An Admiral, whom lost one of his ears in an accident and was very sensitive about his appearance, was interviewing a Navy Master Chiefs, an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff...

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f-in' ear".

In the event of an invasion from Germany,
France has confirmed that they will relax restrictions on UK visitors.

My new job at the pasta factory is going pretty well,

apart from a fusilli mistakes.

Fingerprints are proof that God doesn't trust us.

Say what you like about Hitler,
but without him the History Channel would be nothing.

I had some mushrooms this morning.
Breakfast of champignons.

The office Christmas party.
A great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour.

I was watching my mate playing snooker on his own and I thought...
Two can play that game.

I went for a bite to eat at an upmarket burger van last night...
It had 4 Michelin tyres.

A general is visiting sick troops in a military hospital. He stops at a bed.

"Number, rank, name, sickness and treatment!"
"948533 Private Jones, Sir! Piles, Sir! Ointment applied with a brush, Sir!"
"Your ambition, private?"
"To get back to my unit asap and fight for King and country, Sir"
"Very good. Carry on"

 

He stops at another bed and repeats the question.
"348574 Corporal Peters, Sir! Syphilis, Sir! Ointment applied with a brush, Sir!"
"Your ambition, corporal?"
"To get back to my unit asap and fight for King and country, Sir"
"Very good. Carry on"

 

He stops at a third bed.
"Number, rank, name sickness and treatment!"
"68934 Private Davies, Sir! Sores in the mouth, Sir! Ointment applied with a brush, Sir!"
"And what is your ambition, private?"
"Sir, to get the brush before the other two, Sir!!"

47 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

The office Christmas party.
A great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour.

By the time we have our next office Christmas party I won't recognize anyone. The benefits of covid. 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2022, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that [insert country of choice] is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Warmest Regards (with reservations)

17 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Warmest Regards (with reservations)

Thanks for everything Crossy (without reservations!) ????

14 hours ago, Crossy said:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2022, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that [insert country of choice] is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Warmest Regards (with reservations)

Thank you Humphrey. ????