Oops - something wrong with TV. Double posting. Time for a coup to clean this place up.

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

---

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Sod off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then.”

If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in.

I've always wanted one of those.

My wife has started having the fetish of taking boxing gloves to bed with her.

The doctor thinks she's going through the menopause.

Personally, I think she's going through a rocky patch!!.

Just asked Midge Ure if he recognised this guy's Facebook page. He said it meant nothing to him.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A little girl and her mother were spending a day together. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then asked, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that makes me sad, and I don't want to talk about it now."

Later while at a friend's house the little girl asks her girlfriend about her conversation with her mother. The girlfriend explains, "All you have to do is peek at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are together when the little girl states, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very surprised, and asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Q: What did the buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?

A: Bison

Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

A: Look grandpa, no hands!

My wife gave me that "looking up at the ceiling" look when I told her this one...

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hands in its pockets and tickle it's balls!

Bloke walks in to a bar and says "Pint of bitter please and a glass of water for Tiny"

Barman promptly serves up both.

The bloke reaches in to his top pocket, pulls out a small critter and drops it in to the glass of water.

"Excuse me" says the barman "Why do you call him Tiny?"

"Well" says the bloke "He's my newt"

A student had to write an essay about John Milton.

He began his essay thus:

"Milton is famous for the poem 'Paradise Lost', and then after his wife died, he wrote 'Paradise Regained'....

Diary of a snow shoveler...

December 8: 6:00 PM. 2006
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: 2006
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: 2006
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: 2006
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 2006
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: 2006
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: 2006
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: 2006
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: 2006
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the <deleted> is lying.

December 23: 2006
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 2006
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: 2006
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: 2006
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: 2006
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: 2006
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 2006
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: 2006
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: 2006
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: 2007
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a dump in the Forrest.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "excuse me, but do have problems with sh!t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "No, why do you ask?"

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

In reference to post #29 I think I can get away with this one without being called a racist... [emoji120]

A Muslim woman wearing a burka knocked on my door last night...

I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it... [emoji23]

A polar bear has been chasing an arctic hare for hours before he decides to shout out "Hey Mr Hare, please stop, I don't want to eat you, I just want to ask you a question"

The hare stops & turns to him but keeps his distance:

Hare: "What is it then?"

Bear: "Why is it that that you can see me?... I mean the snow's white, I'm white, everything around here is WHITE! So how on earth can you see me???"

Hare: "You're gonna kick yourself when I tell you"

Bear: "Really? What is it then?"

Hare: "Your nose is black mate"

Bear: "Oh you're joking!"

Hare: "Nope, it sticks out like a Belisha beacon! Hehehe"

So there Bear covers his nose with his paw and says "Can you see me now?:

Hare: "No"

So the bear creeps forward, grabs him and eats him...

A PALESTINIAN woman in full dress knocked on my door last night

I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it!

A bear and a rabbit were "going to the toilet" in the forest.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "excuse me, but do you have trouble with excrement sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "No, Why?"

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his backside with it...

A PALESTINIAN woman in full dress knocked on my door last night

I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it!

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1404041776.071403.jpg

Dear Dr. Phil ,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime --

bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do.

We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing.

She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.

Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!

And she wants me to sell the boat!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do?

Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.

Q: Why do ghosts like to go up in the elevator?

A: Because it gives their spirits a lift.

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.

The amazing Martinez

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, now we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

The Sydney woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says: "Well I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight .."

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

Is it just me or do candles smell exactly like burnt nose hair ?

Is it just me or do candles smell exactly like burnt nose hair ?

It is just you. But that's OK, we love you anyway, regardless of that habit you have with your nose hair.

A: How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?

A: Put a steak through its heart.