border illegaly as she was coming to find a job here.  GF is waiting now to see how much she will be asked for....such a feces storm.

[Lucky Bones]

56 minutes ago, JonnyF said:

I don't give anything now.

 

I gave a few things when I first came here. One example, the girlfriend's sister was stuggling to get by due to her husband being a lazy dead beat. I had an old car which I gave to them to sell to raise some funds. Instead of saying thanks, she looked annoyed and asked my gf if I could sell it for her and just give her the cash to save her the hassle. Obviously I refused, so she sold it for about 50% of what it was worth the next day but didn't bother transferring the name in the book so it took me ages to track down the new owner and arrange the transfer. Luckily, it hadn't been used in a crime or killed any pedestrians while still in my name.

 

Now, any requests are dismissed out of hand. They've given up asking thankfully.

 

My advice is don't bother. At best they won't be grateful, at worst they will think you're a gullible fool.

Correct. There is really no such thing as borrowing money within a family.

It is considered to be a gift.

I stopped "lending to the wifes adult kids" years ago when the promised pay back dates had well and truly passed.

The mummy boy 35+ year old stepson looked like I had assaulted him when I asked for the money back.

Just say NO.

You will never win with family and lending money.

 

[Lucky Bones]

50 minutes ago, Will B Good said:

My wife has lent out/given away around 5 million baht (her money).......only found out earlier this year....I was not a happy bunny.

 

She has just finished building a house and is now asking me for money to finish it off.....no way!

Probably gone on lottery.

If you have a garden, check for strange tree and plant scratchings.

[Lucky Bones]

1 hour ago, Bluetongue said:

Ive found lending money very hit and miss, smaller amounts never returned and that is understood now and no more given. Larger amounts some return but importantly some don't. Best not too I think. Within the family they never pay each other back or even account for the various sums. All I can say is that over the years the requests have diminished to be almost nothing.

I used to think it strange that the borrowings asked for was nearly always 10,000 baht, be it for whatever.

Kinda like TAT numbers.

Nobody asks anymore.

[Kwasaki]

1 hour ago, ThailandRyan said:

Same goes for my Myanmar GF, her mother who is only 50 and can still work herself, was always asking every month for money from her. In the 4 years we have been together the mother, who lives in Myanmar, kept increasing the amount,and finally my GF had blocked her on all forms of social media, which was 6 months ago. The mothers sister, who is here in Thailand, keeps telling my GF that it is her responsibility to help the family. Finally my GF cut contacts with the entire family.  It doesn't matter what nationality they are it's the age old issue of grabbing money from where they can.  2 years ago my GF set her mother up with a market front business, out of her own accounts of course as she has a job and runs her own hair cutting business. 4 months ago the mother called crying because she was broke and the business shuttered. Seems the mothers boyfriend kept draining the business funds, he doesn't work and is a bum.  GF just got a call this morning from a friend and apparently the mother was nabbed by the RTP at a checkpoint with 25 others who were caught coming across the Myanmar border illegaly as she was coming to find a job here.  GF is waiting now to see how much she will be asked for....such a feces storm.

Never had problems like that, sounds pretty heart  rendering for your gf.

[ThailandRyan]

5 minutes ago, Kwasaki said:

Never had problems like that, sounds pretty heart  rendering for your gf.

Gives her migraines.  She is the most successful in her family and so even before she met me she was always being asked for this and asked for that.  Her brother on the other hand leads a life of meager means as he is a monk in Myanmar.  She has no father as he was killed by the Burmese Government/Military in 2005 during a skirmish.  He was a Colonel in the Karen Military (KNU).  She and her mother then moved to Thailand, where she has stayed ever since.  Her money came from hard work.  Her mother moved back to Myanmar 5 years ago to take care of her parents, while still working in her village.  That is where my GF's familial monetary issues began.  However, as of now she wants nothing to do with them.

[Will B Good]

1 hour ago, Lucky Bones said:

Probably gone on lottery.

If you have a garden, check for strange tree and plant scratchings.

Recently found out she has another house (Thai style) that she rents out, but her mother gets the rent?????

[Lacessit]

Depends on what boundaries are set at the beginning.

How my GF distributes the support I give her monthly is her business. I have made it clear getting into debt for any reason would be the end of the relationship.

None of her family ask me for money. I give out modest cash gifts at Christmas to family members.

[Lucky Bones]

7 minutes ago, Will B Good said:

Recently found out she has another house (Thai style) that she rents out, but her mother gets the rent?????

You sure she said mother and not "brother"?????????

Yes, Thais will say (or not say) anything that suits them. Especially protective of family.

Lying is learnt at a very early age and becomes their accepted norm.

Otherwise Thai people are as wonderful as you and me.

[1FinickyOne]

2 hours ago, Berkshire said:

those in need gets help, those that have the means, does the helping. 

Very true for us - there are times i have given gifts and the recipient refused unless I promised that I had $$X,xxx,xxx in the bank for myself. some know the difference between a loan and a gift and pays back the loan w/o being asked... another member does not pay back.. 

 

2 hours ago, Berkshire said:

It would be good if farangs can stop bringing up the "face" thing because it most cases, you guys have no idea what you're talking about.

so agree.. my dad in USA was always looking to save face as he got older in particular... 

[1FinickyOne]

6 minutes ago, Lucky Bones said:

Lying is learnt at a very early age and becomes their accepted norm.

There are different things in every society that constitute a lie. Here protecting your family is always ok... 

 

I walk into a local restaurant - the owner greets me with 'is everything ok' he does not really want to hear about something awful that happened and I don't want to tell him...

 

"yes. Ok." 

 

These are acceptable lies... where I come from. 

[Denim]

4 hours ago, Kwasaki said:

My wife is the youngest in the family and she is at the head of the table because of me is how I see it. 

 

My wife uses her own money to help the family or loan to the family she has never expected me to do so. 

Exactly the same.

 

Surprisingly , every single member of the family she has lent her money to has always paid it back as soon as they can. One of them even sends my wife 2000 a month as she is her mothers main carer and is grateful that it is my wife not her carrying this burdon.

[1FinickyOne]

5 hours ago, Gee Bangkok said:

Money with in the family how that works? I see family members lend money / give money to each other. Sometimes a monthly amount. 

I give my wife money specifically for this purpose and she portions it out to whoever needs it... elderly parents, a nephew wanting to go to school.. etc.. I leave it to her discretion. 

[Kwasaki]

40 minutes ago, ThailandRyan said:

Gives her migraines.  She is the most successful in her family and so even before she met me she was always being asked for this and asked for that.  Her brother on the other hand leads a life of meager means as he is a monk in Myanmar.  She has no father as he was killed by the Burmese Government/Military in 2005 during a skirmish.  He was a Colonel in the Karen Military (KNU).  She and her mother then moved to Thailand, where she has stayed ever since.  Her money came from hard work.  Her mother moved back to Myanmar 5 years ago to take care of her parents, while still working in her village.  That is where my GF's familial monetary issues began.  However, as of now she wants nothing to do with them.

Yeah it would be good for her to except she is doing nothing wrong by taking care of herself, easy for the likes of us ???? but my Mrs manages it very well with my support. 

[ThailandRyan]

1 minute ago, Kwasaki said:

Yeah it would be good for her to except she is doing nothing wrong by taking care of herself, easy for the likes of us ???? but my Mrs manages it very well with my support. 

Mine put it this way "I do not expect you to rescue me by helping my family, it is my responsibility, but what they forget is how hard I have worked to create my career and set myself up for old age"  Of course I buy things for the GF that she would not buy for herself as she saves her money, and of course she buys me things as well, and no it is not from the local talad for 100thb....lol????

[Kwasaki]

24 minutes ago, Denim said:

Exactly the same.

 

Surprisingly , every single member of the family she has lent her money to has always paid it back as soon as they can. One of them even sends my wife 2000 a month as she is her mothers main carer and is grateful that it is my wife not her carrying this burdon.

Yeah I don't interfere I just support her emotionally and if I see she is bothered like at first where there was some demands which were a bit over the top, I did have a word in the past and it was a cure. ???? 

[GarryP]

59 minutes ago, Will B Good said:

Recently found out she has another house (Thai style) that she rents out, but her mother gets the rent?????

None of my business, but how long have you been married? Seems there is a lot your are only now learning about. I would be pretty uspet, if it were me. 

[Kwasaki]

13 minutes ago, ThailandRyan said:

Mine put it this way "I do not expect you to rescue me by helping my family, it is my responsibility, but what they forget is how hard I have worked to create my career and set myself up for old age"  Of course I buy things for the GF that she would not buy for herself as she saves her money, and of course she buys me things as well, and no it is not from the local talad for 100thb....lol????

My wife buys me pizza and steak because I find it toooo expensive. ????????

 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Kwasaki