Uncomfortable Position

[Berkshire]

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

If your wife detests him, you detests him, and he's done absolutely nothing to help your daughter all these years....why does your daughter want him at her graduation?

[wym]

Because he's her biological FATHER you idjit, that's pretty important to most kids.

And she's proud of herself, either wants to share the moment or rub his nose in it - either way, her choice.

If she's lucky she'll reconnect with him get to know him better, even if he's a jerk that's all to the good for her.

None of which takes away what the OP has with her.

[Gillyflower]

But she knows him. She talks on the phone to him and when she went back to China on holidays, she met him often.

[wym]

yes, and?

could go either way.

in either case he is her real father and she wants him there, good for both, and IMO neutral for the OP

real love isn't possessive only adds never subtracts

[fvw53]

Wat Dee writes :

Should ask the girl. If She want's him to come, you have no right to try to block her relationship with the biological father.

Thailandist writes :

If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing her...or even the wife depending on paths she might have chosen that might not have led to you. Take it easy.

According to this thinking the only duty of a (biological) father is to drop some semen in mothers womb ...and from then on he has some "holy" rights and no more duties such as financially contribute to an expensive education ....However I agree the feelings of the daughter are important...but keep in mind soon she will want to fly on her own wings - certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past....that is what I have seen in several similar cases.

[LukKrueng]

her parents got divorced - meaning he stopped being the woman's husband, not the child's father. Him being in China and the girl in Thailand definitely doesn't make it easy on a daily contact between them, and you probably know that in many western countries the wife wouldn't even be allowed to move the child out of the country for long term without father's approval. I am not sure how it works in China - if he had to give his consent for the ex wife to take the girl away or not, but the fact is that he is still the father. I don't see any reason for you to feel jealous or otherwise bad for the girl wanting him here, and also see no reason why you want attend the graduation along side with your wife and him.

As some people said above - the girl wants him here, that means whatever connection they have - it is strong and important enough for her. I think you should be happy that you have good relationship with her and that she also has good relationship with her father. I think this is the REAL sign of successfully bringing up a child.

[wym]

Wat Dee writes :

Should ask the girl. If She want's him to come, you have no right to try to block her relationship with the biological father.

Thailandist writes :

If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing her...or even the wife depending on paths she might have chosen that might not have led to you. Take it easy.

According to this thinking the only duty of a (biological) father is to drop some semen in mothers womb ...and from then on he has some "holy" rights and no more duties such as financially contribute to an expensive education ....However I agree the feelings of the daughter are important...but keep in mind soon she will want to fly on her own wings - certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past....that is what I have seen in several similar cases.

None of what you mention has any bearing on the OP issue.

And even if he does start belatedly fulfilling his (according to your cultural standards) obligations, the OP hasn't likely "invested" so much of his time and energy into the girl just to get some sort of "payback" that anyone can take away.

The time does come when they leave the family nest and no matter what they choose to do with their lives, that is the time to let go and accept things the way they are.

Always a difficult process unless the parent has other strong relationships and projects to fill the gap.

[jpinx]

Wat Dee writes :

Should ask the girl. If She want's him to come, you have no right to try to block her relationship with the biological father.

Thailandist writes :

If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing her...or even the wife depending on paths she might have chosen that might not have led to you. Take it easy.

According to this thinking the only duty of a (biological) father is to drop some semen in mothers womb ...and from then on he has some "holy" rights and no more duties such as financially contribute to an expensive education ....However I agree the feelings of the daughter are important...but keep in mind soon she will want to fly on her own wings - certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past....that is what I have seen in several similar cases.

None of what you mention has any bearing on the OP issue.

And even if he does start belatedly fulfilling his (according to your cultural standards) obligations, the OP hasn't likely "invested" so much of his time and energy into the girl just to get some sort of "payback" that anyone can take away.

The time does come when they leave the family nest and no matter what they choose to do with their lives, that is the time to let go and accept things the way they are.

Always a difficult process unless the parent has other strong relationships and projects to fill the gap.

There is the nub of it. The OP has not accepted that the step-daughter is ready to fly solo now and interact with anyone -- with or without the step-fathers approval. Rely on your relationship with your good wife. Be grateful you have a loving and respectful step-daughter who was happy to talk to you openly about this issue. Now it's your turn -- be as good a Dad as you seem to have been all along. Welcome the bio-father as a guest and allow him the space his natural daughter wants to give him. Remember the old adage -- give some people enough rope and they will hang themselves............

[Patsycat]

I hope you report back to us about what a wonderful day your daughter had with her two dads and mum, smiling all around.

It's her day, make it unforgettable for HER, not a petty 10 year old divorce argument. Your wife and her ex should celibrate their child. As should you.

So put on your suit and tie, clench your teeth and enjoy. A couple of swift shots of whiskey may help...

Edited March 16, 2014 by Patsycat

[DrTuner]

Stepdaughter's 19. Thats a grown up, just let her know your position and let her make the call, it's her show. Should tell you something about the true state of the relationship as well.

Edited March 16, 2014 by DrTuner

[FiftyTwo]

"Dear daughter,

Please select which father you would like to attend your graduation, choose carefully, he will be the one paying for your further education.

Your loving Dad."

How about that, straight to the point, if slightly harsh.

As they said in Highlander "There can be only one."

[GOLDBUGGY]

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First off......You SHOULD be proud of "your" daughter. You and your wife obviously did a great job raising her....kudos to the both of you.

As for you feeling uncomfortable....I understand why you may feel that way BUT your daughter wanting her father at HER graduation in no way belittles or lessens the role you have played in her life. Although her biological father played a very little role in her life ....he still is her "biological father" and it is HER wish to have him come to the graduation (for whatever reasons). Your main concern for your daughters graduation should be to make it as happy and perfect as possible for her. Showing your anger or jealously at the visit of her "biological father" will only ruin things for everyone.

That being said....I wouldn't pay for the airfare for him to attend or have him stay in your home as a guest.

Only my opinion ....good luck with your dilemma....And again Kudos and Congrats to you, your wife and daughter.

I agree with this 100%. It is her day and this is her wish.

Your sacrifice is that you also need to attend and be cultured to her biological father. Since he has stayed out of her life he may not come anyway. If he wants to come but can't affords it, you may end up paying for his ticket. You also need to consider where he is going to stay during this time. I would find him his own place as staying at your place should not be on the table or part of this deal.

If you feel uncomfortable about meeting him, and going to your daughters Graduation together, I can assure you that he feels 10 times worst than you about this. If anyone should hide his face in shame, it should be him. So I really highly doubt he will even come their. But for your daughters sake, and perhaps put an end to her curiosity once and for all, you need to try.

[wym]

"Dear daughter,

Please select which father you would like to attend your graduation, choose carefully, he will be the one paying for your further education.

Your loving Dad."

How about that, straight to the point, if slightly harsh.

As they said in Highlander "There can be only one."

Absolute bullocks IMO, and the feelings behind such thoughts and actions are a lot closer to selfishness and cruelty and control than anything I would label as "love".

[MonkeyLoo]

Just go, enjoy and laugh. Its the girls day, make it good fot her.

Who cares what people think.

If the other guy cant make it, its not your problem!

Sent from my GT-N7100 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[Thai at Heart]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

I agree. that is one step to far.

This has not been raised by daughter, in fact wife and I both agree he pays for all his expenses and he will not be allowed to stay with us. One thing I didn't mention for fear of muddying the waters, and that is he is quite a successful business man in his own right. The daughter does not know of the full and true reasons why her blood parents divorced. There is no need to explain, and if it was divulged, I think daughter would be terribly upset.

Well one would hope.that would be for another event. That said, having been around Asians a while, it is extremely easy for the needy adults to steal the show.

I think its fair for you to.tell your wife and daughter he can come but that any hint of any fighting or histrionics and he can leave forthwith.

[Loles]

Man, what is your problem with it? This situation is not uncomfortable at all. You will meet with ex-husband and you may know your high loved daughter's father. The roots are very important for every-one. May be your daughter didn't say but for her also.

[FiftyTwo]

"Dear daughter,

Please select which father you would like to attend your graduation, choose carefully, he will be the one paying for your further education.

Your loving Dad."

How about that, straight to the point, if slightly harsh.

As they said in Highlander "There can be only one."

Absolute bullocks IMO, and the feelings behind such thoughts and actions are a lot closer to selfishness and cruelty and control than anything I would label as "love".

I openly admit to selfish (who isn't?) and control.

I deny cruel.

It's all about me and what I want (just like the OP).

[wym]

I don't see the OP's parenting style as selfish, quite the opposite, as good parenting needs to be.

Maybe just a bit insecure. . .

[DrTuner]

The daughter does not know of the full and true reasons why her blood parents divorced. There is no need to explain, and if it was divulged, I think daughter would be terribly upset.

Would she be asking her biofather to attend the graduation if she knew ? Maybe she thinks dad&dad are bosom buddies, just waiting to enter a happy menage a trois with mommy. Do you know what her father has told her about the circumstances ? You might well be set up for the role of villain.

Taboos will always get you in uncomfortable positions. If you really did bring her up right, ouside the academic success, she ought to be mature enough for the truth.

Already offered a BATWA, such as a prolonged trip to China for a visit after the graduation ?

Edited March 17, 2014 by DrTuner

[PMZ]

I can understand some of your feelings.

However, its her day and if having him witness her graduation is important to her, you should not get in the way of that, nor should you feel bitter about it.

Take the high-ground, attend yourself, be civil to him and her and allow everyone the space they need. You will look good like that and she will appreciate your maturity.

[Scarpolo]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

You put yourself in that position, not your wife, or the daughter.

Had you not asked, she may not have brought it up, and then later not bothered to tell anyone.

My second wife attended my daughters graduation from college, and my second wife attended the graduation of my son from high school, neither kid liked her, and neither kid asked me to pay for their mother to attend,

had she wanted to attend, I would have sat with her, as my second wife most surely, would not have attended, by her choice

[Scarpolo]

I think everybody in a way can relate to that concern, now the job is finished and the `effe`r will show up maybe, but like I said before, maybe she has a good reason to want it, maybe she wants some `revenge`? Or maybe she just doesn't want to deny the biological ties.

She is a young woman, and as you know women have a different way of `telling` things.

You mean the effe'r whose daughter was kept away from him for years by the logistics of an ex-wife who moved her all the way out of the country?

Surely some of the guys on here with cross border child custody problems can relate to his situation?

Edit: Maybe the guy's a real tool. I don't know. But if you believe the child psychology people (and I do), the vast majority of who she is- developed before the OP was in her life. But none of that really means anything once she made clear her desire to have her biological father at her graduation.

Agreed, all the hard wiring is done by 9

[Scarpolo]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

I agree. that is one step to far.

This has not been raised by daughter, in fact wife and I both agree he pays for all his expenses and he will not be allowed to stay with us. One thing I didn't mention for fear of muddying the waters, and that is he is quite a successful business man in his own right. The daughter does not know of the full and true reasons why her blood parents divorced. There is no need to explain, and if it was divulged, I think daughter would be terribly upset.

You should back out of any discussion on this topic with wife and daughter, and let them deal with it, entirely

a bad hand never becomes a good hand, you have to hope the stronger hand folds without putting anything more in to the pot.

you can only lose in this position

one last thing:

if he does come, and is a successful bizness man,

he needs to be shown the expected expenses of her ongoing education, and shown his expected participation

dont ask

dont get

hey may be delighted to be invited

[Scarpolo]

Some valid attempts here to identify and explain the actions, reactions on both sides, and some good advice

First off her biological father although itermittently has been a part of her life, enough that she can evaluate the 'love' he shows toward her and make her choices

You have provided support in many ways, perhaps it is difficut to accept you may be loved as a favourite teacher but not as a real father, she has a real father, sounds harsh, but true. Your daughter can not be expected to transfer the love for her father to you, and ignore him. She may well have dreamt of spending more time with her father, and certainly wondering about him for sure

You seem to be making plans for her future how involved in these decisions is your daughter, perhaps she feels her real father should also be involved, perhaps your idea and her idea of the future are not as well aligned as you expect, maybe she is broadening her options?

So you have only one option, invite the man, welcome him, because he is in her thoughts and is undoubtedly part of her life. If you try and make things difficult it would only serve to estrange you from your daughter, it is all there to see if you look.

She may have asked, and that is fine.

The question is, how meaningful is it to her, as, she may have said this as an emotional wish, not expecting anyone to take her up on it

surely, she asked him herself before floating that balloon on the OP?

or, she just said it as many teens do, and then forgot it

[Scarpolo]

Wat Dee writes :

Should ask the girl. If She want's him to come, you have no right to try to block her relationship with the biological father.

Thailandist writes :

If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing her...or even the wife depending on paths she might have chosen that might not have led to you. Take it easy.

According to this thinking the only duty of a (biological) father is to drop some semen in mothers womb ...and from then on he has some "holy" rights and no more duties such as financially contribute to an expensive education ....However I agree the feelings of the daughter are important...but keep in mind soon she will want to fly on her own wings - certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past....that is what I have seen in several similar cases.

certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past.

why does this sound a lot like the descriptions of all the seedy thai females TV posters love to bash?

the boyfriend, the "daddy" who pays more becomes the favorite?

isnt this precisely what TV men complain about?

choosing the man with the most money, uh huh

[Scarpolo]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

I agree. that is one step to far.

This has not been raised by daughter, in fact wife and I both agree he pays for all his expenses and he will not be allowed to stay with us. One thing I didn't mention for fear of muddying the waters, and that is he is quite a successful business man in his own right. The daughter does not know of the full and true reasons why her blood parents divorced. There is no need to explain, and if it was divulged, I think daughter would be terribly upset.

You can call them her blood parents all you like,

in her mind, they are her parents, period, you are the step father, period, you parented her yes, but wake up call to you,

when she talks to her friends about her parents, you aint included.

you are her step father, and you did what you did for her mother and then for her,

I made the mistake of marrying a girl with a kid and a father,

the amount that has cost me, has no end

people here are telling you to suck it up?

nonsense,

your dime, your rules,

when was this ever different?

he wants to come, he pays, you have no involvement,

you have opened up yourself to a whole lotta hurt here, and sadly for you, you have been dealt a losing hand, and worse, you dealt it yourself

I would have no further discussions on the topic, and if he doesnt pay hos own way to come, you can forget about a dime in future tuition

[fvw53]

Wat Dee writes :

Should ask the girl. If She want's him to come, you have no right to try to block her relationship with the biological father.

Thailandist writes :

If it wasn't for him she wouldn't be alive and you wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing her...or even the wife depending on paths she might have chosen that might not have led to you. Take it easy.

According to this thinking the only duty of a (biological) father is to drop some semen in mothers womb ...and from then on he has some "holy" rights and no more duties such as financially contribute to an expensive education ....However I agree the feelings of the daughter are important...but keep in mind soon she will want to fly on her own wings - certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past....that is what I have seen in several similar cases.

certainly if she has a boy friend - and the father who pays for the coming expenses will be the favourite ...and for the daughter the past will be the past.

why does this sound a lot like the descriptions of all the seedy thai females TV posters love to bash?

the boyfriend, the "daddy" who pays more becomes the favorite?

isnt this precisely what TV men complain about?

choosing the man with the most money, uh huh

I wrote the first line

Quote

Certainly if she.......

Unquote

This was not at all intended only Thai teenagers (boys and girls) ...I was thinking on what happened to a friend in the Netherlands.....

Everybody with experiences in divorces will know that once the involved children become teenagers they will become very sensitive to who provides them best what they want.

I am not saying this is the case with 100 pct of the involved teenagers...

[thaibeachlovers]

I would attend, it is the father would should feel uncomfortable sitting next to you!

Why would he be sitting next to the OP. IF he pays his own way and sits separately from the OP's wife, why stress about it.

However, if it was me, NO WAY would he be sitting with my wife.