My mates wife was playing Trivial Pursuit. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it switched on or off?"

20 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

"Daddy, what are those dogs doing?" asked little Tiffany, catching sight of two dogs across the street stuck together in the act of intercourse.

"Uh . . . one dog’s old and hurt and the other one’s helping him out, honey," explained her red-faced father hastily.

"What a bad world, huh, Dad?" remarked Tiffany, looking up at him sweetly.

"Just when you’re down and out, somebody comes along, pretends to help and ends up giving it to you up the ass!"

Used to be:

 

The front dog is blind and the other dog is pushing it to St Dunstan's  (now Blind Veteran's UK which doesn't have the same ring to it)  

1 minute ago, VocalNeal said:

Used to be:

 

The front dog is blind and the other dog is pushing it to St Dunstan's  (now Blind Veteran's UK which doesn't have the same ring to it)  

Ha!

The version I remember: The dog in front has a puncture and the one behind is pumping it up again.

Much excitement over the news that scientists at the University of Washington have developed a male contraceptive pill, which has been safely tested on men aged between 18 and 50.

Apparently, you put it in your shoe and it makes you limp

What fish do dogs chase?    Catfish.　

　

My dog plays chess.

Your dog plays chess?

He must be really clever!

Oh, I don't know. I usually beat him three times out of four.

　　

Teacher: Who can tell me what "dogma" means?

Pupil: It's a lady dog that's had puppies, sir.　

　

What breed of dog is owned by Dracula?  A blood hound.　

　

Would you like to play with our new dog?

Yes please but

He looks very fierce. Does he bite?

I don’t know yet

That's what I want to find out.

 

There was a terrible accident at the building site, and the construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder.

"Hang in there, lady," he said helplessly,

"the ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?"

"How should I know?" she snapped.

 

"I’m a doctor, not a lawyer."

 

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and appeared to read from the menu.  Eventually he said

"I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny and covered in grease, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and burnt around the edges.

I'd also like grilled bacon which is overcooked-nearly burnt and a bit on the cold side Oh and with the rind still on, one slice of burnt toast and one slice of slightly warm bread, a very small butter pat with a thumb print on /in it straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.  I also do not want any cutlery and please do net serve it for at least 50 minutes."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to arrange but I will of course see to it that you get exactly as you have requested."

The guest replied sarcastically,

 

"It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what was brought to me yesterday and the day before!"

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life then?”
He replied, “I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
I said, “I don’t go in for any of that astrology nonsense.”
He replied, “Neither do I. My rectal thermometer just broke.”

Clarified English!! AKA Puns

Mother: "Keep that dog out of the house, it's full of fleas."

Son: "Fido! Keep out of the house, it's full of fleas."　

　

Jim: Our dog is just like one of the family.

Fred: Which one is he like?　

　

My dog saw a sign that said: "Wet Paint" ? so he did!　

　

"Keep that dog out of my garden. It smells disgusting!" a neighbour said to a small boy one day. The boy went home to tell everyone to stay away from the neighbour's garden because of the smell!　

　

So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you ?

Yes - their dog is our dog's brother.　

　

A man who bought a dog after seeing an advert in his local paper took it back, complaining that it made a mess all over the house.

"I thought you said it was house trained," he moaned.

"It is," said the previous owner.

"It won't go anywhere else."　

　

"Why are you crying, little boy?"

"'Cos we've just had to have our dog put to sleep!" sobbed the lad.

"Was he mad?" asked the old lady.

"Well, he wasn't too happy about it.

　

　

Mandy had a puppy on a leash.

She met Sandy and said, "I just got this puppy for my little brother."

"Really?" said Sandy.

"Whoever did you find to make a swap like that?"

Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy".

The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming,

 

 

 

"Oh my God if that is true I am going to have PUPPIES!".

 

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 Quid."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a some notes from his wallet and then delves into his top pocket and pulls out a business card with his home address on it.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand along with the business card and says,

"Here’s your money and my address now go paint my house. All the stuff you need is in the garden shed"

NINE Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

Number 9
- Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
- Men have two emotions: hungry and frisky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
- Life is like a jar of chili peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

You may substitute Thai Visa etc. in place of Facebook

 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"I Only need to receive one kiss on lips per yard," replied the smarmy male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out with trembling hands.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the toothless, wizened, old, grey bearded geezer sitting in the wheelchair beside her, and smiled,

 

"Grandpa will pay the full bill."