Two aboriginal guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that

your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray"

I went into Paddys house today and the front room ceiling was twenty foot high. "Jeez Paddy", I said, "that ceiling is a bit high". "It's was the misses's idea" said paddy, "She wanted two rooms knocked into one"

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hel_l, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods

I like the sign-off

(In fact I like the whole idea, but it would all have to be business-class sized seats or better. Coach just wouldn't do.

I like the sign-off

I think she is signing "the guy in row six has an erection thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big"

I like the sign-off

I think she is signing "the guy in row six has an erection thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big"

Nahhhhh...she's saying she wants two guys who go both ways.

The Blue Pigeon.

The mayor of Darwin was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Darwin was full of pigeon shit, the people of Darwin could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Civic Centre and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Civic Centre, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Darwin sky.

All the pigeons in Darwin saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The Darwin pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop the Civic Centre.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid Darwin of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

The mayor asked:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Do you have a blue Abo???'

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because <deleted> like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

'Do you have a blue Abo???'

Oh that is so wrong on so many levels but so funny

LOL

CB

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAfuc_kA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ..

Warning: This one's not so short but it's definitely not PC...

A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner:

Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you,but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream,right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought,look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"  It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.

Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?  And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch.  Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh?

I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

John

The Police Do Care...

The Adelaide Police report finding a man's body in the River Torrens, near Thebarton . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified..

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Tony Abbott for PM in 2010' T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Tony Abbott T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 litre of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed

More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

Found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer

(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process

Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 litre of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed

More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

Found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer

(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process

Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service!

I think I love you.............

Humour:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '

Your sense of humour!'

"A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '

Your sense of humour!'

This isn't a joke but I thought I'd post it here anyway............

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, for an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1.Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.

Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The

problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my

neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.

Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.

Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than

homosexuality.

I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading

glasses.

Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?

Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a dam_n shame if we couldn't own a Canadian

Obviously this guy is not an observant Orthodox Jew, then.

That was the stricture put on her remark by the good Doctor Schlesinger.

MY NEW TRUCK

I bought a new Ford Ranger

and returned to the dealer yesterday

because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'

came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant

' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,

every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light

and nearly creamed my new truck,

but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'arsehol_e!'

Immediately the radio responded with,

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister

of Australia, Kevin Rudd"

dam_n I love this truck..

LIAGRA

I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke,

What do you do if someone has an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw in the washing."

They were all having a good laugh out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder,

"That's not funny" he says,

"My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."

"Jesus mate, I'm really sorry about that." I said,

"Did he drown?" I asked.

"No." he said,

"He choked on a sock."

Now dats funny

I received this one from an Aussie friend.

______________________________________________________

There was this Aboriginal girl getting married

Her mother says to her, "After you're married tonight your new husband is going to want to put his prize possession where you pee!"

The daughter say's, "Why would he want to put his Nikes in the Sink?"

Then there is this one from a British friend.

______________________________________________________

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by 1 point.

The question that defeated me was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Apparently the answer is "Africa".

From an Irish friend -

A professor has found, after extensive research, that there are different penis sizes in England. There are those which fall into the normal size and there are those which are less than two inches when erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

Could all men within the UK with extremely small penises let themselves be known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars.

I'll get my anorak....

Essex Girl after "first date": That wasn't very good, you've got a very small organ. Chap: I'm sorry but I'm not used to playing in a cathedral......

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q... Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do hel_l's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q... When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

These new 3D TV's are so realistic!

I dozed off last night watching a documentary about Australian Aborigines.

When I woke up my wallet was gone...

A woman goes to her GP, says to the doc, "I have a problem with my vagina."

Doc says, "Take off your knickers and get up on the examination table. I will have a look."

She does as he says and gets on the the table. When opening her legs, a voice shouts, "C'mon England!"

The doc says to the woman, "It's nothing to worry about... a lot of cnuts shout that."

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Are you nuts?" says Mick.

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"