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Short Ones...

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This is "apparently" a true story.

Even if it isn't, why let facts get in the way of a good story!

There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.

In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".

The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.

So her address is:-

Miss Lucy Likes

The Cockwell Inn

Tillit

Herts.

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America's policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall.

I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

Paddy's Dad dies and he's sobbing uncontrollably.

The phone rings and afterwards he's much worse.

"What's happened now Paddy?"

"That was my sister, her Dad's died too"

A waiter approached our table and asked my wife if she enjoyed her meal.

"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit"

"And sir" said the waiter, "how did you find the pork belly?"

"Oh about six years ago, we met on holiday"

The hooker that bedded Wayne Rooney said that he tried to talk dirty to her, but wasn't quite up to it.

Well, you should've dressed up as a referee you silly tart.

I remember during the World Cup shouting and screaming at the TV screen,

"Rooney, you fat f****r, you couldn't score in a brothel"

How stupid do I feel now?

Breaking News:- Wayne Rooney in new escort girl scandal.

"The shame and publicity means my partner may never forgive me" said the prostitute.

Aparently Alex Ferguson had an 80's themed party for his players.

Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney came in an Escort.

Wayne Rooney has allegedly been sleeping with a prostitute again.

Good job her name wasn't Annette, he'd never have hit the target.

My girlfriend smeared butter all over my knob earlier.

Now I can't open the bloody door.

I decided to trace my family tree and was very disappointed with the results.

I come from a long line of dead people.

My mate reckoned I couldn't find a word with all five vowels in, I said that's questionable.

A troop of marines captured a taliban leader and took him to an old warehouse.

He was told he had a chance to save himself.

He could roll a dice and if he got 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 he would get a taste of his own medicine and would be beheaded.

"What happens if I roll a 6?"

"You get another go"

Oldie of the week.......................

I was speaking to my girlfriend yesterday and I said "I have something to tell you, but it's hard to say"

"Don Dodd's Dad's dog's dead"

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Present company excepted of course.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by those who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, etc.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause more than twice as many accidents.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by those who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, etc.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause more than twice as many accidents.

Yeah........

Cut down on this stuff, ya mite drown.

post-46648-096499700 1285720947_thumb.jp

Yeah........

Cut down on this stuff, ya mite drown.

My dad didn't drink water. He didn't want to rust. Maybe that's why he lasted 87 years on wine and beer.

Did you hear about the Jew with ADHD?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

Did you hear about the Jew with ADHD?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

What's ADHD ??

Did you hear about the Jew with ADHD?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

What's ADHD ??

Dunno... and can't be bothered looking it up, attention wandered on to gecko watching.

Oh come on guys, that was funny!

ADHD = Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (i.e. he can't concentrate).

[jokes never survive an explanation...]

Oh come on guys, that was funny!

ADHD = Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (i.e. he can't concentrate).

[jokes never survive an explanation...]

Sorry Mick but I don't think it is funny especially as I know a sufferer. :bah:

BT

My small grandson got lost at the mall,

he approached a uniformed security guard and said, I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

Oh come on guys, that was funny!

ADHD = Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (i.e. he can't concentrate).

[jokes never survive an explanation...]

Sorry Mick but I don't think it is funny especially as I know a sufferer. :bah:

BT

Where, from the concentration camp or someone with ADHD? B)

It's called "black" humour.

Something along the same vein would be... My brother doesn't have any arms or legs but he likes to play sports. He plays second base on the baseball team.

It's funny how some join in with satire, only to complain when it's closer to home.

It's funny how some join in with satire, only to complain when it's closer to home.

i have a ginger friend, but i still like ginger jokes .....

that reminds me,i need to collect me tea money from him:whistling:

I was asked to go and see my ex girlfriend last night. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.

The police weren't too please as I was only supposed to be identifying the body.

I don't care. It made me laugh.

A little boy knocked on my door and said, "Is Jimmy coming out?"

I said, "I doubt it mate, he's only five. He hasn't even tried women yet".

My wife came home to find me in bed with a young attractive blonde girl.

She said, "What the fuc_k are you doing?"

I replied, "We are just practicing our golf swings."

She then said, "That's a stupid answer!"

I said, "Well that was a stupid question."

Yes, yes, nothing wrong with black humour.

Orphanage burns down. All the kids are up in heaven waiting to see God. Beautiful little girl is first in line. "How sweet" says God. "I brought you here so you can be an angel". On to the next, a little boy. "Am I going to be an angel too"? "No, no" says God, "you can be a little cherub"

On to the next child, a little black boy. "Am I going to be an angel?" asks the child. "No, no," says God "You're going to be a bat"

Regards.

This was actually taken from a passport application

and a member of staff copied it,

as it made her laugh all day.

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government-run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driving licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my dam_n picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too dam_n easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN .

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen

This was actually taken from a passport application

and a member of staff copied it,

as it made her laugh all day.

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government-run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driving licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my dam_n picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too dam_n easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...

who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN .

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen

All very true.

I had to renew my passport a couple of years ago. I was working in Singapore (my God, it must be four years ago!!) and the only people I knew were my German co-workers and my Singaporean co-workers and pub-mates.

English guy to sign my photo? Who had known me for at least two years? Forget it! So we had a visiting consultant due to review the project. Ten minutes after his arrival I had him signing the photos.

Woman shot in the head, survives

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident

of San Diego , went to a nearby Supermarket to pick up some groceries.

After she got home, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and rushed over to the car.

Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay.

Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

Her husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because

the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had

exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a

gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could

all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Two Jews walk into the Collingwood

membership office and ask to buy season tickets.

The Lady behind the counter asks, "Are you

circumcised?"

The Jews reply "Yes, of course!"

The lady then says,

"I'm sorry gentlemen... you have to be a

'complete dick' to be a Collingwood fan…

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to

lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what

your ar*ehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

'Probably out fishing with his mates!' She replied,

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

Q: What's Norman Wisdom* getting for Christmas?

A: Michael Douglas.

* UK comedic actor that died a couple of days ago

I just saw a midget dressed as a number '3' and thought, 'That's a little odd'.

I met a man in a wheelchair who has confidence problems.

I told him to stand up for himself and stop letting people push him around.

"YOU MAY BE A MEMBER OF THE TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

"YOU MAY BE A MEMBER OF THE TALIBAN IF..."

Too true to be funny, Garry. :lol::D

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