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Posted

A guy goes out for a night out, and has to much to drink, meets a girl and takes her home.

The following morning  he wakes up feeling rough,cannot remember much about the night before ,looks around ,the girl is still they, gets  up goes to the bathroom, looks in the mirror, then looks again, sees a piece of string hanging out of his mouth ,and thinks to himself,  please let it be a tea bag .

Posted (edited)
23 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Got myself a big piece of a$$ this morning...

 

Fingers slipped through the toilet paper.

At least you only made an a$$ of yourself and did not feel a c$nt.

 

Edited by scottiejohn
Posted

A man and his dog go to a movie.

During the funny scenes the dog laughs. When there’s a sad part, the dog cries. This goes on for the entire film: laughing and crying in all the right places.

After the show a man who was sitting in the row behind them comes up and says, "That was truly amazing!"

"It sure was," the dog owner replies.

 

"He hated the book."

  • Like 1
Posted

A zookeeper spotted a Blond visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.

"The sign says it’s fine," replied the Blond.

"No, it doesn’t."

"Yes, it does. It says,

 

‘Do not feed. $10 fine.’

  • Haha 1
Posted

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):

No, I’m afraid we don’t.

And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.

Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.

Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?

The bartender is really ticked off.

Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,

“What the heck do YOU want?”

Umm. Do you have any nails?

What!? Of course not.

Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

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Posted

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?” 

  • Haha 1
Posted

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!” 

 
 
  • Like 1
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Posted
2 hours ago, kickstart said:

Best use of Facebook I have found yet  ,cut and pasting  jokes in to here .

Not just Facebook I hope.  I tend to use more obscure sites/books/memory etc to try and avoid popular repeats, I don't always succeed as I am sure you and the other regulars have no doubt noticed.

This is not a criticism just a comment!

:partytime2:

  • Haha 1
Posted

Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? It was two tired.

 

What is the name of an Asian pilot who died in a plane crash?

Sum Ting Wong.

 

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

 

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was So Wong on so many levels.

 

A book just fell on my head.

I've only got my shelf to blame. 

 

What do you have to do to have a party in space?

You have to Planet.

 

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

 

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

 

I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a sh*t in days.

 

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

Posted (edited)

 

A Blonde from the city and her Male travelling companion were riding the train through the countryside when she noticed some cows.

"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.

"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.

"Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows."

"No, a cow herd."

"What do I care what a cow heard.

I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

Edited by scottiejohn
Posted

 

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? We do taste like chicken!

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles. 

 

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

 

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

 

I don't mean to brag but I'm helping a Nigerian Prince with a pretty serious financial matter. I can't really talk about it.

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

 

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty B*stards.

 

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.

 

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often. 

 

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

 

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

 

If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

 

I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.

 

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

Posted

 

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON: At schooI ----- *Robot slaps Son"

SON: OK,I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story ----- *Robot slaps son again*

SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT? When I was your age

I didn’t even know what porn was! ----- *Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: HAHA! What do you expect after all he's your son.

 

 

*Robot slaps mom*

 

  • Like 2
Posted

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another 10 years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the same church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts,

 

 

 

"Keep away from that bl**dy wall!"

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