For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way

computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we

would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release

stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving

cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....twice a day.

2 Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a

new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would

have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off

the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For

some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your

car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to

reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,

five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five

percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be

replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning

light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and

refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,

turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how

to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the

same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

seen this one many a times, but still good

seen this one many a times, but still good

Likewise,,, seen it before many times, but a tasty reminder of how much <deleted> mere mortals outside the IT industry have to put up with.

And they forgot number eleven.

11. by all means own a Mac, but don't try to play anything by the Beatles.

ow, this was a new one on me. Didnt realise it was an oldie.

New one on me too, I thought it quite apt.

Moss

Clever eek - thanks...

Yes a real oldie, but a goodie!

Sort of related...from a techie/help desk site.

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

============== =

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dam_n it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought fo r me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not w orking anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my coll eague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

Awoman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Brilliant Sib, just brilliant!!

Moss

Strange but true!