Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

Got myself a big piece of a$$ this morning...

 

Fingers slipped through the toilet paper.

[kickstart]

A guy goes out for a night out, and has to much to drink, meets a girl and takes her home.

The following morning  he wakes up feeling rough,cannot remember much about the night before ,looks around ,the girl is still they, gets  up goes to the bathroom, looks in the mirror, then looks again, sees a piece of string hanging out of his mouth ,and thinks to himself,  please let it be a tea bag .

[scottiejohn]

23 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Got myself a big piece of a$$ this morning...

 

Fingers slipped through the toilet paper.

At least you only made an a$$ of yourself and did not feel a c$nt.

 

Edited January 6, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man and his dog go to a movie.

During the funny scenes the dog laughs. When there’s a sad part, the dog cries. This goes on for the entire film: laughing and crying in all the right places.

After the show a man who was sitting in the row behind them comes up and says, "That was truly amazing!"

"It sure was," the dog owner replies.

 

"He hated the book."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A zookeeper spotted a Blond visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.

"The sign says it’s fine," replied the Blond.

"No, it doesn’t."

"Yes, it does. It says,

 

‘Do not feed. $10 fine.’

[scottiejohn]

[Ron19]

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):

No, I’m afraid we don’t.

And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.

Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.

Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?

The bartender is really ticked off.

Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,

“What the heck do YOU want?”

Umm. Do you have any nails?

What!? Of course not.

Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

[Ron19]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?” 

[scottiejohn]

Did he feel violated, unwanted, busted and otherwise well stuffed by her rubbery  response

[kickstart]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.” 

 

 

[kickstart]

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!” 

 

 

[kickstart]

Best use of Facebook I have found yet  ,cut and pasting  jokes in to here .

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, kickstart said:

Best use of Facebook I have found yet  ,cut and pasting  jokes in to here .

Not just Facebook I hope.  I tend to use more obscure sites/books/memory etc to try and avoid popular repeats, I don't always succeed as I am sure you and the other regulars have no doubt noticed.

This is not a criticism just a comment!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? It was two tired.

 

What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash?

Sum Ting Wong.

　

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

　

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was So Wong on so many levels.

　

A book just fell on my head.

I've only got my shelf to blame.　

　

What do you have to do to have a party in space?

You have to Planet.

　

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

　

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

　

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a sh*t in days.

　

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

[scottiejohn]

 

A Blonde from the city and her Male travelling companion were riding the train through the countryside when she noticed some cows.

"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.

"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.

"Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows."

"No, a cow herd."

"What do I care what a cow heard.

I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

Edited January 8, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

 

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked them out on Snopes and they're for real!

 

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

 

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

 

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

Have a Great Day!

 

 

[Beachcomber]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 
 She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 
 Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 
 Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 
 Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 
 And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 

-----------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE 
 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 
 As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 
 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 
 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 
 and I figured this was the evilest thing I could do to him legally.

-------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 
 (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
 I know I'm not going to understand women. 
 I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 
 pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 
 and still be afraid of a spider.

---------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 
 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. 
 The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 
 He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 
 She directs him down the correct aisle. 
 A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 
 She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 
 He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store < BR>to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. 
 So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

----------------------------------------------------------------- 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
 An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. 
 As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
 the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 
 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

WORDS 
 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 
 30,000 to a man's 15,000. 
 The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 
 The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

-------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION 
 A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 
 'The wife  'Allow me to explain. 
 God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
 God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT 
 A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 
 The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, 
 and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 
 The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and 
 you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 
 Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 
 Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 
 So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. 'HEBREWS'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment 
 A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
 Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 
 Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 
 The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 
 The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

And Finally;

Smoking Dope or Doing Time

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

 Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked
 the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

 "Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

 "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

 "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
 told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

 "That's admirable," said the judge.

 "And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.

 "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

 "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

 "Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your <deleted> before you go to prison..........." 
============================================================================

 

[tifino]

 

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him:

 "You can have him shipped home for $500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100"

 

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.

They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks:

 "Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home? - when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"

The American Diplomats replied:

"'Long ago a man died here,

was buried here,

and three days later he rose from the dead.

 ...We just can't take the risk"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? We do taste like chicken!

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles.　

　

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

　

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

　

I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

　

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty B*stards.

　

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.

　

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.　

　

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

　

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

　

If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

　

I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.

　

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON: At schooI ----- *Robot slaps Son"

SON: OK,I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story ----- *Robot slaps son again*

SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT? When I was your age

I didn’t even know what porn was! ----- *Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: HAHA! What do you expect after all he's your son.

　

　

*Robot slaps mom*

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another 10 years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the same church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts,

 

 

 

"Keep away from that bl**dy wall!"

[scottiejohn]