These are supposedly entries to a Washington Post competition, asking for a two-line rhym with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --

that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --

D@mn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "Go to hel_l."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

This man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

----------------

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Good ones Jaidee!

Two true Aussie females walk into a David Jones department store in Sydney. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharleen sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?" "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi.""VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "'Viens a moi', ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharleen takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come toyou, Cheryl?"

CB

Two true Aussie females walk into a David Jones department store in Sydney. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharleen sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?" "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi.""VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "'Viens a moi', ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharleen takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come toyou, Cheryl?"

CB

Excellent. It geuinely did make me laugh, I didn't see it coming...

Two true Aussie females walk into a David Jones department store in Sydney. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharleen sprays it on her wrist and smells it: "That's quite noice, innit, don't ya fink Cheryl?" "Yeah, what's it called?" "Viens a moi.""VIENS A MOI, what the fark does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "'Viens a moi', ladies, is French for "come to me". Sharleen takes another sniff and offers her arm to Cheryl, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come toyou, Cheryl?"

CB

Excellent. It geuinely did make me laugh,

I suspect it started in life as "two Essex girls walked into a Sainsbury store but it was sent to me by a friend in Sydney Oz.

I didn't see it coming...

I cannot believe you used that line

Pleased you enjoyed the joke - was thinking of putting it up on the general jokes forum under "Aussies are they really so bad?" but thought it more appropriate here and less likely to get me a yellow card from JD

CB

Go for it!

... was thinking of putting it up on the general jokes forum under "Aussies are they really so bad?" but thought it more appropriate here and less likely to get me a yellow card from JD

I think I've already posted that one myself in that particular thread...

"Yellow card"? For a joke? You'd have to be pretty thin skinned to get offended at someone elses sense of humour.

... was thinking of putting it up on the general jokes forum under "Aussies are they really so bad?" but thought it more appropriate here and less likely to get me a yellow card from JD

I think I've already posted that one myself in that particular thread...

"Yellow card"? For a joke? You'd have to be pretty thin skinned to get offended at someone elses sense of humour.

I have some jokes which I have avoided posting there because they are somewhat politically incorrect - I will keep this quote as back up material just in case

Ok guys load up your filthiest jokes you have lurking in locked folders on the computer - JD just gave us the green light to post them

CB

I agree with suegha on this...

Go for it!

At the space station there are two monkeys and a woman on board. Ground control calls, "Monkey number one to the monitor."

The monkey is instructed to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors. The monkey does everything right away.

A few moments later the control centre calls again "Monkey two to the monitor." The second monkey is instructed to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse solar radiation. The monkey goes off and does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of the solar radiation.

Later, HQ calls again "Woman, please approach the screen."

She sits down and straightaway interrupts the control centre: "I know, I KNOW. Feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything."

I didn't see that one coming either!

This one doesn't fit because it's a troo story and probably old but I liked it.

One Irishman's solution...................

At a U2 concert in Ireland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for some quiet.

Almost in tears he then he began to slowly clap his hands

Holding the audience in total silence, he leans forward and

says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

Stunned, the audience is speechless until a voice

from the front row yells out...."Then stop yer clappin', ya fookin' arseh0le"

Edited to preserve literal integrity despite the cybercensor.

(So stick that up yer jaxie ya stupid bot ya)

This one doesn't fit because it's a troo story and probably old but I liked it.

One Irishman's solution...................

At a U2 concert in Ireland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for some quiet.

Almost in tears he then he began to slowly clap his hands

Holding the audience in total silence, he leans forward and

says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

Stunned, the audience is speechless until a voice

from the front row yells out...."Then stop yer clappin', ya fookin' arseh0le"

Edited to preserve literal integrity despite the cybercensor.

(So stick that up yer jaxie ya stupid bot ya)

That's very good!

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.

One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one' said the other cowboy.

'What is it?'

Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her

from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and

whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

Let me apologize to all ( specially Tigger, nice person that he is ) in advance.

I'm sooooo sorry for this.

Stop Press:

Renault have just released details of their new people carrier. It is so quiet you can not even tell when your children are in the back. The Renault McCann will be on trial shortly.

Now that is sick.

But funny!

Ten Best Caddy Replies

10. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

09. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

08. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

07. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

06. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

05. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

04. Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

03. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

02. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

01. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir

Ponderisms ...

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead

6. Life is sexually transmitted.

7. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

9. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

10. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

11. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

12. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

13. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

14. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

15. How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingies here and drink whatever comes out?

17. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

18. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

19. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

20. Why does your Doctor leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

23. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Some good ones here!

A Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman, who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

55555. *forwarding to the wife*

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts "Awa ye feel hoor that's full O coos sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back, "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Katie Couric [NBC] , while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:

"What do you feel when you shoot a Terrorist?"

The Marine replied, "A slight recoil."

Not a short one but..........

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of

farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake

his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp

for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping

them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't

stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a

doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for

dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl

where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and

all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took

the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,

gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic

waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts

into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with

his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream

and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned

she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit

her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up f*rting my

guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I

got most of them back in."

Not short either - but should upset our Irish readers

PART ONE: Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the Bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's Hiace to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says;

"<deleted> dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

PART TWO: Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand, and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

PART THREE: Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "<deleted> that Lads. First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og is <deleted>' hengliding."

True Love...

It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at church.

Wife waiting at the altar.

Walked up the aisle.

Kissed her on the cheek, smiled,

...... and closed the <deleted> lid.

Ouch!

True Love...

It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at church.

Wife waiting at the altar.

Walked up the aisle.

Kissed her on the cheek, smiled,

...... and closed the <deleted> lid.

great

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."