Doesn't matter whether your adept at self gratification or not, looking at that picture you'll go cockeyed for sure.

...And please no-one else include it in your quoted text, it has to be the most annoying headache inducing image I've seen.

Ow ow aye caramba, someone got outta the wrong side of bed today?

Anyway..apologies for indirectly causing you a sore head

Talking of beds (or in this case, bed-time):

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

AWWwww!

Young boy is awakened by creaking noises from his parents' bedroom. The way young boys do , he leaps out , scoots next door and says he wants a glass of water. Papa looks over his shoulder and suggests that if he would go back to bed he would bring him a glass of water shortly. The brat insists he is thirsty NOW so papa says if he goes back to bed NOW he will get a glass of water in a few minutes AND that latest fad watch he had been pestering his mother for the past fortnight. Boy quits while he's ahead. Monday morning in school all his classmates are admiring his watch and how he persuaded his parents to buy it for him.

One lad has paid particular attention.

Two or three nights later he finally hears the bedposts striking the party wall.

One second flat he's in his parents' bedroom.

"Waddya want ?' demands his father.

"I wanna watch" says he.

"Well shut the door and siddown , there's a draft up my ar$e" replies his father.

Difficult customer in knocking shop demands the fattest girl in the squad.

300 pound Rosie asks him after 5 minutes humping: "Am I good to you honey?"

Customer: "Divine, mind if I turn out the light?"

Rosie: "Why honey, don't you find me attractive?"

Customer: "Rosie, I think you're beautiful but the light bulb is burning my arse."

Very, very funny, indeed!

qwertz, I read it yesterday and again today, and i still dont get it.

I'll probably regret asking this, but can someone explain about the lightbulb?

qwertz, I read it yesterday and again today, and i still dont get it.

I'll probably regret asking this, but can someone explain about the lightbulb?

Ok.... no non-blunt way of doing this.

Bulb hanging from the ceiling.... couple on the bed, missionary position, the girl is so fat that his backside keeps hitting the bulb on the up-stroke.

That better Bitty?

Not exactly better, but tnx for explaining. If anything it makes me more confused as to how the male mind works, cuz you all got it instantly. madness!

And i dont have a joke to tag onto this post now, minds gone blank after the explanation...

If anything it makes me more confused as to how the male mind works

Now you know how we feel

A chap walks in to Halfords and asks one of the servicemen if they have a wing mirror for a ten year old Skoda.

"Ok, that sounds like a fair swop"

Not exactly better, but tnx for explaining. If anything it makes me more confused as to how the male mind works, cuz you all got it instantly. madness!

And i dont have a joke to tag onto this post now, minds gone blank after the explanation...

This reply is funnier than the joke, I really did laugh out loud, a lot!!! Thanks for the laugh eek!

Sweet thing is our new Itty Bitty.

Eek, you're priceless!

Try this one:

Brit guy in Hamburg, approached by "working girl".

"Hello, handsome, want some fun? Come with me"

Later:

Brit guy pulls on trousers: "Thanks kid, see you around".

She: "Wait, what about the Marks?"

He: "Oh pretty good, kid, 9 out of 10 ".

This one is for Eek

Legionnaire in Paris has spent most of his money on wine but feels the need of a bit of relaxation before going back to his room.

All the girls send him away when they see all the money he has except one who suggests he go see Louise who would give him a "kangaroo bl*w job" for that price.

He finds Louise who takes his money , tells him to drop his pants and then runs for it.........

Come on , it's easier than the light bulb one !

Another easy one for Eek:

What's the difference between a gogo bar and a circus?

I'll even give you half the answer:

A circus is full of cunning stunts.

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for £500. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for £250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of £250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. There was plenty of heat.

3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply.....

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

A lady walks into a doctors office complaining of constant wind. She explains that although they make no sound or smell, its really worrying.

The doctor nods then writes her a presciption and tells her to come back the following week.

The next week the Doctor asks her if there has been any change.

She tells him "I dont know what you gave me to take Doctor, but things have gotten WORSE! I still have the same problem, and although they are still silent, they now smell TERRIBLE!"

The doctor nods and replies. "OK, not to worry. Now that we have cleared up your sinus problem lets work on your hearing..."

.....

Another easy one for Eek: <---thank you

What's the difference between a gogo bar and a circus?

I'll even give you half the answer:

A circus is full of cunning stunts. <---- !!!

One for animal lovers:

Aboard the Titanic a conjurer is doing his thing.

The next turn is a man with performing parrots.

Every time the conjurer makes something disappear, a parrot screams "It's under his hat", or "It's in his pocket".

The conjurer, his act ruined, storms off the stage.

So the ship hits the iceberg and goes down.

The conjurer, soaked and shivering, sits on a piece of wreckage and notices he has the parrot for company.

They stare at each other for a minute, then the parrot says, "Okay, smartass, I give up. Where's the f++kin' ship?.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Save on fuel at Melbourne brothel

A Melbourne brothel is offering fuel discounts to its clients "to help with the petrol crisis".

Customers of The Pink Palace get 30c a litre off their fuel bill if they provide the necessary receipts when they settle their brothel account.

"I got together with the girls to talk about what we could do to help the petrol crisis and we thought it would be something nice for the clients," manager Robyn Smith told The Melbourne Leader.

'There was one guy who was trying to convince his wife it was a good way to save money on petrol," she said.

Business has been booming since the scheme began two months ago.

Billboards announcing the new scheme encourage people to "pump and save" and have been touring the inner city at night and the MCG before football games begin.

Save on fuel at Melbourne brothel

A Melbourne brothel is offering fuel discounts to its clients "to help with the petrol crisis".

Customers of The Pink Palace get 30c a litre off their fuel bill if they provide the necessary receipts when they settle their brothel account.

"I got together with the girls to talk about what we could do to help the petrol crisis and we thought it would be something nice for the clients," manager Robyn Smith told The Melbourne Leader.

'There was one guy who was trying to convince his wife it was a good way to save money on petrol," she said.

Business has been booming since the scheme began two months ago.

Billboards announcing the new scheme encourage people to "pump and save" and have been touring the inner city at night and the MCG before football games begin.

This is a joke, right???

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Smith, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive Tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”

8 year old Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.

"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

Warning

I'm not usually one for posting warnings but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into Bunning's hardware at lunchtime yesterday and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Spread this warning on to all your friends.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $16,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."!

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

<snip to save electrons>

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."!

Very good Mr farangsay very good. One of the few blonde joke I had not heard before.

CB

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

<snip to save electrons>

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."!

Very good Mr farangsay very good. One of the few blonde joke I had not heard before.

CB

Me neither! Very funny!

8 year old Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.

"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

excellent!

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $16,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."!

nice!